In Want of a Wife
by xGlass
Summary: Berwald's life is turned upside down when he is accepted into Hetalia International University, and everything changes for the better when he catches a glimpse of his future wife who lives down the hall. Who cares if Tino doesn't accept it yet? All Human.
1. Chapter 1

**In Want of a Wife**

The title comes from Jane Austen's quote below and I don't own it or Hetalia.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter One<strong>: "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." Jane Austen

* * *

><p>Berwald Oxenstierna was quiet.<p>

It wasn't because he was shy. It wasn't because he was stupid. It wasn't even because he deemed himself better than talking to simpletons. It just was.

His acceptance into Hetalia International surprised him greatly, so much so that he actually uttered the word "wow." His mother was beyond thrilled and his father had grunted in approval.

Maybe the quietness was genetic?

He'd packed up his worldly possessions and bid farewell to his parents. His mother sobbed and his father nodded when he sent them a short wave from beyond the airport's gate.

Hetalia International was located in Italy. Berwald had been to Italy before when he had been a child. His mother would most likely object, claiming that at eighteen he still was "her precious baby," but Berwald had considered himself an adult since he turned thirteen. He was more mature and made better decisions then people twice his age.

Berwald's woodworking abilities had made him quite financially successful for his young age, and his father's advice on investing had easily increased his profits threefold. His acceptance into Hetalia, which gave free admission and room and board to those accepted, didn't hurt either. Berwald was very pleased with his fiscal responsibility. With no debt upon graduation, continuing sales from his woodworking, and interest from his stocks, he'd easily start with a cool 1.5 million Krona.

Upon arriving in Italy, glorious Hetalia fanfare made him internally cringe. It was so loud. He was curious as to how many students were in his class. The Hetalia International brochure sent with his acceptance letter proudly claimed that only one student was selected from each country. Once that student graduated, a new student was selected to represent that nation.

Sweden's student was graduating, and Berwald's secondary school advisor had suggested he apply to Hetalia. Berwald had followed his advice, but hadn't expected anything to come from his endeavor. He was pleased with the outcome. Hetalia was prestigious, and they had an excellent design school. As an aspiring architect, Berwald would not have considered attending a university without a successful design program.

He approached the person hold a sign with his name with two large, navy suitcases and his laptop bag slung over his shoulder. One suitcase was full of clothes (most of which, he realized, would be utterly useless in Italy because of the difference in temperature) and the other full of linens and pillows and such that his mother had purchased for him.

"Hello!" The greeter said cheerfully. "Are you Berwald Oxenstierna?"

"Yes." He said.

"Great! I'm so happy you made it safely. Please follow me." The person—Berwald couldn't determine her (his?) gender—led Berwald outside to a limousine. Berwald's eyebrows lifted; he hadn't expected a limousine.

The person climbed into the backseat. The chauffer—this time obviously male—hoisted Berwald's bags into the trunk. Berwald didn't enter the car until the trunk closed.

"Welcome to Hetalia International University!" The person—Berwald decided to name him Greeter—chirped. "On behalf of the faculty and staff, we're very pleased to have you!" Greeter paused, obviously waiting for a response.

"Thanks." Berwald said.

"Upon arriving at Hetalia, you will check in at your dorm! Because you're from Sweden, you're going to live in Europe!" Greeter paused again, waiting for Berwald's amusement.

Obviously Greeter was disappointed.

"Classes don't start until next Wednesday." Greeter continued, not letting Berwald daunt his (her?) enthusiasm, "all the classes will be taught in English with the exception of foreign language classes. They'll be taught in the language you're learning, of course! Like, Chinese is taught in Chinese!"

"Mm."

"Now, I'm not sure who you're going to be roomed with, but don't worry about it. Most people are super friendly! Just go with the flow! Talk to your RA if you need too! I think your RA this year is a Mr. Francis Bonnefoy? I'm sure he'll be very helpful! Just ask him if you need any help or anything."

Berwald wished Greeter would stop talking. Upon his acceptance to Hetalia, he'd thoroughly researched the school. Of course he was staying in Europe—all the European countries lived in the Europe dorm. It was a way to ward off homesickness—by living with people from countries and cultures similar to your own, immediate common ground was found. Berwald had been continuously email corresponding with the just-graduated Sweden representative, who was very generous with information about classes and clubs and just general advice.

Because Berwald was a gentleman, and Greeter was obviously very animated about promoting Hetalia, Berwald listened to the rest of Greeter's spiel without a single complaint. Or word.

They arrived at the university about forty minutes after leaving the airport. Greeter showed him the way to Europe (something Berwald was grateful for because he actually didn't know) and Berwald nodded a polite farewell.

He rolled his suitcases into the lobby of the large building. It was in much better shape than he anticipated; the floor was marble, except for the seating area in the middle of the room that had carpeted floors, a TV, a pool table, and a large assortment of comfortable-looking seats. Berwald stopped his assessment of the facility when his eyes landed on a "Welcome to Europe" booth at the far end of the lobby. He rolled his shoulders back to ease what he would admit to be nervous tension and strode confidently over to the booth.

"Ah, bonjour! Comment vous appellez-vous?" A rather effeminate man greeted Berwald.

"Oxenstierna, Berwald."

"Enchanté, Sweden. You're with Lithuania in room 303."

"Merci." Berwald replied, causing a small chuckle from the French RA.

"Var så god, monsieur."

Berwald left the booth with his room key tucked safely in his trouser pocket. Even though there was an elevator, he decided to take the stairs. Europe only had three floors, and his suitcases were not that heavy. Why hold up the elevator?

He easily maneuvered his possessions up the stairwell. 303 was not hard to find, as it was simply the third door down the long hallway.

He pressed his key into the door, but was surprised when it opened before he could turn it.

Berwald's eyes met with a man even more effeminate than Francis.

"Liet! I found your roomie. He's like, hot."

Berwald blinked. "What?"

"Oooh, a sexy deep voice, too! Is that an accent I hear?"

"Shut up, Feliks. Everyone has an accent. Don't you have your own roommate to bother?" Berwald was relieved to see an entirely different man—one that looked much calmer—when Feliks opened the door all the way.

"C'mon, Toris. You know that my roommate's totally not here yet. I don't want to be like some weird loner freak."

Toris rolled his eyes. "Sorry about him. My name is Toris, and I'm glad I'm rooming with you and not somebody _else—_"

"Hey!"

"Please come in."

Berwald entered the room and was immediately pleased. Even though he had to shared space with another person, the room was easily twice as large as his bedroom at home.

"It's big. That's good." He said, eyeing the large window appreciatively.

"I'm sorry, what?" Toris said.

Berwald shrugged. "I'm Berwald. From Sweden. Nice to meet you." He held out his hand.

"Toris. Nice to meet you, Berwald." The brunette replied. Feliks grabbed their clasped hands and shook them violently.

"I'm Feliks. You might as well get used to me in case my roommate is totally lame."

"Feliks…" Toris said.

"What? You think I'm scaring him? _Him?_" Feliks stepped back and made a grand display of presenting Berwald to Toris. "Get a life, Toris. Look at this hunk. It's going to take more than me to scare this guy!"

Berwald wasn't so sure.

Feliks eventually settled down on the couch under Toris' lofted bed. Berwald didn't want to loft his own—he'd sit up and smack his head on the ceiling. Not his idea of a good time. He immediately set about systematically unpacking the second suitcase—the one with bed linens and his warm comforter. He had his bed made in minutes.

"Are you going to loft your bed?" Toris asked.

"No. Too tall." Berwald explained.

Toris smiled. "I can see where that might be a problem."

Berwald then took out all his clothing and made good use of his dresser and chest of drawers.

Feliks watched with casual interest. "You don't have a lot of color."

Berwald shrugged.

"Or a lot of shorts. Where are you from, again?"

"Sweden."

Feliks nodded. "That's the only way to explain long underwear. Need some Calvin Klein, much?"

"Feliks, " Toris hissed, "stop harassing my roommate about his underwear!"

"Liet, please. If he wants to pick up any boys, he's going to need sexier underwear."

Berwald raised a brow. Toris immediately smacked Feliks on the head. "Why do you immediately assume everyone is gay? Maybe he's straight! Maybe Berwald _likes _his long underwear!"

"Of course he's gay! Look at him!" Feliks gesticulated.

Toris looked at Berwald. "I don't know, I can't tell."

"That's because your gaydar is _pathetic, _love. If Berwald isn't gay I'll eat my socks."

Berwald was very tempted to lie just to make Feliks eat socks. Feliks picked up on his expression. "You can't lie! I know I'm right!"

"You're right." Berwald conceded.

"Hah! My gaydar is totally unbeatable!" Feliks proudly exclaimed.

Toris sighed.

"Is that gonna be a problem?" Berwald asked Toris.

Toris shook his head. "My best friend is that guy," he said, gesturing towards a decked-out-in-pink Feliks. "I'm okay with it."

"Good." Berwald nodded. He placed his laptop bag on his desk and unpacked it, as well as his favorite woodworking kit. He placed his tools under his bed, on top of his suitcases and out of harm's way. He figured the craft center the previous Sweden told him about would have most of the bigger tools, but he loved his personal kit too much to leave it at home. It had been a gift from his grandfather.

Berwald began to shelf the books he'd brought, and Toris struck up a conversation about Jane Austen. Feliks declared himself instantly bored and left to wander the halls for new victims.

Berwald was very grateful that Toris was his roommate. Toris was talkative, but didn't mind Berwald's quiet demeanor. He didn't know if he could handle Feliks as a roommate.

The two talked—well, mostly Toris talked and Berwald contributed a few sentences here and there—until it was about time for dinner. Toris and Berwald decided to go together, and Berwald agreed with Toris' suggestion to ask Feliks along.

Berwald followed Toris down the third floor hallway to room 311. Toris rapped a playful pattern on the door, and Feliks opened the door with a grin.

"Toris! Berwald! My roommate isn't a lamer after all!" He flung open the door and Berwald felt his jaw drop open.

There stood the most beautiful living creature he'd ever seen in his entire life. Berwald could scarcely believe his eyes. He'd always thought that love at first sight was pure nonsense, but he realized he might be a changed man.

"This is Tino. He's from Finland!"

Tino smiled at Toris, and then turned his gaze to a gaping Berwald. Berwald wanted to snap his mouth shut and simply nod at Tino to prevent his complete and utter humiliation. Instead, he found his lips moving without his brain censoring his words.

"Marry me."

Toris turned to Berwald, surprised. Feliks covered his mouth with his hand to hide his grin. Tino looked dumbfounded.

"W-what?"

"Be my wife."

"_What?"_

And that's where our story begins.

* * *

><p>AN: Gigglesnort, I know I have other things to be doing but this popped into my head and I couldn't let it go. I don't know how long it will be, but I'm expecting it to be funny.

Please review if you liked it! I like encouragement to keep me going! (PS if my French and/or Swedish is wrong please correct me. Google is only so helpful.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: ** "Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately." Jeff Foxworthy

* * *

><p>"No!" Tino exclaimed.<p>

Berwald frowned. "Why not?"

"Because!" Tino's tone of voice weakened under Berwald's intense scrutiny, but the smaller boy didn't give in. "We're not even dating, I don't even know your name!"

"Berwald."

"That's not the biggest reason!" Tino's face was flushed. "Look, why don't we just be friends first?"

Berwald, slightly embarrassed by his outburst and mostly by Tino's rejection, nodded.

Feliks, judging by the unrepentant grin on his face, thought the situation was completely hilarious. Toris looked a little shell-shocked. Berwald belatedly realized he had just embarrassed himself in front of his new acquaintances.

However, Tino's beauty was unparalleled and called for unprecedented behavior. Tino might be under the delusion that they weren't going to get married, but Berwald knew better than to doubt what was obviously cold hard truth. A marriage was imminent, and Tino would do best to accept that.

Feliks and Toris led the way to the dining hall and Berwald attempted to match his wife's ever-changing pace.

Tino was playing with him. The beautiful boy would walk slowly, and when Berwald slowed down he'd instantly speed up and try to catch up to Feliks and Toris.

Was this a game betwixt lovers? A game where he must not give up the chase or else his affection had no merit?

Fine. If Tino wished to test him, Berwald would not give up.

Was this entirely some sort of Finnish marriage tradition? Berwald didn't think so. He probably would have heard of it before if that were true.

Besides, Berwald's legs were so much longer than Tino's it was easy to catch up when Tino rushed ahead. Berwald thought the whole thing was silly, to be honest. Of all the ways to test a potential (in this case, future) husband, Berwald would not have personally chosen this method.

Perhaps that was for the best. As they say, opposites attract. Tino's decision, contrary to Berwald's own, reflected his internal character and it matched Berwald's exceptionally. Obviously they were meant to be.

Upon reaching the dining hall, Berwald sped up to beat Tino to the door in order to open it for him.

Tino, the cheeky minx, opened the _other _door and walked through it to avoid Berwald's sweet emotional gesture.

Berwald raised a brow. _So that's how we're going to play? Fine._

* * *

><p>Berwald sighed.<p>

Dinner had gone poorly. Toris and Feliks had sat together, of course, and Berwald went around to the other side of the long bench in order to sit across from them. He expected Tino to sit next to him, but the blonde sat next to Feliks instead!

Dinner conversation also revealed that Tino was thoroughly entrenched in his delusional "not-marrying-anyone-I'm-not-dating" world. Berwald realized he had quite a bit of work ahead of him.

His little wife was playing all sorts of mind games. Berwald was a bit impressed. Obviously Tino had very high standards. When he and Berwald inevitably got married, Berwald would definitely feel victorious about nabbing his Finnish bride.

Toris looked over at the blonde who was sprawled out on his bed, staring up at the ceiling thoughtfully.

"Don't worry about it, Berwald. I mean you just met him."

"He's perfect." Berwald replied. "We're going to get married."

"Um, you don't even know that much about him…" Toris explained.

"He's my future wife." Berwald countered.

"Berwald." Toris was getting a little angry. "You scared the crap out of the poor guy. No one expects marriage proposals on their first day of university."

"Maybe they should."

"It doesn't matter if they should or if they shouldn't! You can't propose to someone three seconds after meeting them and then continuously bring it up throughout dinner!"

"Why not?"

"Because you just can't! I mean, not if you want them to take you seriously…!"

Berwald froze. "I see. How does one go about a serious proposal?"

"Typically, you have to be _in love _first_. _You know, _dating? _Boyfriends? Not creepy-stalker-out-of-the-blue love confessions?"

"I know that. Couldn't help it. He's so beautiful."

"Will you stop referring to him as your wife? He said no!"

"Future wife, then."

"Berwald, that's called a fiancé. And they have to agree first."

"Mm?"

Toris sighed. "Why are you doing this to yourself? There are hundreds of guys in the sea. Why Tino?"

"Because he's mine."

"Berwald…"

"Do not worry. Even if you won't help me, Feliks will."

"…_what?_"

"Forget I said anything." The taller blonde pushed himself up. "Could I get Feliks' cell phone number from you?"

Toris hugged his phone to his chest. "You are crazy."

"Please?"

"Fine. Just…" Toris sighed. "You know, I don't even want to know."

Berwald copied Feliks' number into his own phone quickly. "I'm going out."

"To call Feliks, no doubt."

"Maybe."

* * *

><p>"Hello?"<p>

"Feliks."

"Hey you. Nice proposal."

"Mm."

"Very romantic. I have _no_ idea why he rejected you."

"I need help."

"…what?"

"I really want him to marry me. I need your help."

"Honey, what can I help you with?"

"Sexy underwear."

Feliks burst out laughing. "You and I are going to be friends."

* * *

><p>The next day found Feliks and Berwald at the entrance of Calvin Klein.<p>

"Why Calvin Klein?"

"Because!" Feliks gesticulated wildly. "Have you never seen a sexy man in Calvin Klein? It makes your junk look totally tubular!"

"Tino would like that?"

"Why wouldn't he?"

Berwald shrugged. "S'not like he's going to see me naked."

"At least not for awhile. Besides, you can't wear long underwear with shorts. You need some boxer briefs."

Berwald blinked.

"Yes, _I _wear the sexy pink man panties, but you." Feliks took a step back and eyed Berwald's body approvingly. "You're totally more of a boxer briefs guy."

Berwald recognized that he had asked for Feliks' advice, and if Feliks declared him a boxer briefs man, so be it.

Feliks dragged Berwald to the back of the store. "This is the selection."

Berwald frowned at the bright colors. He didn't really want bright blue underpants. He chose three six-packs of plain gray.

Feliks nodded approvingly, which surprised Berwald.

"No colors?"

"Darling, we're shopping for you. I'm not going to try to get you into anything fluorescent. I'm not that stupid. Plus, these will look divine on you. Do you want to model them for me?"

"No." Berwald glared at his shorter acquaintance.

"Fine! Can't blame a bitch for trying, not with that sexy bod. Okay, so while we're here I totally must restock too! You can never have enough underwear. And then I want to go by that one store that sells knee socks. I need some with pink stripes around the top! And maybe a few more places..."

Berwald rolled his eyes. He should have expected a shopping trip with Feliks to include side adventures to stores he'd never venture into alone.

"You know," Feliks mentioned almost too casually as they walked by a chocolatier on their way to the sock store, "you could always like get a present for Tino while you're here. Everyone likes presents."

Berwald grunted, eyeing a few stores in the area. Perhaps that wasn't a bad suggestion.

"You could like totally do some secret admirer stuff for Tino." Feliks smirked. "I'll call you when I'm done, 'kay? Then we'll bounce."

Feliks could tell Berwald was absorbed in his thoughts, and left his new friend to find a gift for his roommate. They were so fucking cute! Feliks couldn't help but want to play matchmaker.

* * *

><p>"Did you find something for Tino?" Feliks asked as they headed back to the school.<p>

"Course." Berwald replied. Feliks eyed his shopping bags curiously. "No peeking. You'll see."

Feliks pouted. "What if he doesn't like it?"

"He will." Berwald replied.

"Are you that sure?"

"Yes."

"…Not even a little look?" Feliks begged.

Berwald eyed Feliks slightly fondly. "Nice try."

Feliks pout increased. "You suck."

"Mm."

* * *

><p>When Berwald returned to his dorm, Toris wasn't there. Shopping with Feliks had been an all-day outing, so Berwald wasn't surprised at his roommate's absence. He would use the empty room to his advantage.<p>

He shoved all but one of his purchases under his bed (which had officially become his safekeeping spot) and cut the price tag off the item. Then he wrapped a bow around its neck.

Berwald moved to his desk, where he grabbed a blue pen and ripped a small section of paper from a nearby notebook. He jotted down a quick message, and then rolled the note and stuck it in the bow.

His first gift for his wife was completed! Berwald's lips tweaked into a small smile. It was a perfect present for his perfect Tino.

With stealth, Berwald picked up the gift and peeked his head out the door. The coast was clear, so he quickly walked down the hall and placed his gift at the door of room 311. He knocked, and then ran as fast as possible back to his own room. He shut the door as quickly and quietly as he could and hoped for the best.

* * *

><p>"How did your shopping trip go?" Tino asked Feliks as he carried his shopping bags into the dorm room.<p>

"Fabulous. Do you want to see what I go?"

Tino smiled, genuinely amused. "Let me guess… something pink?"

Feliks gasped, pressing a hand over his chest. "Me? Pink? _Never!_"

The two boys instantly dissolved into laughter, seeing as Feliks' entire side of the dorm room was covered in pink: hot pink comforter, baby pink sheets, pink couch, pink microwave, mostly-pink Hello Kitty toaster, pink refrigerator, replaced pink knobs on his dresser and chest of drawers, and a just toed-off pink pair of tennis shoes.

"Just underwear and socks." Feliks replied when he'd gotten his breath back. "Nothing like too exciting."

Tino smiled. "I'm glad you and Toris had a good time."

Feliks grinned. What Tino didn't know wouldn't hurt him. Feliks put away his new clothes and then joined Tino on the pink couch to watch a few episodes of whatever Italian show Tino was watching.

"I wish we got Top Model on the school's cable." Feliks sighed dejectedly. "That show is the bomb."

"Well, we could always hook up one of our laptops to the screen and watch shows from the internet."

"Way too much work." Feliks snuggled against the fuzzy (pink!) material of the couch. "I'd rather just bitch about it."

Tino rolled his eyes good-naturedly, and pushed himself off the couch to retrieve his laptop. Then there was a knock on the door.

Feliks' insides danced with anticipation. "You get it. I don't want to move." Tino was already opening the door.

He curiously looked around, seeing no one. Then he looked down and melted.

"Aww!"

"What? What is it?"

"It's a stuffed puppy! It's so cute!" Tino scooped up the fluffy white plush dog and walked back into the room to show it to Feliks. "Who do you think it's for?"

"Is that a note in the bow?" Feliks was delighted—the bow was _pink_, after all. Berwald could be taught!

"Oh! Let's see…"

"Tino! Like, read it out loud! I wanna hear!"

"_Tino. This puppy is cute. You are too. Your Secret Admirer, Berwald."_ Tino paused. "He signed his name."

Feliks couldn't help it; he dissolved into laughter. "That's adorable. You've gotta keep that note."

Tino couldn't help but smile at the silly situation. And the puppy was really, _really _cute. Not to mention soft. He squeezed it against his chest. "Berwald is kind of…scary, don't you think?"

Feliks chuckled, but recognized a prime matchmaking moment when it occurred. "A bit, mostly because he's just like, so quiet. But he's really sweet. He's roommates with Toris, you know, and I met him before you. He's really hot."

"Feliks!" Tino blushed.

"That's truth and you totally know it." Feliks teased, enjoying Tino's burning face.

"But do you think he actually likes me or just wants sex?" Tino mumbled, looking at the puppy on his chest.

Feliks shrugged. "It's probably too early to say. He did want to marry you though," Feliks paused to marvel at Tino's ability to redden, "and that's a lifelong commitment. Besides, a lifetime of sex with him would be totally bitchin', just saying."

"Feliks!" Tino hissed. "He's my secret admirer, not yours!"

"I know. I got my eyes set on someone else."

Tino blinked, animosity instantly vanishing. "Who?"

"I'm not saying anything." Feliks eyes danced.

Tino squeezed the stuffed puppy one more time before placing it on his lofted bed. "It was kind of him to think of me."

"Do you think he'll keep sending you stuff?" Feliks eyes lit up. "Ask for chocolate—you know, the good stuff—"

"No," Tino smirked, surprising Feliks. "No, I want to see what he comes up with next."

* * *

><p>AN: What an amazing response! I definitely wasn't expecting such love, but I'm really grateful! Thanks to everyone that reviewed and added alerts/favs! I'm glad everyone liked the first chapter. Now let's prepare for Berwald's socially awkward attempts to make Tino fall in love with him. ;D


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: "**I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." Rita Rudner

* * *

><p><strong> [Sent: Sat 14 Aug 10:02 PM] <strong>

**Did he like it?**

_[Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:05 PM]_

_ Like wat? ;D_

** [Sent: Sat 14 Aug 10:05 PM]**

** The stuffed dog, Feliks.**

_[Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:07 PM]_

_ Wat's it worth to u? lol. :) :) ;)_

** [Sent: Sat 14 Aug 10:07 PM]**

** Don't be mean. **

_[Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:09 PM]_

_ Me? Never. U got the wrong Feliks lol sorry!_

** [Sent: Sat 14 Aug 10:09 PM]**

** Really.**

_[Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:10 PM]_

_ No totally jk. He liked it! Said it was adorable. Loved how you signed ur name, btw, pan not-so-secret admirer!_

** [Sent: Sat 14 Aug 10:11 PM]**

** Pan?**

_[Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:12 PM]_

_ I'M POLISH DUH_

** [Sent: Sat 14 Aug 10:12 PM]**

** Oh. Nevermind. I'm glad he liked it.**

_[Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:13 PM]_

_ "Nvm" silly. Tino's beyond cute, he hasn't put Hanatamago down since he got it!1! Super cute. Wat R u going to do nxt? Chocolate?_

**[Sent: Sat 14 Aug 10:15 PM]**

** Hanatamago?**

_[Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:16 PM]_

_ Yea that's what he named the puppy. Kiku translated it to Japanese for him cuz it sounds a lot better in Japanese. Flower-egg wtf lmao he's super crazy!_

**[Sent: Sat 14 Aug 10:17 PM]**

** Flower-egg? Kiku?**

_[Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:19 PM]_

_ Yea, flower egg lol. Kiku's from Asia but his friend's boyfriend lives in Europe (I think lol) so he came over here w/ him 2 meet sum new ppl u no? but then his firend left 2 find his boy (idk where he's from, the firend) so he was like "wtf do I do" but he didnt say that just looked like it and our door was open cuz we painted that pink rock this afternoon to keep it open and we made a blue 1 4 u and Tor and tino was like "uh u can cum in if u want" and he was like "ok" so we're all just hangin out, uno?_

**[Sent: Sat 14 Aug 10:20 PM]**

** No. What on Earth was that.**

_[Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:22 PM]_

_Don't blame me cuz u cant read wats right in front of u! dummy lol_

**[Sent: Sat 14 Aug 10:23 PM]**

** Okay. **

_[Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:24 PM]_

_ Lol that's it Berwaldooo?_

_ [Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:28 PM]_

_ Berwald?_

_ [Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:30 PM]_

_ Hunkkky swedeeee? Can u hear mee?_

_ [Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:31 PM]_

_ I'm texting u! _

_ Text!_

_ Here's another 1!_

_ Textttt messaginggg!_

_ [Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:36 PM]_

_ I guess u dont care bout wat im going to tell you…_

_ [Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:40 PM]_

_ Could b important… bout ur wife…_

**[Sent: Sat 14 Aug 10:41 PM]**

** I doubt you have anything of interest to say.**

_[Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:42 PM]_

_ Geez thx a lot. I totally have important shit to say… like there's gunna be a party tomorrow night. And im going, which means I'm draggin ur wife along with promises of vodka. U dont want him getting down n dirty w/ the other boyz, right? So u need to cum 2! It's happening in ASia? Maybe?_

**[Sent: Sat 14 Aug 10:44 PM]**

** Maybe?**

_[Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:45 PM]_

_ Hang on, Kiku's checkin._

_ [Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:50 PM]_

_ OKAY it's in Europe now! We got 1 of the bigger basements lol. We made Hercules go down to reserve the basement cuz he has to go let his cats shit outside neway. _

** [Sent: Sat 14 Aug 10:52 PM]**

** Are you referring to Heracles? **

_[Received: Sat 14 Aug 10:57 PM]_

_ O yea. lol woopsies. It's kinda the same u no?_

**[Sent: Sat 14 Aug 10:59 PM]**

** See you later, Feliks.**

_[Received: Sat 14 Aug 11:00 PM]_

_ What alreadddy? S'only like… 11!_

_ [Received: Sat 14 Aug 12:00 AM]_

_ Now it's midnight lol!_

_ [Received: Sat 14 Aug 1:00 AM]_

_ Now it's one! Now it is time for Feliks to go to bed!_

* * *

><p>Berwald woke at the exact same time each morning.<p>

It wasn't because he was an anal-retentive freak or because his bladder was too small to last him a whole night. It wasn't because he woke up starving.

His internal clock just set off the alarm at seven in the morning sharp.

Berwald blinked the sleep from his eyes and slowly sat up from bed. He reached for his glasses.

He grabbed his shower stuff and a change of clothes as quietly as he could because Toris was fast asleep. He left his dorm room, shutting the door as silently as he could because he was considerate, then walked down to the hall bathroom.

It was definitely adequate for the twenty-three inhabitants of his hall. There were five urinals, seven stalls, and an entire room full of showers.

Berwald smiled internally. The best thing about showering first was the ability to have water as hot as one liked.

While he was soaping his hair, he heard someone else enter the shower area. Slightly surprised there was another early morning student, he finished he shower and dried himself off.

First day of new underwear. Feliks would be proud. As he finished pulling up his trousers a shorter blond entered the dressing room with a towel around his waist.

The two nodded at each other.

"My name is Arthur."

"Berwald."

"Nice to meet you, Berwald."

"Mm."

The two finished dressing at about the same time.

"Want to go get breakfast after we put up our stuff?" Arthur asked.

"Sure."

* * *

><p>Berwald was content.<p>

He had coffee in front of him, a plate of toast with peach jam (a new favorite he discovered upon his arrival), and a carton of strawberry yogurt.

Arthur Kirkland was decent company. Berwald learned that he was third year student and amused himself with height and age comparisons as Arthur droned on about what a terrible Resident Advisor Francis was.

"Have you ever smelled him? I mean, really _smelled _him? It's like a whiff of pure prostitute-hooker-wench. Don't do it."

Arthur had much to say about the students (Francis) and faculty (Francis as a RA) of the University, but Berwald kept an open mind. Especially because Arthur was mostly complaining about Francis.

"…and he just flirts with _everyone_, likes it some kind of bloody competition! Who does that? Who hits on an eleven-year-old? No one! The poor child was obviously just with his parents and older sibling for a tour of the grounds, and Francis starts spewing his romantic bullshit. The poor family was scarred for life! He's a liability, I tell you. He needs to be fired. _Fired."_

"Mm." Berwald mumbled, far too busy enjoying his coffee to really give a fuck about Arthur's ranting.

"You know what else? Francis has probably bonked half the school. He's such a slut. And no one ever picks up on it! It's so obvious! Of course he's just using you for sex! Twits. That's all he bloody wants. Sex sex sex. He'd run around naked if it weren't against school rules!" Arthur huffed, staring angrily into his tea as if it had caused all his problems. Then he petulantly dumped two clumps of sugar into it.

Berwald hummed. He liked Arthur, but he could do without the ranting. Francis wasn't too bad as long as he stayed the fuck away from his wife. Berwald's brows furrowed for a moment.

"Blah blah blah I know! It's disgusting! Blah blah!"

Perhaps he and Francis should have a chat. Berwald didn't wish any harm to Francis, but he would not hesitate to defend his wife. Such was the duty of a good husband.

"It's one thing to hit on me, another completely to hit on my little brother! Peter's a baby! What kind of pedophile is attracted to underage children?" Arthur exclaimed.

_That's the definition of a pedophile. _Berwald mused, eyeing his toast thoughtfully. _I think I need more jam._

* * *

><p>Sunday passed relatively calmly. After a breakfast with Arthur, Berwald went back to his dorm to pick up his woodworking kit and cell phone. He greeted a sleepy Toris with a polite nod and then exited the room to get on with his day and to give Toris privacy for his own morning routine.<p>

Berwald was very satisfied with the craft center. It was large: there was an entire room dedicated solely to woodworking, with _two_ ten-inch table saws. Not to mention the hollow-chisel mortise, the eight-inch joiner, the ten-inch miter saw WM, the drill press, and all the smaller tools labeled in cabinets around the area.

There was a closet on the far side of the room. When Berwald opened it, he was presented with as much wood as he'd ever seen. The previous Sweden had told him everything was free, and Greeter had confirmed it. He couldn't believe it; there was free _mahogany. _

A rare smiled tugged at his lips as he pulled out a 4x4x8 piece of the beautiful, rich wood. It was perfect for what he had in mind.

He spent the morning perfecting his second gift. Toris texted him around noon, and Berwald agreed to meet at the cafeteria for lunch.

Berwald cleaned his workspace and placed the newly carved item in a paper bag he found lying around to hide it from prying eyes (aka Feliks). He wasn't sure if Tino and Feliks would be joining them for lunch, but he hoped so. He'd like to present this gift in person, as it was infinitely more personal. Not to mention he didn't want to deal with having to gauge his wife's responses through Feliks.

Berwald approached the cafeteria confidently. The piece was exquisite. It had taken him all morning for a reason. Tino would like it. Berwald's face relaxed. He'd really like to see Tino's smile again. It was so beautiful. Berwald sighed, perhaps a bit dreamily, and approached his roommate and a few others.

"Ah, there you are! Where have you been all morning?" Toris smiled.

"Working." Berwald replied. He scanned the small group and was pleased to see Tino. However, he was _not _pleased to see an arm that was not _his _arm around Tino's petite shoulders. He followed the arm up to an absolute scoundrel who had no problem flirting with another man's wife.

"Kindly unhand my wife." He hissed at the intruder.

"What? What the fuck?" The boy barked as Berwald forcefully removed the offending arm from Tino's shoulder.

Berwald wrapped his own arms tightly around Tino, glowering at the blonde idiot and exceedingly irate that this utter _bastard _had caused their first embrace. However, that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy Tino's warmth and scent and general attractiveness while it lasted.

"What the hell!" The boy said. "You said Tino's your _wife?"_

"Yes."

"What. The. Hell."

"Let it go, Mikkel. Please." Tino replied.

Berwald raised a brow. Was his wife finally…?

"He's just a bit crazy like this." Tino finished.

Berwald pouted, but to everyone else it looked like his frown increased threefold.

Toris laughed awkwardly. "Well, um, this is my roommate Berwald, everyone."

Berwald did not relinquish his hold on Tino, but nodded politely at the other group members except Mikkel, who stuck out his tongue in retaliation.

"Berwald, this is Mikkel Densen, Lukas Bondevik, and Emil Steilsson."

Lukas didn't respond, eyes glaring holes into Mikkel's sides.

Emil nodded back. "Nice to meet you. In case you're curious, I'm from Iceland. Lukas is from Norway. We are related, half-brothers: same dad, different moms."

Berwald didn't respond. He was too busy helping Lukas glare Mikkel to death.

"And the fun has arrived!" Feliks popped into the group. "What did I miss?" He quickly pulled out his pink phone and took a snapshot of Berwald hugging Tino. "Fabulous!" He chirped. "New background~"

"Can we eat now?" Lukas grumbled.

Toris tugged on Berwald's arm. "Maybe you should let Tino go?"

"Make me." Berwald replied.

Toris sighed. "Sorry, Tino." Berwald felt his wife shrug. Berwald was also slightly confused: what did Toris have to be sorry for?

Lukas was already walking through the cafeteria doors, Mikkel right behind him and Emil trailing behind the duo. Feliks latched on to Toris' arm and dragged the brunette away.

Berwald released Tino from the hug, but gently turned the boy around so Tino was facing him.

"I have a gift for you." Berwald stammered, "but I had no paper. So no note from your secret admirer."

Tino smiled, a bit resigned. "That's all right."

Berwald thrust the paper bag in Tino's face. Tino gingerly took it and opened it. He gasped.

"Berwald, that's beautiful!"

"Mmhmm."

"It's for me?" Tino gazed at a life-size rose, stem and all, made completely of mahogany. "Oh my gosh, where did you find this?"

"Made it."

"You _made _it?"

"This morning. For you." Berwald shrugged. "S'not very big, but it's realistic."

"It's amazing." Tino mumbled, admiring Berwald's skill. "You're amazing."

"Thanks." Berwald replied. He was quite pleased to see a blush flare across Tino's face.

"I-I mean, your _work _is amazing. How you make things. You know, the process of how you do it. The skill. Yes." Tino laughed nervously.

Berwald smiled. Tino eeped.

"Thanks."

"Haha, yeah." Tino gently shifted his weight from foot to foot.

Berwald stared at his wife. He was dressed so lovely today. Berwald loved that damn hat. He also really liked the light blue color Tino seemed to be fond of, although it didn't quite match the lavender—or was it lilac?—of his eyes. Berwald leaned forward to get a better look.

Tino eeped again. "C-Can we go eat? Now? Please?"

Berwald blinked. How inconsiderate of him to delay Tino's meal. "Course. I apologize."

"Um, okay. Thanks for the presents."

Berwald held out his arm. "You are most welcome, my wife."

Tino blinked, and then frowned at the endearment. "I'm not your damn wife!" Tino huffed, exasperated, and marched angrily around Berwald's outstretched arm towards the cafeteria.

Berwald watched him go with amusement.

* * *

><p>AN: Okay, Nordic names. They don't have official names! So I picked my favorites from the Hetalia wikia site. Once they get actual names I'll edit!

Thanks for all the reviews, favs, and alerts! (PS, if you have PM-ing disabled I can't personally thank you. But here's a quick THANK YOU!)

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about the party. But will it be a party in Sweden's pants...?


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four: "**We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams

* * *

><p>Tino was sitting on his bed, watching Feliks trounce around their dorm room in his underwear belting out Lady Gaga songs and searching for clothes. Tino rolled his eyes. Hanatamago was sitting snuggly on his lap, and Tino couldn't help but stroke the soft fur with his thumb as he watched the impromptu performance. Feliks was obviously dedicated to finding the perfect outfit, and he didn't give a shit how many songs he had to sing to find it.<p>

Tino was surprised to see he had settled on dark blue skinny jeans. Okay. Maybe not the fact they were skinny jeans, but Tino knew for a fact (as in, he'd _seen_) pink pleather pants in Feliks' wardrobe. As well as some pretty scary looking high-heeled shoes. Why would Feliks settle for simple skinny jeans?

It was their first official "university" party. Tino knew Feliks was excited. The blonde had babbled about it continuously during dinner, making sure everyone at the table knew. Mikkel seemed the most enthusiastic, Tino noted, especially after Feliks mentioned alcohol.

"Here it is!" Feliks squealed, pulling a plain white v-neck shirt from the bottom of his dresser. "I knew this was in here. Accessories now!" He chirped, tossing the shirt onto the skinny jeans.

Tino blinked. A white shirt? No pink, really?

"Feliks…"

"BORN TO SURVIVVVE!"

"Feliks."

"…BLACK WHITE OR BEIGE…!"

"FELIKS!"

"What? You don't have to yell!"

Tino huffed. "You weren't listening."

"Can't you see I'm totally in the middle of a design? This is very important!"

"I was just wondering why there isn't any pink." Tino gestured to the pile of clothes, now including a blue bandanna and a few bracelets.

"Do you want there to be pink?" Feliks replied, facing his roommate and examining his (freshly painted pink!) nails.

"It's your favorite color. I just thought you'd be wearing it…"

Feliks burst into laughter. "Oh, honey. You're precious."

Tino's brow furrowed. "What—"

"None of this is for _me._"

"Wait, what—"

Feliks grinned cheekily. "You don't think I'd let you wear just _anything_, did you? It's like your first date with Berwaldo! You have to look fetch!"

"Fetch?"

"You know," Feliks twirled his wrist, searching for the right adjective. "Like, fetch."

"Woof-woof, like a stick?" Tino held up Hanatamago, confused.

"No! Culture is obviously lost on the likes of you." Feliks huffed, turning back to his clothes. "Now strip."

"What?"

"Strip."

"Why? Why can't I just—"

"I WANT TO SEE YOUR BODY!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at this very moment, Heracles was leaving room 312 to take his cats downstairs to let them poop outside.<p>

As he closed the door to his dorm, he heard a shriek.

"STOP IT!"

Heracles blinked. _What is going on…?_

"TAKE THEM OFF DAMMIT."

"NO! LET GO OF ME!"

"I WANT TO SEE YOU NAKED!"

"_NO!_"

"RIGHT NOW! I MEAN IT!"

"NO! STOP! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY CLOTHES!"

"YOUR PANTS ARE TOO BAGGY! HOW WILL BERWALD SEE YOUR PERT HOT ASS?"

"I DON'T CARE IF HE SEES MY—WHAT THE _FUCK _ARE YOU DOING?"

"YOU CAN'T WEAR NORMAL UNDERWEAR WITH THESE—TOO TIGHT. YOU NEED A THONG!"

"LIKE FUCK I'M WEARING A FUCKING THONG!"

Heracles blinked again, eyeing room 311 wearily.

* * *

><p>Unsurprisingly, Feliks won the clothes war. Tino begrudgingly changed into his party outfit. Tino was surprised that the pants were a lot more comfortable than he thought. The t-shirt wasn't too bad, either.<p>

"See? Not too hard." Feliks admired Tino's reflection. "My pants make your ass look fantastic! Look at that tushy!"

Tino glowered at his image. "I don't like the scarf."

"Bandana, love."

"What the fuck. Bandana then. I look like a hipster."

"Of course you do. Scarves are too mainstream, so I chose a bandana."

"I don't like it." Tino pulled at the blue material uncomfortably.

"Fine. Bandanas aren't for everyone." Feliks untied it and tossed it to the side. "Better?"

"And the bracelets? Are they mainstream? Can they go?"

"No! They're cute and sparkly." Feliks cooed. "I like cute and sparkly."

"I don't."

"Aww, but Tino…!" Feliks whined. "The glitteriness will match our body glitter!"

"…_what?_"

* * *

><p>Heracles was now returning from his cat bathroom break.<p>

He approached his door with a small smile on his face because he'd found a new cat outside. He just adopted them like that. The school let him live alone so he could take car of his cats.

As he dug around in his pocket for his room key, he heard another shriek.

"PUT IT ON!"

"NO! FUCK NO!"

"WHY NOT? IT'S CUTE!"

"NO."

"PUT IT OOOON!"

"NOOOO!"

"IT MAKES YOUR CHEST LOOK ATTRACTIVE!"

"NO!"

"ANDANDAND YOU CAN USE IT AS LUBRICA—"

"FUCKING HELL IS NOTHING SACRED TO YOU?"

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH SPARKLY LUBE?"

"EVERYTHING!"

"I BET BERWALDO WOULD LIKE SPARKLY LUBE—"

"_STOP WITH THE LUBE! JUST FUCKING STOP!"_

"YOU DO USE IT FOR FUCKING!"

"AHHHH! JUST STOP. PLEASE STOP!"

Heracles nodded his head in approval.

Lube made for some good fucking.

* * *

><p>"There. Nice and sparkly." Feliks clasped his hands together and did a small spin of joy. "You are precious. I like what I did with your face!"<p>

"You said just glitter…!"

"Well, I couldn't just _stop _at glitter!"

Tino sighed wearily.

"Feliks."

"Yes?"

"Thanks for letting me wear your clothes." Tino had to admit he looked cute.

"You're most welcome! I totally enjoyed picking them out. It's like my thing."

"Don't you need to get yourself ready?"

Feliks grinned. "I know what I'm wearing. I picked it out before I left home!"

"Really?"

"Yep!" Feliks whipped out the pink pleather pants. "These are my newly-purchased-get-my-man pants!" He boasted proudly. "They make my ass look like a god."

Tino watched Feliks jiggle his ass in his news pants. Tino had never seen pants so tight. The fabric was literally a second skin.

"See why thongs are totally a must? Panty lines are like the biggest no-no."

Tino grunted. "Feels like a perpetual wedgie."

"Oh, tosh. You'll get used to it."

"I sure hope the fuck not."

Feliks put on a different, thinner white t-shirt and a pair of pink stilettos. Tino watched him apply makeup, slightly curious.

"You're really going all out, huh?"

"Yeah." Feliks said. "This is like, really important. Really really _really _important."

"Getting your man?" Tino teased.

"You have no idea." Feliks replied, somewhat seriously. Tino was taken aback.

"He means that much to you?" Tino said softly.

Feliks nodded, eyes watering a bit. "Shit, shit. Gonna ruin my eyes if I cry. Tell me what Berwaldo gave you today. Distract me! I worked too hard on this!"

"A rose. He made it for me."

"Oh, really? So romantic!"

Tino walked over to where he'd placed the piece after dinner. Feliks gasped. "Omigod!"

"I know." Tino admired it, turning the rose in his hands. "He spent all morning on it."

"D'aww. Berwald is such a big teddy bear." Feliks replied. "I think I want my hair up."

"Ponytail?" Tino asked.

"Definitely." Feliks grabbed a pink elastic and twirled his hair into a short ponytail. Then he clipped up the loose strands and finished with a light stream of hairspray. "How do I look?" Feliks twirled around and posed for Tino.

Tino smiled. "Cute!"

Feliks nodded, satisfied. "I hope it's enough."

Tino grabbed his hand and squeezed gently. "Toris, right?"

Feliks blushed. "Am I that obvious?"

"No, but I can't imagine you being this serious about anyone else. How long have you known him?"

"Years." Feliks laughed. "Years and years and years. His family and my family have been friends for generations."

Tino nodded, trying to get Feliks to continue because he was nosy.

"In case you didn't know, I'm gay." Feliks said blatantly.

Tino couldn't stop his chuckle. "I sort of figured."

"I've known for a long time. I always liked dolls and dress-up more than football and other 'masculine' pastimes." Feliks paused. "My parents didn't care. At all. Neither did Toris. He didn't mind playing dolls with me or letting me dress him up even if the other kids laughed at us."

"Nice."

"Toris is _so _kind." Feliks continued. "Totally the nicest person like, ever. And then middle school came. I was totally into boys, you know? So I had boyfriends. Tons of them throughout school. Toris had a few girlfriends back at his school in Lithuania.

"And then one day in high school we just kissed." Feliks said, touching his fingertips to his lips. "I don't know, it was like a fairytale. Like magic. Like everything they tell you true love's first kiss should be! I mean, Liet is my best friend. It would be like amazing to be with him, you know? But he was just experimenting."

Feliks sighed softly, interlocking his fingers and staring at his hands. "He apologized and said he wasn't interested in any boys. That it wasn't me, but my gender."

"But it was too late, wasn't it?" Tino said.

"Oh yeah. I was totally head over heels as soon as he kissed me. Still am. He has like no idea though." Feliks replied a bit sadly. "But…I know he's been looking, you know? This summer, he was visiting and I walked out of the shower in just a towel and he _blushed. _He apologized for walking in, the sweetheart, but totally couldn't keep his eyes off me!" Feliks said with a smile. "So I'm hoping that maybe I can put the moves on him tonight. A bit. To test the water."

Tino smiled. "I wish you luck."

Feliks grinned. "I just have to get totally wasted first so that I don't get nervous and chicken out."

Tino laughed. "That's a much better strategy!"

* * *

><p>AN: I know it's shorter, but this is the best place to break it up! We needed some Tino-perspective time. And we needed to learn about Feliks' crush, and he wouldn't tell Berwald because he might tell Toris. I promise they will eventually rip it to shreds, motherfucker. 8D

Thanks for all the reviews/favs/alerts! Thank you thank you!


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five: "**Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you." Jean Rostand, _Le Mariage_, 1927

* * *

><p>Berwald was currently lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. Toris was at his desk, hunched over his laptop and typing something frantic. Berwald wasn't sure what the rush was about.<p>

He glanced at his watch. It was currently 9:07 PM. Feliks had announced that he and Tino would come down to room 303 at 9:15 and then they could go down to the party together.

Berwald wasn't really sure what the big deal was. Party. His brow was furrowed in thought.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. Then he Googled the definition of "party."

Instead of a definition, he got a list of party suppliers. Had Feliks be forced to pay a supplier for a party entirely by himself? How much did a single party cost? Was Tino involved? Could Tino afford a party? Berwald didn't mind helping if they needed him to. He'd do anything to make Tino happy.

He switched his inquiry to "define: party." Berwald blinked at the first item that appeared.

An organization used to gain political power? No. No, Feliks wasn't intelligent enough to organize something like that. Unless Berwald had complete misjudged his character, but Feliks was just… Feliks.

He frowned at the next definition. A group of people gathered together in pleasure. Was this some kind of large-scale event dedicated to sexual promiscuity? That would explain Francis' approval. Berwald didn't want his wife to attend anything of that nature. Knowing Feliks, it was probably something along things lines.

"Toris." Berwald asked.

"Huh?" Toris blinked, eyes moving away from his computer screen. "Oh, what's up, Berwald?"

"Will we need condoms?"

"Wait, _what_?"

"I know lubricant is necessary for pleasurable gay intercourse, but—"

"Whoa. Just stop right there." Toris held up his hand. "What do they teach you in Sweden?"

Berwald shrugged. "Just want Tino to feel good."

"I said to stop!" Toris gaped, exasperated. "Where are you getting this from?"

Berwald tossed his phone to Toris, who read the definition on Berwald's phone.

"No, Berwald. Hang on." Toris scrolled down. "Here! This is the one you want." He tossed the phone back.

Berwald read the new information with interest. _"__A party is a gathering of people who have been invited by a host for the purposes of socializing, conversation, and recreation. A party will typically feature food and beverages, and often music and dancing as well."_

"I see." Berwald murmured. "Good."

Toris chuckled, and then jumped when someone pounded on their door.

"Guys~! It's time to go!" Feliks continued to pound out a rhythm on their door. "We're going to dance and get totally smashed and….!"

Toris opened the door and clenched his jaw to keep it from dropping to the floor.

God.

God.

_God. _

Feliks was so _gorgeous._

And then Feliks smiled a big, innocent, naïve little grin and spun around with his arms outstretched. "Don't I look cute, Toris? Do you like my new pants?"

"Guh." Toris replied. "I mean, duh. Of course, Feliks. Your butt—I mean, your —_you_ look great."

"Thanks!" Feliks said with a little bounce. His heels were so high, his ass looked pretty damn fantastic; it was an image that Toris' brain saved several times for his wank bank. "Oops!" Feliks teetered forward, losing his balance and colliding against Toris' chest. "Sorry, Tor."

"It's okay. Yeah." Toris replied.

Feliks winked at Tino, who shook his head in amused acknowledgment.

Berwald exited a few seconds later. Tino blinked.

"Uh, Berwald?"

"Mm?"

"Weren't you going to change?"

Berwald sent Tino a confused look. "Change what?"

"Clothes." Tino replied. "It's a party."

"I thought I didn't need to be naked?"

"What?" Tino replied.

"You're fine, Berwald." Toris cut in.

Tino looked a bit curious, but didn't ask anything else. Berwald frowned. Tino could ask him anything he liked. Berwald stepped forward and offered his arm to Tino.

"Walk with me?"

"Uh, sure." Tino replied, gingerly taking the offered elbow with his hand.

Feliks and Toris were walking behind them at a slower pace for Feliks and his heels.

"Berwald."

"Yes?"

"Thanks again. For the rose, I mean. It's really cool. When did you start working with wood?"

"Young. No problem."

"What do you like to make most?"

"Furniture."

"Really?" Tino made a cute face that Berwald paused to admire.

"You're cute."

"W-what?"

"You're cute." Berwald decided to elaborate. "I find you attractive."

"Uh, yes." Tino tittered nervously. "Berwald, about that…"

"Mm?"

"Well, we've known each other for what, three days?"

"About."

"It's too soon to call me your wife." Tino said. "I don't like it."

Berwald blinked. "I'm making you uncomfortable."

"Yes."

"That was not my intention."

"I know." Tino squeezed Berwald's arm reassuringly. "It's not that you aren't, um, kind, Berwald. I just don't really _know _you that well."

"I see." Berwald replied distantly.

"A-and I just… well, you're just…" Tino fumbled for words.

"What?"

"_Scary._" Tino blurted out, then smacked his hand over his mouth.

Berwald's eyebrows rose. "Pardon?"

"I-I just mean, sometimes you get this f-face and it's like you're going to _kill _me or something…!"

"No." Berwald said softly. He grabbed Tino's wrist and dragged his wife down he hall as quickly as he could. They walked down the steps, Berwald taking them a bit slower so Tino could keep up. Instead of leading Tino towards the basement steps, he escorted the shorter male out of the building.

"Berwald, where…"

As soon as they cleared the door, Berwald quickly brought one arm around Tino's waist to rest on his lower back. The other hand went to the side of Tino's face.

"Tino." He breathed.

"B-Ber—mmphm…!" Tino's eyes bulged.

Berwald was very happy. He and Tino were finally kissing.

Tino's eyes were open, staring into Berwald's own as they kissed. He looked a bit surprised, Berwald noted.

Tino jolted out of his daze and brought his hands to push against Berwald's chest. Berwald broke the kiss on an exceptionally hard punch.

"What the fuck." Tino muttered, pressing one hand over his mouth. "What are you—"

Berwald dropped to one knee on the sidewalk.

"You cannot be serious." Tino said.

"Marry me?" Berwald asked, his hands gently holding on of Tino's own.

"_No_, Berwald." Tino tugged his hand, but Berwald's grip increased. "Let me go!"

"Tino." Berwald breathed. "Tino, say yes?"

"_No._" Tino replied strongly. "Nonono_no_. We're supposed to be going to a party together, Berwald!"

"I know. But I really want to marry you."

Tino sighed. "Berwald. Look, you're a very nice guy but—"

"Why won't you marry me?" Berwald said. "What can I do to convince you?"

"Oh, holy fuck. Why are you so…! Argh!"

"I'll take good care of you." Berwald argued.

"Berwald…"

"I will win the bread."

"Berwald, stop."

"I am sorry I frighten you. I will try harder not to."

"Berwald, that's great and all—"

"Please?"

"Oh my God. You need help. Serious fucking help." Tino stared at Berwald, who pouted tremendously.

The two blondes looked at each other for a couple awkward moments.

"My stubborn wife." Berwald finally replied.

"Perkele." Tino pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. "What am I going to do with you?"

"…Marry me?"

"Rhetorical question, Berwald." Tino sighed. "Can we just go to the party?"

"If that is what you want." Berwald said softly.

Tino cringed. "Look, Berwald, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. It's just too soon. You need to give me time, okay?"

Berwald looked at Tino crossly. "No others."

"No, Berwald, there are no others. I promise. If I wanted to get married right now, I'd marry you, okay? But I don't because I'm _not ready_. So can you just give it a rest?"

Berwald took Tino's hand in his own and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. Tino blushed something awful. "I will rest."

"Thank you."

"But wife," Berwald continued, a hard look in his eyes as he pressed a kiss to the palm of Tino's hand, "I will never give up."

Tino huffed and yanked his hand away. "Not your fucking wife!" He hissed as he marched back to the building.

Berwald easily caught up and held the door open for Tino. Because there was only one, this time Tino would be forced to accept Berwald's display of affection.

Tino came to a halt in front of the door. "I don't need you to hold it open for me."

"I know." Berwald replied.

"I assure you I can open a damn door." Tino said crossly.

"I am aware." Berwald said, slightly amused at Tino's irritation.

"It's not worth it." Tino muttered to himself, dropping his arms and marching through the door. Berwald followed Tino into the building and down the hall to the basement stairs.

* * *

><p>Berwald eyed Feliks' party guests with discreet vigilance, trying to spot which ones might pose a threat to his future marital happiness. He had a "red cup," one that entitled him to an evening full of various liver-destroying beverages. Apparently there was some kind of cost associated with the acquisition of said cup, but Feliks had simply handed him one and told him to have a fabulous time.<p>

Berwald wasn't much of a drinker. It wasn't that he couldn't handle his liquor or that he was a horribly embarrassing drunk: he was simply cheap.

Liquor was expensive. Berwald was not willing to dish out the cash in order to obtain a beverage that would make him act like a complete fool when imbibed. It was not worth it.

He did not understand recreational drinking, either. Why would one wish to pay for alcohol only to sicken oneself with it in the long run? Another reason the majority of people were idiots, Berwald decided.

Berwald detested regurgitation, to phrase it politely. It was disgusting.

Berwald also didn't like the loss of motor control and mental processes associated with alcohol. The parting of conscious action was almost barbaric to him. He did not have much patience with ridiculous behavior.

However, even though his red cup had been free, he decided to drink water in order to take care of his wife.

Beautiful Tino had already downed six shots of vodka and looked like he was simply warming up. Berwald figured that he'd need to haul his wife back to his dorm room after this event ended.

He sat with his water in the corner of the room, people watching.

It appeared that the Russian who lived next door—Ivan—was in charge of the vodka supply. Berwald was unsurprised. His lovely wife was enamored with the vodka, and seemed to be spending the majority of his time talking with a man with glasses.

Berwald's eyes narrowed dangerously. He'd have to find out who this said man was.

He pushed himself off his uncomfortable metal chair and marched towards Tino.

His wife and aforementioned sexual predator were talking on one of the long couches in the room, red cups in hand. Tino held his out as sexual predator poured him another shot.

Berwald loomed dangerously over Tino's back, glaring down at the man pouring vodka. When sexual predator looked up, he started in surprise and ended up spilling vodka all over the couch.

Tino blinked, then turned his head and stared at Berwald.

"Hi." Berwald said.

"You made Eduard spill the vodka." Tino replied rather sadly.

"There's more."

Tino perked up instantly. "Oh! Did you hear that, Eduard? Imma go get some more."

Tino left the two men, and Eduard looked at Berwald nervously. "Um, hi?"

"Tino's my wife." Berwald growled. "Don't get ideas."

"Your wife, really?" Eduard was too distracted by Berwald's illogical statement to fully grasp the threat behind Berwald's warning. "But he's a male?"

Berwald glowered at him. "No. Ideas."

"This is the raspberry-flavored kind!" Tino returned with a bottle, delighted. "I don't know if I've had raspberry-flavored before." He poured himself a shot and turned to Berwald. "Do you want some?"

Berwald shook his head no.

Tino looked put out. "But it's fucking _raspberry?"_

"More for you." Berwald explained.

Tino grinned. "That's why you're the best, Berwald!" He downed his shot and collapsed happily onto the couch.

Berwald was pleased with his wife's praise, and sat next to Tino on the couch. Eduard eyed the two pensively.

"Tino, Berwald said you were his wife."

"Ah. Yes. That. Hang on." Tino was distracted trying to steady his hand enough to pour out another shot. Berwald gently eased the bottle out of his wife's hands and poured the shot for him. He was rewarded with Tino's happy smile.

"What didja say?" Tino turned his focus back to Eduard, and Berwald sent his strongest glare.

"Er, you know? I don't remember. But there's somewhere else I have to be exactly right now. It was nice to meet you both." Eduard left suddenly.

Tino shrugged and ran his fingers down the vodka bottle happily. "More for me!"

"You've had eight." Berwald replied, gently prying Tino's fingers from the bottle. "Water now."

Tino pouted furiously. "But I _like_ vodka."

Berwald's lips twitched into a small smile. "I have realized."

Tino crossed his hands in front of his chest, looking away from Berwald.

"Are you sulking?" Berwald teased gently.

"No! I just want more vodka and you won't lemme have any." Tino slurred. "Pleeease, Ber?"

"No."

"I'll do anythin'!"

A million thoughts raced through Berwald's mind in a single second, most of them completely inappropriate. But Tino didn't need any more shots. Berwald didn't want him sick.

"No, wife." He ran his fingers through Tino's hair. "Sorry. Water first."

Tino huffed dramatically and turned away from him. "Well, you're sleeping alone tonight!"

"Okay."

"And, and um…" Tino paused. "And you must get me chocolates! Five hundred thousand million of them!"

"You're quite inebriated."

"I am not!" Tino gesticulated. "I don't even know what that _is_."

Berwald smirked in amusement. "I will tell you tomorrow."

"Does it mean… like… um, you know." Tino explained.

"No."

"I'm not done." Tino said. "Shut up. I tell you when to talk."

Berwald raised a brow. "Really?"

"Yeah." Tino eyed him with a drunken grin. "'Cause now you're my slave!"

"I see."

"And you gotta do what I tell you."

"Okay."

"More vodka!"

"No."

"You aren't a good slave."

"Sorry."

Tino sighed. "You know, Ber, I think that I need something."

"What?"

"Huh? What?" Tino said, snapping his head towards Berwald. "Did you say something?"

Berwald rolled his eyes. "No, wife."

"Oh. Okay. Let's watch people now. I will tell you their secrets."

Berwald blinked. "How do you know their secrets?"

"I live with Feliks."

Berwald nodded. "Of course."

"But you gotta, you know." Tino waved his hand at the space between them on the couch. "You gotta be closer cause other people can't hear the secrets. Else they wouldn't be secrets."

Berwald wrapped his arms around Tino's waist and pulled his wife into his lap. "Good?"

"Yeah! Ber, you're all warm." Tino replied, leaning back against Berwald's chest. "Do you have a heater in your pants?"

"No."

"Oh." Tino looked slightly disappointed. "Vodka now?"

"No, wife. Water." Berwald held his own cup in front of Tino's face.

"Fuck you."

"Secrets?"

"Oh, right." Tino took a sip of water. "Okay, so. Hm. See that guy over there?" Tino gestured at a taller man leaning against the wall.

"Mm."

"That's Tim Mogens, from the Netherlands. He's Mikkel's roommate." Berwald decided that Tino had a pleasant gossiping voice. "Emil likes him."

"Hm?"

"You know, like as in like-like." Tino said.

"Like as in attracted to?"

"Yes, Ber. Devil, you're slow. Okay. Emil likes him. I don't know if he likes Emil though. But Mikkel really wants him to so that they can switch roommates so Mikkel can bang Lukas."

"I see."

"But I don't even know if Mikkel and Lukas are dating." Tino shrugged. "I know Mikkel likes Lukas but Lukas is kind of a hardass."

"Mm."

"Ooh, and you see him?"

"Yes."

"That's Vash. He's my friend." Tino said.

Berwald straightened up immediately. "Your…friend."

"We're a club together. The um, the one with guns. You know? We shoot at stuff." Tino attempted to elaborate.

"Gun club?"

"Yeah!" Tino cheered, spilling a bit of water from the side of Berwald's cup in his enthusiasm. "It's fun. We compete for points and shit. I'm better at sniping but he's good at it, too. And he knows how to take guns apart and build them and stuff."

"Sniping?"

"You know, long distance? Bam-bam?"

"Yes, I know." Berwald was slightly surprised to learn his wife's favorite hobby. "You do this often?"

"Fuck yeah. Every day. We shoot shit." Tino grinned happily. "S'fun."

"Good." Berwald murmured. "Fun is good."

"And that's Sadiq Adnan, from Turkey. Feliks said that he and Hercules—"

"Heracles."

"—used to be roommates but got in such a terrible fight that they had to be separated. And so Sadiq lives with Arthur now but Arthur used to live with Francis—Feliks thinks they were lovers, but Feliks thinks everyone is lovers." Tino bumbled through his explanation.

"Mm."

"And over there is Vash's roommate. Luddy-something."

"Ludwig." Berwald replied. "Lives across from me. Didn't know Vash, though."

"Really?" Tino perked up. "Feliks said that he heard that Ludwig was dating Feliciano, one of the Italian twins?"

"They are dating." Berwald replied gently. "Is that so bad?"

"No, 'course not. Just confirmed!" Tino chirped. "Can I have more vodka yet?"

"No, wife. Entire cup of water first."

"The _entire_—fuck you! This is a lot of fucking water!" Tino said angrily.

"It's half empty already." Berwald pointed out.

Tino looked into the cup. "Oh. Yeah. Still a lot."

"S'good for you to moderate your alcohol intake and balance it with hydration." Berwald said.

"Too many big words." Tino stared into his water, willing it to disappear. "Can't I just hydrate with vodka?"

"No, wife."

* * *

><p>AN: A quick note on couples: this is a sufin, and will continue to focus on sufin. There will be side lietpol. Other than that, I honestly have no real "coupley" scenes in mind for anyone else. This isn't because I don't like other couples, it's just easier for me. Sorry to disappoint anyone. (In other words, we might HEAR about others, but not see them.)

This chapter is extra long to make up for last time. Thanks for all the reviews/favs/alerts! You all make me very happy. ;D


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six: "**Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate." Barnett R. Brickner

* * *

><p>Berwald decided that he liked parties.<p>

Tino's behavior, however alcohol-induced, was quite endearing. The little blonde hadn't left Berwald's lap. In fact, within the last few minutes, he'd begun to shift around and was constantly repositioning his weight on top of his "seat." Berwald found his wife's movements very arousing although he did his best to quell his body's instantaneous reaction.

"Wife, what's bothering you?"

"Vodka time!" Tino cheered happily, proudly presenting Berwald with his empty red cup.

"Mm." Berwald easily reached around his wife and plucked the raspberry vodka bottle from the coffee table in front of the couch. He poured Tino about two shots worth.

"Yay!" Tino grasped his own cup happily and knocked back the shots in one go. "More?"

"Wait a few minutes." Berwald ran a hand through Tino's sweaty hair.

Tino huffed unhappily, fidgeting on Berwald's lap.

"What's bothering you?" Berwald asked again.

"A wedgie."

"…what_._"

"You know, when your underwear rides up your ass." Tino gestured to his groin. "I'm wearing Feliks' panties that don't have a butt cuz my pants are too tight. It's like a perpetual wedgie."

Berwald blinked. "No butt?"

"Yeah, it's like they're butt-less. How do people sell butt-less underpants? How much _are _butt-less underpants?"

"I don't know."

"Why do people buy them?"

"I don't know."

"Feliks owns them. Should we ask Feliks?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"…more vodka?" Berwald distracted his wife easily. The swede was quite content to keep his wife on his lap, thanks.

"Oh, sure! I love vodka." Tino grinned, watching Berwald pour him another two shots. "D'you think that Francis has really fucked everyone on our floor?"

Berwald eyed his wife curiously. "No."

"Really? Cuz Arthur said he had." Tino blinked. "D'you… d'you think Arthur was _lying?_"

"Yes."

"Omigod. Omigod, Ber. We gotta tell someone. Cuz… cuz lying is _bad._"

"Mm." Berwald's lips twitched at his wife's complete horror.

"Have _you _ever lied?" Tino whispered accusingly.

"Never." Berwald lied.

Tino's expression lightened. "Good. I knew I could trust you."

"Mm."

Tino frowned and shifted his weight again. "Berwallld," he whined, "I really hate these pantiesss."

"I'm sorry."

"Can I take them off?" Tino had stumbled upon the only solution for his predicament. "Please?"

"Here?" Berwald looked a bit surprised. "No."

"Aw, why not? S'not like these guys haven't seen a dick before."

"Tino." Berwald hissed.

"What? What did I say?" Tino blinked innocently.

Berwald huffed and wrapped his arms tightly around his wife. "Your dick is mine."

"Oooh." Tino replied. "You got jealous cuz I was gonna strip?"

"Yes."

"Oooh. Then I won't. Don't worry!" Tino smiled happily. And pressed a hand to his head. "Oh dear."

Berwald looked at his wife, concerned. "What is wrong?"

"I just… whoa." Tino fell back against Berwald's chest. "What kind of vodka is that?"

"Raspberry."

"Maybe shouldn't of… wow." Tino looked dazedly up at Berwald. "You have blue eyes."

"Yes." Berwald replied, pressing his hand against Tino's brow in concern. He wasn't warm, but alcohol poisoning didn't cause fever. "Too many shots?"

"Too many?" Tino scoffed weakily. "Can never have too many—"

Tino passed out.

Berwald frowned.

He glanced around the room, looking for one of the two people he'd come with.

He spotted Feliks easily enough. He gently stood, lifting his wife in the proper bridal style manner with Tino's head tucked under Berwald's chin. He softly crossed the room, doing his best not to jostle the man in his arms.

"Feliks." Berwald said sternly.

The blond spun around from where he was chatting and dancing with Toris and that damn sexual predator.

"Hey Berwald! Oh." Feliks looked at Tino. "He fell asleep?"

"Passed out." Berwald replied.

"Oh, that's okay. Totally less lame." Feliks tittered. Berwald did not think the situation was nearly as amusing.

"I'm putting my wife to bed. May we switch rooms for the night so I can watch him?"

"Oh, aren't you just like the most precious thing!" Feliks squeaked. "Of course we can!"

Berwald realized that Feliks was also intoxicated and sighed. He looked to Toris for confirmation, and Toris nodded that he'd watch over Feliks.

With Toris' nod, he left the party and climbed the steps to return to Tino's dorm room.

Carrying Tino up four flights of steps from the basement to room 311 was no problem. Laying Tino down comfortably on his side on the top bunk was no problem, either. However, Berwald was concerned about Tino's undergarments.

Tino had been complaining about them. He'd wanted to take them off. Feliks' tight pants could not be comfortable sleepwear, and Berwald was not about to let Tino suffer any more than he had to. His wife was going to wake with an atrocious hangover, and Berwald would be damned if he'd also wake up uncomfortable in tonight's party clothes.

Therefore, the only logical conclusion was to remove his wife's clothing and replace it with more suitable nightwear.

The lights were dim in room 311, because even though Tino had technically passed out Berwald wasn't inconsiderate. Lights always bothered him when he was trying to sleep, and if Tino woke up the lights would add to his headache.

Berwald shuffled around his wife's dorm room, acquainting himself with the locations of all trashcans and extra trash bags (in case of a regurgitation emergency) as well as setting out a few aspirin and a vitamin.

Then he realized he was simply delaying the inevitable. Berwald needed to man up. His wife needed him. This was neither the time nor the place to be afraid of breaking his wife's trust by changing his clothes.

Berwald took a deep breath and approached his wife's closet.

He found a t-shirt and a plain pair of boxers quickly enough. That, however, was the easy part.

He climbed up the side of Tino's lofted bed, doing his best not to shake the piece of furniture. Tino was on his side, breathing normally.

Berwald didn't think he had alcohol poisoning. It was most likely a simple case of too much alcohol too quickly. His wife had not listened when Berwald explained hydration and moderation, and perhaps this would be a good lesson for the future.

Berwald took his wife's hand and gently tugged several bracelets from the still wrist. He put them in his trouser pocket. Then he decided to get the hard part over with.

He pulled Tino's shoes and socks from his feet. Berwald dropped them to the floor.

He pushed himself up, leaning over his wife carefully so he was balanced between the ceiling and Tino's bed. He tenderly placed one arm behind Tino's head, his knees straddling Tino's prone form.

Berwald's eye twitched as he stared at the top button of his wife's jeans.

Well, damn. Now or never.

He undid the button and tugged the fabric apart, revealing a zipper and a trail of light peach fuzz coating Tino's stomach. His fingers shook as they pulled down the zipper.

Berwald sighed, reaching around his wife and tugging down on the pants, hoping they'd come easily and not disturb Tino.

To his dismay, Feliks' tight pants were tight. Very tight. And they hardly budged when Berwald pulled on them.

Berwald realized that he was going to have to put his hands _inside_ Tino pants to be able to work the fabric down over Tino's hips.

He nervously slid one hand down Tino's back and over his ass. Tino shifted slightly, moaning in his sleep, and Berwald's face flushed with arousal. The other hand gently worked itself under Tino's side in order to get the jeans out from beneath Tino's weight.

Berwald worked efficiently, but gradually and lightly because he didn't want to wake his wife.

The jeans finally came off, and Berwald blinked at the sudden understanding of Tino's drunken complaints.

His wife was wearing a _thong._ As in, women's panties. Berwald blinked at Tino's pink silk-encased package and realized he was really, really embarrassed. This was really, really embarrassing and hopefully Tino would _not _ask questions tomorrow and would _not _tell Feliks because if Feliks found out the entire campus would know.

Berwald didn't think he'd ever blushed so violently. He was sure his cheeks were flaming.

And _fucking hell_ he really did not need an erection right now. Fuck.

He grasped the edges of the thong and averted his eyes. Then he pulled the garment down past Tino's ankles in one swift motion.

Quickly, he snatched the boxers from where he'd placed them and slid them back up Tino's form.

Berwald was sweating furiously. He'd tried desperately not to look at his wife's private regions.

He had failed miserably, of course. His erection had not dissipated; in fact, if anything, he was even harder.

Berwald sighed heavily and tugged Tino's party shirt off. He gently pulled the clean shirt over Tino's head and moved Tino's arms through the sleeves.

Mission accomplished.

Berwald pushed himself off of Tino's mattress and climbed back down the lofted bed.

Standing up, he was about eye-level with Tino's sleeping face.

He leaned against the lofted bed, staring at his wife's relaxed face. He was so beautiful. _Everything _was so beautiful. Berwald smiled and raked his fingers through Tino's hair.

Even though he was hard as a rock, this was not the time for frivolous self-pleasure.

His wife needed watching. His wife needed _him. _Berwald would be damned if anything could stop him from taking care of his wife.

* * *

><p>Feliks was having a good night.<p>

Contrary to Berwald's hypothesis, he was not nearly as drunk as he appeared. He needed to stay conscious because if Toris was going to fuck him tonight he was going to remember every single damn detail, exactly every damn inch of Toris' body. He had waited so long for this; alcohol was _not _going to fuck up his memory.

Feliks was beyond excited when Berwald carried Tino off like a knight in shining armor. Not only were his cute Nordics finally moving forward in their relationship, but he and Berwald were like _switching fucking rooms!_

What better opportunity to get with Toris was there? Like none!

Feliks had seriously had to bit his tongue at Toris' stuttered greeting and mangled compliment. Toris liked his ass! Damn straight. Bitch had a hot ass.

Feliks smiled serenely, more lovesick than drunk.

"Toris!" Feliks bounced over to his man, placing his chin on Toris' shoulder. "Torisss."

"Feliks?" Toris laughed, spinning around to address his friend. "How are you?"

"Not totally drunk." Feliks replied. "I'm sleeping with you tonight, after all." He said through heavy-lidded eyes.

"So you are." Toris rolled his eyes.

Feliks was slightly disheartened at Toris' brush off. "Can't be too drunk. Don't want to miss out on that."

Toris shrugged and resumed his conversation with Eduard and some giant hulking creepy guy. Feliks sighed.

He wandered away from Toris—after all, he was going home with the fool. Why not make Toris find him? Why not make him a bit jealous?

Feliks smirked, eyeing the potential around the room.

Before he could decide upon any course of action, an arm slung around Feliks' shoulders.

"Why the long face, ma petite?"

"Francis." Feliks laughed delightedly. Who better than to flirt with?

"Oui?"

"How do you like being a resident advisor?" Feliks asked, struggling for small talk as checked over his shoulder to see if Toris was watching him.

Francis raised his brows as he tugged Feliks towards the dance floor. "I think there are better uses for our mouths, ma chérie."

Feliks laughed.

Francis was a complete charmer. Feliks enjoyed dancing with him very much, so much so that his seduction of Toris was pushed to the back of his mind.

* * *

><p>Toris, on the other hand, was far more intoxicated than Berwald had guessed.<p>

He blinked at Ivan, who was grinning at him smugly.

"I win." Ivan replied.

"No way." Toris replied back, slurring his words horribly. "No _way._"

Ivan grinned cheekily. "You are so drunk you can barely stand."

"I can shtand. I shtand just fine." Toris shot back.

Eduard rolled his eyes and slid an arm under Toris to help keep the man upright. "You shouldn't participate in drinking contests with Russians. Especially if the drink used in the contest is vodka."

Toris pouted. "But I wash so close?"

"He outdrank you three shots to one." Eduard corrected. "It was not close."

"I won. I will claim my prize." A glint flared in Ivan's eyes as he studied the room. He waited patiently for the right moment.

Toris was shaking. What was the prize again? Honestly, he didn't remember. Ivan just said "drinking contest" and Toris had already been a little drunk and why the hell not?

And then Ivan was right in his face. Toris blinked suddenly, jerking back, but Ivan was holding his face.

The Russian smashed his lips to Toris', and Toris was too surprised to pull away.

* * *

><p>Feliks stared at Toris from across the room. Toris, who said that he would never kiss another man because he wasn't gay. Toris, who said that kissing Feliks was the only kind of man-kissing he would ever admit to. Toris, who was kissing a different man. Right. Over. There.<p>

Feliks gasped in pain. Because it was _painful._ He felt like his stomach had dropped so far in his belly that it was totally hanging out with his feet. He felt nauseous. Completely horrible.

And nothing else changed. Toris didn't push the guy away. Toris wasn't protesting. The sight was so devastating to Feliks, capturing his attention even in a room full of dozens of people doing dozens of things and a self-proclaimed awesome DJ who was blaring out awesome music.

Even over all the noise Feliks was pretty sure he could hear his heart shatter.

* * *

><p>AN: Oh, miscommunication. Love it.

I have some news! Good news for me: I'm going to Italy for a month! Bad news for you: I'm going to Italy for a month! (Yes, a month. I know. It's good stuff.)

Will I have internet? I have no idea. I also won't promise that I'll have updates rearing to go when I get back. If I want to write, I will.

However, this story is very fun. And it's set in Italy. So maybe I will be inspired? Let's go with that lol.

Thank you all very much for your support on this story! I appreciate every review/alert/fav! (will not lie, reviews are my favorite of the three) I want to apologize in advance because my review responses might be non-existant (or ridiculously belated) for this chapter. It really depends if I have internet or not.

I kind of feel mean, leaving this lietpol cliffhanger for a month. Oh well~


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven:** "The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself." -Voltaire

* * *

><p>Feliks wasn't particularly pleased with himself. He was curled up in one of the stalls in the first floor bathroom, sobbing into toilet paper. If that wasn't pathetic enough, he was in the <em>girls'<em> bathroom. Hiding.

He wasn't sure if anyone was even trying to find him. He wasn't sure if anyone even realized he was gone.

Feliks laugh-sobbed into his mess of tissues. Real life was _not _like his favorite soap operas. Toris had no idea that Feliks even saw the kiss. Toris probably had no recognition of the kiss! He was probably completely shitfaced and had no real control of his actions.

There would be no dramatic redemption. Toris would not realize the error of his ways and go on an epic quest for Feliks' love. There would be no frantic search party combing over the school grounds.

Toris wouldn't drop to his knees and apologize and Feliks wouldn't have to give a large public forgiveness speech.

There would be no happy ending.

Feliks pulled more toilet paper from the wall.

Toris said he wasn't interested in boys. It was a drunken accident, that kiss. Rational Feliks knew that. Irrational Feliks had been a dumb bitch. Really? Honestly, what was he expecting? Magical fairytale endings with gay fucking rainbows and humping unicorns? Feliks sighed and tossed his arm over his face.

He wasn't sure how long he spent wallowing in misery on the bathroom floor. At least it was a clean bathroom floor?

He didn't know what time it was and he honestly didn't care. Feliks didn't want to share a room with Toris anymore. He'd have to wait until morning to get back into his room. He wasn't so inconsiderate as to burst in on those Nordic lovers—he'd set them up for a _reason_. He was upset, yes, but not to the point of ruining his plans.

He much preferred to lie on his back on the cold orange tile of the bathroom floor and stare up at the ceiling for ridiculously long periods of time. Ceilings in Italy were very pretty—lots of arches and frescos and this particular ceiling was in a _bathroom _and was really not so interesting at all but much better to focus on then to let his thoughts drift towards he-who-shall-not-be-named…

"'Ello?"

Feliks froze.

"I know you are here. Why else would the light be on, hmm?"

Feliks cringed. He pushed himself up to a seated position and grabbed some more toilet paper to wipe off his face.

He heard a knock on his stall door, and then Francis' head was peeking under the door.

"What are you doing—ah." Feliks knew he look like a hot mess. "Mon cher, what's wrong?"

"Do I look like I want to talk about it?" Feliks snapped, wiping his face with his hands and trying to avoid another onslaught of tears.

"No need to be testy." Francis replied. "But I am doing rounds and it is far too late to be hiding in the toilet."

"What time is it?" Feliks mumbled.

"It's three-thirty."

"Like, in the morning?"

"Oui."

"Really?"

"Oui."

"Oh." Feliks stared at the floor. "Can't I just stay here until like… morning?"

"Open the stall."

Feliks blinked and unlocked the hatch. Francis walked in and sat down next to Feliks.

"There is something wrong here." Francis remarked. "You switched rooms with the Swede for tonight—"

"How do you know that?"

"I am the RA." Francis was amused. "I know all. Toris upset you?"

"Maybe."

"He was making out with a Russian."

"I don't want to talk about that."

"I see. He looked like he regret it, if that makes it easier."

"What about 'I don't want to talk about it' did you not understand?" Feliks replied sharply, glaring at the other blonde.

Francis just smiled. "I have another bed in my room. Just for tonight, mon petit?"

Feliks sighed. Sleep was a totally good idea. "Okay."

* * *

><p>Tino slowly brought awareness to his awakening body. He wiggled his fingers and his toes and let his mind wander. He could remember most of last night, probably because Berwald made him switch to water so early. He didn't know whether to be grateful or embarrassed.<p>

He didn't seem to have a hangover, though. Grateful it was, Tino decided. He yawned and stretched, and then he opened his eyes.

Only to be met with Berwald's stare.

"_Jesus Christ!_" Tino shrieked, slamming his back against the wall and rocking his lofted bed.

Berwald placed a hand on the bed to steady it. "Morning."

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Feliks and I switched."

"What? Why?"

Berwald shrugged.

Tino groaned and let his head hang.

Immediately recognizing the onset of a hangover, Berwald grabbed a trash bag that he'd spotted the night before.

"Here." Berwald said, holding the bag in Tino's direction.

"I'm not hung over." Tino replied, eyeing the bag wearily.

Berwald frowned and waved the bag.

"I don't want the damn trash bag."

Berwald narrowed his eyes. Tino huffed and grabbed the bag from Berwald's outstretched hand.

"It's too fucking early for this." _For you _went unspoken.

"Mm." Berwald ignored Tino and searched around the room for—ah, there!

"Take these." Berwald dropped two aspirin and a vitamin on Tino's pillow. Then he turned around to get Tino a glass of water.

"I'm not hung over." Tino said angrily. "I don't need any damn pills."

"Precaution." Berwald said as he presented Tino with the water.

Tino rolled his eyes and took the water. And poured it on Berwald's head.

Berwald's eyes widened in shock.

"Oops." Tino said, deadpanned. "I seem to have spilled my water."

Berwald spun on his heel and took a pink towel from the other side of the room. He sat on the pink futon and began to towel his head.

Tino laid back down on his comfy bed, but not before pushing the vitamin and aspirin off the side of his mattress.

Berwald heard the clattering of pills, but decided he'd done enough.

He finished toweling his hair dry and then checked on his wife. Tino was glaring at him sleepily. It was cute. Berwald smiled and Tino returned the greeting by sticking out his tongue and rolling around to face the wall.

Berwald frowned. He realized a few minutes later that he was sulking. After all, Tino had poured _water on his head._

Then he realized something. Something that made total, complete sense. Why hadn't he thought of it before?

His wife was not a morning person.

What if Berwald had accidently woken Tino up? After all, it was around seven thirty. Perhaps Tino was unaccustomed to the early hours of the day. That would explain Tino's aggressive behavior. Berwald was simply the easiest outlet for venting his early morning frustrations.

Berwald was a man. He could take that kind of pounding. If Tino was pissy first thing in the morning, so be it. Berwald would go out of his way to make Tino's mornings the most wonderful time of his day. Tino would be pleased.

But where to find advice? Berwald recognized that his education on certain social matters was usually lacking. He wouldn't allow that lack of knowledge to dampen Tino's mornings.

Amazingly, Feliks seemed to have books and books on the subject of pleasing your man.

Berwald picked up the literature with interest. It looked like it would have some very valuable articles.

* * *

><p>Tino dozed off for awhile, and he woke up to an instant realization.<p>

He sat up straight in bed and glared down at Berwald.

Berwald was still on the futon, towel curled around his neck. He was absorbed in Feliks' issue of Cosmopolitan.

"Berwald." Tino ground out. "Why. The. _Fuck._ Are. My. Clothes. _Different?"_

"Oh. That."

"_Yes fucking that!_" Tino screeched. "Did you touch me while I was sleeping?"

"Yes." Berwald admitted unabashedly. "You were uncomfortable."

"So? _So? _You don't fucking… fuck!"

Berwald decided that such an incoherent statement did not deserve a response.

"You don't fuck with sleeping people! I mean, not like fucking fuck but you don't fucking _mess _with sleeping people!" Tino explained heatedly. "You are so fucking creepy!"

"Mm." Berwald continued with his article, _How to Make Morning Sex Extra Hot. _

"You changed my fucking _underwear!_" Tino hissed. "You're a fucking _pervert!_"

Berwald blinked at the accusation, but didn't look up from the article. "You asked me to."

Tino froze. "I did not."

"Did."

"Did not."

"Did."

"DID NOT!"

"Said it was uncomfortable. You wanted to take it all off."

Tino blushed as the memory rolled through his head. "Okay, maybe I did."

"Nothing a guy hasn't seen before." Berwald continued.

"You took off my _underwear._" Tino whispered, face becoming pale. "You've seen me naked…!"

"Why did your underwear have no back?"

"A man thong." Tino's pale face flushed deep red. "It covers everything but still has no butt."

"I see."

"I blame Feliks! It's his fault. He coerced me!"

"Mm."

"I still can't believe you've seen me naked." Tino groaned. "This is the worst day of my life."

"If you want," Berwald flipped a page nonchalantly, "I'll strip so you can see me naked and we'll be even."

Tino blinked. Berwald raised his eyebrows suggestively.

Tino tossed his pillow at him. "NO."

The two sat in silence for a few moments, Tino blushing furiously and Berwald very amused.

"Berwald."

"Wife?"

"Not your fucking—hell. I'm just going to ignore it." Tino took a deep breath in an attempt to relax. "Just wanted to tell you to leave now."

"Hmm?"

"You know." Tino gestured at the door. "I'm awake and okay and I don't need you here anymore."

Tino was completely surprised to see Berwald _smile._

"Okay, wife. Have a nice morning. Can I bring you breakfast?"

"Um, I'm not hungry right now." Tino replied, eyeing Berwald curiously. He hadn't expected it to be so easy. "But thanks."

Berwald nodded at his wife and then left room 311. Tino watched him go, slightly bewildered.

What Tino didn't know was that Berwald was an excellent listener. He walked back down the hallway towards his room with a very small smile on his face.

I don't need you _anymore_, Tino had said. _Anymore._ As in, Berwald had made the right decision to stay the night before. Tino must have subconsciously recognized that or he never would have said such a thing.

Such a very small thing that would keep Berwald's spirits lifted for an entire day if not week.

He would win over Tino yet!

* * *

><p>AN: Short, but I promised myself I'd post something by today. It's been a ridiculously long time. It was harder to get myself to sit down to write than it was just to write.

Italy was fantastic. Beautiful. Loved it. Now I want to go to Helsinki for a semester (for reasons beyond Hetalia, thank you!) so if you have any advice please let me know.

Thank you thank you to everyone that reviewed while I was gone! I loved coming back and reading all the love. Thanks for the support! I've decided to let review responses go for chapter 6, but they will begin again for this chapter. I wanted to get this chapter out more than I wanted to reply!

A quick note: Denmark's name will stay the same until he gets an official one. He's not a big character (sorry) and if he is mentioned it will be as Mikkel from now on anyway. Thanks for the info though!


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight: "**A man with money is no match against a man on a mission." Doyle Brunson

* * *

><p>Berwald was a man on a mission.<p>

Toris wasn't even awake yet, which was completely unsurprisingly, Berwald realized. Since they'd been here, Berwald had been up and about hours before Toris stirred.

But it was eight thirty in the morning. Berwald was clean from his shower, full from breakfast, and he was rearing to go. He had a wife to please, after all.

But because Berwald was very considerate, he left a note to inform Toris of his whereabouts. Berwald didn't want Toris to be concerned, especially because the stink of alcohol in their room suggested Toris had a very busy night.

_Toris-_

_I went out._

_ Sincerely,_

_ Berwald_

Satisfied with his note, Berwald left.

* * *

><p>He'd kept the issue of Cosmopolitan. Berwald hoped Feliks wouldn't mind, but such an educational periodic publication of dating information should not go to waste. Feliks was successful with men plenty enough. He would encourage Berwald's mission, and thus Berwald felt no guilt in borrowing his important pleasing-your-man literature.<p>

There was one piece of priceless information in this particular magazine. One that Berwald _knew _would convince Tino to marry him. One fantastic list entitled "Things to Do for Your Sweetheart."

Tino was obviously Berwald's sweetheart, and Berwald was a failure as a husband because he had yet to provide the services listed. How could he have missed this? This was what he was missing!

This list—this _courting _process…! It was the missing key. He could be so obtuse sometimes. How had he missed this?

It was embarrassing, to say the least. No wonder Tino didn't acknowledge him. Berwald hadn't been following the standard courtship procedure! No one wanted to marry an embarrassment.

But all that was about to change. Berwald eagerly thumbed through Cosmo to find his new Bible.

Tino did not stand a chance. Berwald almost felt giddy. It was a very odd feeling.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Mission One.<strong>_

_Step One: Buy some candy._

Berwald approached the 99-cent store with hesitancy. Sure, the grocery store had plenty to choose from, and there were a few Lindt stores around Italy that he was sure had delicious chocolate, but he was trying to find something specific. He knew his Finn. Finns like licorice. Therefore, he needed to find Licorice.

The 99-cent store had gummies. Lots and lots of gummies: gummy dinosaurs, gummy sour neon night crawlers? Why not call them worms, Berwald wondered. Were Italians truly more likely to buy neon night crawlers than gummy worms? Berwald wasn't sure if he wanted to know.

He walked up to the yawning man behind the register.

"I need licorice."

The storekeeper shrugged and pointed back to the candy rack at the entrance of the store that Berwald had been perusing.

"Licorice." Berwald repeated.

"If it's not there, we don't have it." The man said, slumping down to rest his head on his hand as he leaned over the check out counter. "Sorry."

Berwald frowned. Perhaps this would be more difficult than he anticipated.

And then he realized something—of _course _it would be. The courtship procedure would test his strength and diligence and devotion as a husband. How far would Berwald go to get licorice? Berwald clenched his fists.

He would go _To. The. End._

Fortunately, he only had to wander around town for about forty minutes until he discovered a candy bar that opened at ten. It sold fruit and gummies (what was with all the gummies?), but most importantly it had long, tube-like flavored candy strings.

"Do you have licorice?" Berwald asked.

"Yes! Do you want some?" The man gestured to the black strings stacked at the end of the display. "They have licorice cream on the inside. They cost—"

"I want all of them."

"…" Berwald was met with a blank look. "Are you sure—"

"Yes."

"Um, okay. If that's what you want… Don't you want to try other flavors…?"

"No."

"Green apple or blue raspberry…?"

"No."

The man stared at his display, a bit forlornly. "All of them?"

"Yes."

The Italian man sighed. He walked to the end of his booth, scooped up the licorice and weighed them.

"2 kilograms!"

"How much?"

"2 kilograms!"

"No, the cost."

"…50 euros."

Berwald handed over the bill with a blank face. The man took it and passed Berwald his candy with a look of slight fear. "Don't eat it all at once, you'll get sick."

"Not for me."

"…Oh." The man looked relieved. "That's goo—"

"It's for my wife. He likes it." Berwald turned on his heel and walked off with two bags full of winded licorice ropes, leaving a confused and frightened man in his wake.

* * *

><p><em>Step Two: Make "cute love notes" to go with the candy. <em>

He dropped by the 99-cent store on the way back to his dorm. Berwald picked up some white paper, crayons, a spool of red ribbon, and pink spray glitter. The cashier raised a brow, but didn't comment on Berwald's purchases.

Once back in his apartment, he cleared his desk and began to work. He pulled out his scissors and cut the white paper into smaller increments.

Judging from the length of the rope, he probably had enough to make thirty separate pieces. So Berwald made thirty small pieces of paper.

Berwald pulled a red crayon from his new pack of ten and stared at the paper determinedly. Thirty sweet messages to Tino. He could do it.

He started jotting random thoughts down.

_ I like your hair._

_ You have a nice smile._

_ Your hat is cute._

He did that for maybe…five slips of paper. Then Berwald ran out of ideas. So he decided to use Google to find nice things to say.

_Apart from being sexy, what do you do in your spare time?_

_ You have nice legs. What time do they open?_

_ I'm a raindrop and I'm falling for you._

Using the internet made the process very simple. After he finished, he switched from focusing on paper to the candy. He sectioned off a length of the licorice rope and pulled it apart. Then he made a heart out of the licorice shape. He used his hole puncher to make a single hole in the end of one of his small papers, and slipped a short piece of the ribbon through. Then he tied to note to the licorice.

Because licorice could be sticky and Italy was hot (would they melt? Berwald didn't know!), he used small individual plastic bags to contain each heart it. Well, Toris' bags. Berwald decided to borrow thirty of them. Toris would understand—it was for _Tino._

Satisfied with his licorice hearts, he stuffed them all back into the two plastic bags they came in and sent Feliks a text message.

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 10:34 AM]**

**I need access to your dorm.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 10:40 AM]_

_ Wat now? its like… b4 noon. _

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 10:42 AM]**

** It's for Tino. Urgent. **

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 10:45 AM]_

_ K fine gimme til 11 n ill meet u in frt of the door_

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 10:46 AM]**

** Thank you.**

* * *

><p><em>Step Three: Hide love notes and candy where you know your sweetheart will find them.<em>

Berwald nodded appreciatively at Feliks who looked like he'd been through a rough night.

Berwald decided not to comment. Feliks was being very kind and for some reason had not stayed in Berwald's room last night. Berwald wasn't sure why, but he wasn't going to question Feliks' kindness.

Feliks poked his head in. "Tino's not here. Probably went to breakfast." The shorter man pushed the door all the way in and walked inside, leaving it wide open for Berwald. He walked in with his two bags.

Feliks eyed them curiously, but decided not to ask. "I'm going to go take a shower. I'll lock you in here, okay? And that should give you enough time to do whatever it is you Swedish people do in other people's dorms." Feliks sighed.

"Hiding presents."

"Don't even care, Berwald." Feliks said shortly. Then he sighed. "Sorry, hon. Not in a good mood this morning." Feliks ran a hand through his hair. "Fortunately I have stress relief shampoo."

Berwald blinked. "It works?"

"Placebo, mostly." Feliks grabbed his stuff, and made a face. "My towel is wet?"

"Sorry."

"I don't want to know what you two were up to last night!" Feliks chided with a growing smile on his face. "Will this wash out?"

"S'only water." Berwald blushed.

"Suuure." Feliks teased, spirits slightly lifted. "Maybe I do want to know what was happening…"

"Nothing." Berwald said.

"Now I don't believe you." Feliks grinned. "I'll grill Tino." He dropped the old towel in his pink hamper and pulled a clean one from his closet. "I'll be back in twenty minutes, maybe?"

Berwald nodded in thanks. Once Feliks was gone, Berwald went about methodically placing candy in conspicuous places: on top of Tino's laptop, under his pillow, next to Hanatamago.

After all the hearts were hidden, Berwald waited for Feliks to get back on knock on the door.

"Hope you didn't wait too long." Feliks smiled, looking much better than he did earlier. "I like hot showers."

Berwald raised a brow and Feliks laughed. "Those kind too, you perv! Now get out of here!"

Berwald thanked Feliks again and disappeared back into his dorm to plan his next mission.

**Mission One: Completed!**

* * *

><p>Tino got back from breakfast at noon.<p>

"Hey Feliks. Sorry about last night." Tino said apologetically.

"What about last night?" Feliks replied, peering over the edge of his laptop (pink case, of course!)

"Well, you had to leave and—"

"That was my decision. My dumb decision." Feliks rolled his eyes. "But it worked out well for you and our resident hunky Swede, right?"

Tino flushed. "I'm not saying anything."

"C'mon, he was here all night! And you were pretty drunk when I saw you last! You were sitting in his lap."

Tino ignored Feliks' teasing and instead reached for his laptop. To his surprise, there was a wrapped licorice heart on top of it.

"…What the hell?"

"Hmm?"

Tino picked up the bag and eyed it, flabbergasted. "I cannot believe him."

"What'd the hunky Swede do now?"

"He gave me _candy!_"

Feliks rolled his eyes. "God forbid an admirer give you _candy._" He said sarcastically.

"It's not that, it's licorice. I mean, I love licorice, but… oh my God." Tino paused for a moment and then continued. "He wrote a note!"

"What's it say?"

"_If you gave me a cent for my thoughts I'd have just one cent because I only think about one thing and that's you_."

"Oh God. That's pretty bad."

Tino stared at the heart in his hand and then studied his room. "Devil. How many of these things did he stash in here?"

Feliks shrugged.

Tino searched his room thoroughly and came up with what he believed to be a ridiculously amount of licorice. Not that he was complaining.

"_What do you like for breakfast?_ Really, Berwald. _Your ass is fine. Want to see mine?_ You can_not _be serious. These are so corny!" Tino laughed in between bites of candy. "I can't believe him. Is this meant to be a joke or what? I mean, the candy is great but the notes are such utter _bullshit!_"

"Romantic bullshit." Feliks replied. "After all, not every man tells you you're sexier than socks on a rooster."

"Where the hell did he come up with that one?" Tino chuckled as he munched on his licorice. "I mean, seriously." Tino flipped through a few more packages and stopped at one note.

Feliks heard his quick intake of breath. "What's up?"

"He gave me his number." Tino said. "No corny line, just his number."

Feliks grinned. "He's trying to pick you up. Is it working?"

Tino stared at his licorice. "Unfortunately."

* * *

><p>AN: I like the idea of Berwald dressed up as a movie secret agent going out on missions and the like. And he's making progress with Tino. Finally.

Thanks for all the reviews, favs, alerts! (Ps... If all you alerters reviewed too, we could break 200. Just sayin'. ;D ) Thanks for reading! Hoped you liked this chapter. (I bet you liked how fast it was, huh?)


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine:** "Love is like handing someone a gun, having them point it at your heart, and trusting them to never pull the trigger." Michael Gardner

* * *

><p><em>[Received: Tues 18 Aug 2:56 PM]<em>

_Hi_

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:00 PM]**

**Who is this.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:02 PM]_

_You're the one that gave me your #! _

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:03 PM]**

**Tino?**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:05 PM]_

_Yes, it's Tino. Hi._

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:05 PM]**

**Hi.**

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:06 PM]**

**Are those space pants your wearing because your butt is out of this world. **

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:10 PM]_

_Stop that. Do you even know what a pick up line is?_

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:11 PM]**

**When was the last time you did it in a sleigh.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:13 PM]_

_You are ridiculous. It's too cold to do it in a sleigh._

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:16 PM]**

**Not in Italy.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:18 PM]_

_That doesn't matter because Italy doesn't have any sleighs._

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:20 PM]**

**They have horse drawn carriages. We can pretend.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:21 PM]_

_No, Berwald._

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:22 PM]**

**You are what I want for Christmas.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:23 PM]_

_Good luck with that. You're on the naughty list!_

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:34 PM]**

**You're on my naughty list.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:36 PM]_

… _Really? _

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:37 PM]**

**I just made it now so you can be on it.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:38 PM]_

_Thank you?_

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:39 PM]**

**I've got something special in the sack for you.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:40 PM]_

_ENOUGH INNUENDO! It's not even close to Christmas!_

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:41 PM]**

**Arrrrr you free this Friday night?**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:42 PM]_

_Arrrr you serious? And who wants to know?_

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:43 PM]**

**I want to know. **

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:44 PM]_

_Let's say I am. Hypothetically._

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:45 PM]**

**I don't want hypothetically. **

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:46 PM]_

_Fine. Then no._

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:47 PM]**

**I should cancel the reservations.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:49 PM]_

_You made reservations before you even ask—of course you did. Where did you get reservations?_

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:50 PM]**

**A place I want to go with you.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:52 PM]_

_Is it a fancy place?_

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:53 PM]**

**Yes.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 3:54 PM]_

_Okay. Fine. One dinner, okay? Just this once. _

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 3:55 PM]**

**I'll come down to your room at 6:45.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 4:00 PM]_

_Okay. I'll see you then._

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 4:01 PM]**

**I'll see you before then. We live on the same hall.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 4:03 PM]_

_How could I forget?_

**Messages: New Number. Add as contact? **_Yes._

**Enter New Contact Name: **_Wife_

Berwald gazed at his phone forlornly.

"Toris?"

The other man blinked and looked up from his laptop. "Yeah?"

"If you had a dinner date in Italy, where would you go?"

"Uh, a restaurant?"

"Yes. Any recommendations?"

"Berwald," Toris sighed, closing his laptop and clasping his hands, "we've been here about five days. Do you think I've been anywhere fancy to eat in those past five days?"

Berwald shrugged.

"The answer is no. I don't know of any restaurants."

Berwald nodded and pulled out his phone. When in doubt, Google. He spent a few minutes flipping through restaurant reviews, trying to find a place that was nice but not too nice. He wanted a comfortable atmosphere, one that would relax Tino. Too fancy might wind him up. He might feel out of place. Tino was a bit high strung.

He would never be out of place, though. Tino was the most beautiful person in the entire world.

Berwald finally found one restaurant that looked nice and decided it was the winner.

"_Ciao, this is La Bussola in Firenze, can I help you?" _

"I want a reservation for two. This Friday. At seven ten."

"Uh, okay. Name?"

"Oxenstierna."

"Okay, grazie! See you Friday!"

"Mm."

Berwald snapped his phone shut with a happy sigh. Reservations complete. There was item nine off his list.

He reached over the side of his bed and pulled of the now well-worn issue of Cosmo. He had the page bookmarked with a sticky so it was easier to find (even though he already had the page number memorized). He used a pen to scratch out the number nine. He eyed the list with satisfaction: there were twenty-one items, and he had completed two of the tasks. Well, almost two. Nine was in-progress.

Berwald decided to see what else he could get started on.

Number ten was easy enough—he could do it and number nine at the same time. In fact, giving Tino flowers for no reason seemed like an excellent idea.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Mission Two<strong>_

_Step One: Figure Out What Kind of Flower Tino Likes_

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 4:18 PM]**

**What kind of flowers do you like.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 5:00 PM]_

_I don't give a damn._

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 5:01 PM]**

**What about red roses. They mean love.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 5:04 PM]_

_What about not?_

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 5:06 PM]**

**What about yellow roses. They mean friendship.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 5:08 PM]_

_What kind of flower means "fucking stalker?"_

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 5:10 PM]**

**Alstroemeria for Devotion. White Camilla for perfect loveliness. Heliotrope for devotion and faithfulness. **

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 5:12 PM]**

**Jonquil for "I desire a return of affection."**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 5:15 PM]_

_Striped carnations for refusal. Rhododendron for beware._

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 5:22 PM]**

**Hydrangea for perserverance.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 5:21 PM]_

_Heather for solitude._

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 5:20 PM]**

**Holly for domestic happiness.**

_[Received: Tues 18 Aug 5:25 PM]_

_Snapdragon for presumptuous. _

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 5:37 PM]**

**Red tulips it is.**

_**[Received: Tues 18 Aug 5:40 PM]**_

_**Hey hey hey Berwaldo! Gorgeous Feliks here. Stephanotis for good luck! :P ;) :D**_

_**PS- wut's red 2lips mean?**_

**[Sent: Tues 18 Aug 5:42 PM]**

**Declaration of love.**

* * *

><p><em>Step Two: Obtain those Flowers <em>

Technically, class had started. Meaning that Wednesday, August 19th was the first day of class.

Berwald should have been in class at the moment, but he couldn't wait until after class to place his order. Tino was more important than school.

A smiling Italian woman greeted him at the flower stall in the market. He stared back and grunted in greeting.

"You want flowers, si?" She asked, obviously not speaking English very well. That was okay with Berwald.

"Red tulips." He said. "Red. Tulips. As many as you have."

"Red tulips." She repeated, mulling something over in her head. She held up a finger and turned to face her display. Berwald watched as she rooted through rows of flowers.

"Ah!" He heard after a few minutes of waiting. She came back with a satisfactory amount of red tulips. Berwald was very pleased.

"25 euros."

He paid and nodded his thanks and left the stall with an armful of flowers tucked under his arm.

* * *

><p><em>Step Three: Give Tino those Flowers<em>

The tulips came with a little packet full of instructions on their care. Unfortunately, the directions were in Italian. Berwald didn't speak Italian. He glared at the words, as if intimidating them somehow would cause their meaning to jump out of the page.

That method was ineffective. So Berwald did what any smart man would do—phone a friend.

**[Sent: Wed 19 Aug 10:30 AM]**

**I need to speak with Feliciano.**

_[Received: Wed 19 Aug 10:32 AM]_

_Why are you texting in class?_

**[Sent: Wed 19 Aug 10:33 AM]**

**I'm not in class.**

_[Received: Wed 19 Aug 10:34 AM]_

_What do you mean you aren't you in class? I should report you._

**[Sent: Wed 19 Aug 10:35 AM]**

**I could report you for texting in class.**

_[Received: Wed 19 Aug 10:45 AM]_

_Scheiße. Meet us at 12 for lunch. _

**[Sent: Wed 19 Aug 10:48 AM]**

**Thanks, Ludwig.**

_[Received: Wed 19 Aug 10:50 AM]_

_Go to fucking class._

* * *

><p><em>Step Three<em>

_Side Mission A: Obtain Translation of Flower Care Manual_

"Ve…?" Feliciano stared at Berwald blankly.

Berwald thought he had been very clear.

"Translate." He repeated, holding the instructions in front of Feliciano's face. "Please."

"Translate to what?" Feliciano replied, taking the instructions and opening them. He glanced at the contents. "This is for flower care."

Berwald grunted in approval, wondering how the Italian had missed the bouquet tucked under his arm.

"It says to water them! And to love them! And to sing to them! And to paint pictures of them!" Feliciano closed the instruction manual with a smile. "I think loving them is the most important part."

Berwald blinked. Ludwig pressed a hand to his forehead.

"Feliciano, read the instructions." Ludwig intoned.

"Okay." He said, opening the manual. "Step one, give them pasta~!"

"That's not what it says!" Ludwig snapped. "Can't you read your own language?"

"It _should _be step one, Luddy! Everybody loves pasta!"

"Plants. don't. like. pasta!"

"I don't know." Feliciano said pensively. "Have you ever asked one?"

Ludwig hefted a sigh of defeat.

Berwald decided that these were the types of discussions that he wanted to avoid from now on.

"Thanks for your help." He said, picking up the manual. "I'll give them pasta."

"Really? Oh, tell me if they like it!" Feliciano chirped.

"I will do so." Berwald replied as he walked away.

* * *

><p><em>Step Three Continued<em>

_Additional Notes: Google is effective Translator. Real translators are a hassle._

Berwald prepared the flowers correctly with the help of Google, and he knew from stalking Tino's stuff the night he spent in his dorm room that Tino's last class let out at about five in the afternoon.

Berwald stood outside the classroom door, bouquet in hand. He waited very patiently for the class to end.

When students finally began exiting the classroom, Berwald snapped to attention. He saw Tino exit with that potential sexual predator he'd been talking to the other day. Berwald decided to interrupt just to reinforce the fact that Tino was taken.

He approached the duo with gusto. Tino looked up at him, slightly startled, and blushed furiously when the bouquet was presented in front of his face.

"Um, thanks Berwald." Tino said, "but I can't take these right now."

Berwald froze. "…what."

"I'm going to gun club." Tino explained. "I'd have to leave them on the ground or something. I don't want them to wilt."

Berwald's eyes narrowed in thought. "I'll come."

It was Tino's turn to freeze. "What."

"I'll go to gun club and hold your flowers."

Tino stared at Berwald. "You… you are fucked up in the head."

"I really like you."

"Uh-huh." Tino switched his bag from his right shoulder to his left, eyeing Berwald critically. "Right."

"You're the most beautiful man in the world. Plus, you have very nice hair. And you have space pants."

Tino cracked a smile. "Fine then. Come on. You can hold my bag, too."

"Okay."

* * *

><p>Gun club was slightly boring.<p>

Berwald stood in the back of a wooden open-air shelter facing a shooting range. Tino had given him a pair of earplugs and told him to keep them in. He watched Tino slide his own earplugs in, and then pull his rifle from a storage facility.

Berwald raised his brows at the weapon.

Tino shrugged. "I like rifles."

Berwald might have thought of the sport of shooting was boring, but watching Tino shoot was fantastic.

His small frame handled the gun with obvious familiarity. Tino loaded in a round of bullets and let loose at a string of beer cans across the range.

Berwald didn't watch to see if the cans fell. He was too busy memorizing Tino's cute expression of concentration.

Tino smirked and pulled back from where he was positioned.

"Hit 'em all." He said cheerfully. "That's just 200 meters away, though. My record is three and a half kilometers."

"Three and a half kilometers." Berwald repeated, impressed. "Three and a half."

Tino smirked. "Sniper, remember?"

Berwald nodded. "Three and a half is good."

Tino laughed. "I'm pretty proud of it. I'd like to get to five, though."

"Five kilometers?"

"Yeah. It's hard to practice sniping in the city. We've only done one sniping trip so far. I mean, we've only been here a few days. We drove for a while Sunday morning to a spot in the countryside. I think Vash has set up another trip not this Saturday, but the one after."

"Mm."

"I beat Vash in distance, though." Tino grinned.

"Proud of you." Berwald replied, a fond smile on his face. "Can't shoot a gun tp save my life."

"I'll save your life." Tino replied absentmindedly. And then he realized who he was talking to. "I mean, if the situation ever arises where that kind of action is necessary but it's honestly not like we're going to be going to war together or something silly like that. That's ridiculous. It was just a saying."

"Mmhmm." Berwald didn't believe it for a second. "D'you like your flowers?"

Tino sighed, slinging his rifle behind his back and gazing at the flowers in Berwald's hand. "I guess so. I didn't need them, though."

"I know."

"You don't need to keep buying me stuff. The licorice was great, though." Tino added.

"Good."

"But honestly, this entire thing is a complete waste of your time."

"Okay."

"You could be doing something else right now. But no, you're standing in a shooting range, holding flowers, when you could be—"

"Wife," Berwald interrupted, "it's my choice."

"Yeah. Okay, it is. But it's such a _bad _choice." Tino argued. "And I'm not your wife."

Berwald couldn't help it. He chuckled.

"Wrong." He replied. "It's the best choice I've ever made. Wife."

Tino made a face. "You're fucking sappy."

Berwald shrugged, watching Tino return to his post with a content smile on his face.

* * *

><p>AN: IMPORTANT: I have a livejournal now! I have the same name (xglass). Add me! :D That's where I'll be posting drabbles and my kink meme de-anons. (just found the kink meme; it's pretty great.) I feel weird posting short, odd crack things on this site. I feel like it's for longer stories that have more plot.

Right now I've got sufin porn on there. Just so you know. You might want to go look just for that!

Don't worry, I'll still be posting here. And I'll still be replying here, too! I really like those userpic things.

Thanks for all the reviews, alerts, and favs! Makes me feel awesome, guys. ;D (not as awesome as Tino's sniper skills. 3.5 km? Get it, you badass nation you.)


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: "**Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it." Lyndon B. Johnson

* * *

><p>The next day Berwald decided it would be a good idea to go to class.<p>

He sat through them patiently, but he was very distracted by thoughts of the next evening.

He had a date. Not only did he have a date, it was a date with _Tino._

School had never been less appealing.

Berwald honestly did not know much about dating. It was an integral part of the courtship ritual (as in, a lot of the steps required one to be dating the recipient before initiating said action.) Therefore, this dating was serious business.

He resolved to do more research after his classes had ended for the day. For now, it would be prudent to pay attention. He needed to graduate to get a job, and he needed a job to provide for Tino and his future children.

* * *

><p>As soon as his classes ended, Berwald was making excellent use of Google.<p>

He searched for "How to Get a Wife" as he walked from his building back to his dormitory.

It was very disappointing because it seemed there was no step-by-step process for him to follow.

It asked him to consider what he wanted, first. Did he really want a wife? Or did he want a casual relationship?

He did want a wife. Desperately. Why else would he have Googled that particular phrase? This particular article was very annoying. How could he not want Tino as his wife? Tino was perfect.

The site was very curious, almost invasive: was he willing to actually commit to someone for the rest of his life? Yes, of course he was. For Tino, he'd do anything.

Did he want a sex partner? He was eighteen! Of course he did! Tino, specifically.

Did he simply want an occasional sex friend? No. He and Tino would have sex _every _night. More than once, maybe. "Occasional," really?

It asked him to define "marriage." What did marriage mean to him?

Berwald blinked and lowered his phone. He supposed he could see the use in a definition. If two people had different definitions of the same word, it could definitely cause problems.

Marriage to Berwald… an image of his parents immediately came to mind. Their relationship was very pleasant. They lived and laughed together, and most importantly enjoyed spending time together. They were life partners—they didn't do _everything _together, but they were an integral part of each other's lives. They were in love—had been in love for years.

Berwald remembered his mamma telling him about the difference between "passionate" love and "companionship" love.

At the beginning of a relationship, one was swept away by their beloved. Berwald felt he was in this phase. Tino was the most amazing person in the world—he could do no wrong. (However, the Tino's reluctance was very annoying, even if it was sometimes cute.) This phase Berwald's mamma would call the "passionate" love phase.

Eventually, the passion would fade. It wouldn't—shouldn't—_disappear, _but companionship love gradually took its place. Companionship love was different than passionate love because it simply wasn't as life-consuming. People assumed they had "fallen out" of love, but the passion had just faded. It was a stronger bond than passionate love, because the two people involved almost _needed _one another. Love became routine and normal—it was very healthy, but could become stagnant.

And so Berwald's mamma gave him a very interesting talk about sexual activities to reestablish and replenish and revitalize a relationship's passion.

Berwald had very many ideas he wished to try with Tino.

Marriage to Berwald was a permanent thing; he wanted a life companion whom he loved with all his heart. In other words, he wanted Tino.

Berwald rolled his eyes at the next question: _who do you want as a wife?_ Tino. Obviously.

Tino was perfect. Almost unreal. He was honest, kind, educated. He was open-minded. He was a great listener.

He was timid, but Berwald found it cute. He also found Tino's nervous chattering quite adorably endearing.

But were Tino's lifelong goals compatible with Berwald's own? Berwald blinked. He honestly had no idea what Tino wanted to do with his life. What was Tino's major, again?

Did Tino want children? Berwald really liked children. If Tino didn't want children…

Berwald sighed. Perhaps there was more to being married than he realized.

He had faith—Tino was his perfect partner so far, and Berwald prayed to whatever God that might exist that he'd continue to be. Berwald didn't know what he'd do if he and Tino weren't right for one another because Berwald had never loved someone so much in his entire life.

He stared at his phone, an unpleasant feeling building up in his stomach. He decided to get it over with.

**[Sent: Thurs 20 Aug 6:20 PM]**

**Do you want kids.**

_[Received: Thurs 20 Aug 6:27 PM]_

_Berwald, really?_

**[Sent: Thus 20 Aug 6:30 PM]**

**This is important.**

_[Received: Thurs 20 Aug 6:34 PM]_

_I'm eighteen, Berwald. We're eighteen. We've got time._

**[Sent: Thurs 20 Aug 6:36 PM]**

**So you aren't opposed to the idea.**

_[Received: Thurs 20 Aug 6:38 PM]_

_I'm not opposed, but I don't want kids right now! How can you even ask? I don't even know what I want to do with my life! Don't expect me to know what to do with some poor child's. If, Berwald, IF we ever are in that situation, we'll decide when we're older. _

**[Sent: Thurs 20 Aug 6:40 PM]**

**What if you change your mind.**

_[Received: Thurs 20 Aug 6:43 PM]_

_Shouldn't you be more worried about something else? Like, winning me over at dinner? You have to actually make me want to date you before we ever have kids together._

_[Received: Thurs 20 Aug 6:43 PM]_

_And by have kids I mean adopt. _

_[Received: Thurs 20 Aug 6:44 PM]_

_This is all HYPOTHETICAL btw. IF, Berwald. IFFFF. _

**[Sent: Thurs 20 Aug 6:45 PM]**

**Will you marry me.**

_[Received: Thurs 20 Aug 6:47 PM]_

_Not if you ask by text message! Come on!_

**[Sent: Thurs 20 Aug 6:48 PM]**

**I wondered if you were just too shy to say yes in person.**

_[Received: Thurs 20 Aug 6:50 PM]_

_NO. If I were to accept a proposal, it would have to be made IN PERSON. _

**[Sent: Thurs 20 Aug 6:51 PM] **

**That's good to know.**

_[Received: Thurs 20 Aug 6:53 PM]_

_IF. IFFFFF. HYPOTHETICAL IF._

**[Sent: Thurs 20 Aug 6:54 PM]**

**You're cute when you capslock.**

_[Received: Thurs 20 Aug 6:55 PM]_

_You drive me crazy._

**[Sent: Thurs 20 Aug 6:58 PM]**

**I'll pick you up at 6:45 tomorrow. **

**[Sent: Thurs 20 Aug 7:00 PM]**

**Okay.**

_[Received: Thurs 20 Aug 7:02 PM]_

_Okay! I remember, trust me._

**[Sent: Thurs 20 Aug 7:03 PM]**

**Heart.**

_[Received: Thurs 20 Aug 7:05 PM]_

_Really?_

**[Sent: Thurs 20 Aug 7:08 PM]**

**Heart. Heart. Heart.**

_[Received: Thurs 20 Aug 7:09 PM]_

_I draw the line at the fucking hearts._

* * *

><p>Toris sighed, rolling on his couch to peer at his roommate. Berwald was pacing around the room in khaki pants and a white button-down shirt. The sleeves were rolled up—Toris wasn't really sure why he'd chosen pants; it was Italy after all, in August—and a few of the top buttons were undone.<p>

Toris figured he had already gotten ready to go on his date with Tino. Why Tino had agreed to a date, Toris had no idea. Didn't Tino know… that… Berwald was just…

"Toris," Berwald interrupted, "I have a question."

"Uh, okay. I'll try to help?"

"Mm. Do you brush your teeth before your date, or during your date, or after your date?" Berwald asked, eyeing his toothbrush curiously.

"Uh, before?"

"Mm." Berwald picked up his toothbrush and toothpaste and nodded as if he had made a crucial decision.

Toris watched Berwald exit with a relieved sigh.

Berwald was just so… odd.

Ready for a date… two hours before he needed to walk to his date's room… only Berwald…

Toris sighed again, eyeing his phone.

It was a bit odd, too. Just his entire week. Ever since that party, it just hadn't, you know… it'd been quiet. Too quiet.

And Toris wasn't upset that it was quiet or anything. He liked the quiet! It was all just fine.

Just odd. Berwald wasn't the only being odd. Well, Berwald's oddness was a normal thing. But Feliks…

Feliks hadn't called him since the party.

Toris reached over and picked up his phone. He flipped it open and eyed his "recent calls" list.

Nothing. Not a single missed call.

Toris frowned. He'd been completely wasted at the party. Stupid Russian and that stupid drinking contest… had he inadvertently pissed Feliks off?

Feliks called him every night, just to say goodnight. And if he couldn't do that, he'd text.

Toris was really accustomed to those calls. They were part of his evening routine.

It was really hard to go to sleep without hearing Feliks say "good night." He wasn't sure why, it just was.

Feliks had been calling him for such a long time. When they were little, Feliks would call using his ma's phone. And now? Well, Feliks was really chatty.

Toris was quite the multitasker—talking to Feliks and doing homework or goofing online was normal. Completely normal. He'd been doing it for as long as he could remember.

They went to different schools in different countries, but were best friends. Feliks called him every day. Even when Feliks was _sick _he'd call.

But he hadn't talked to Feliks in days. In _days._

Toris wasn't sure how he felt about it. On one hand, he actually got all his homework done without weird conversations about irrelevant topics distracting him. On the other hand, it was just plain _weird. _

Was it weird he kind of missed talking about the latest Victoria Secret apparel with his gay, cross-dressing best friend? Feliks could talk to him about _anything_.

Was it university? Were they drifting apart? Did Feliks like Tino more?

Had… had Feliks found someone?

Toris bit his lip and stared at the ceiling.

He didn't like to admit it, but that was his biggest fear.

Feliks could be so outgoing. He was just flamboyant and shining and whatnot. At least _now._

But Toris could remember a younger Feliks that would cower behind his back with teary eyes when introduced to anyone new. He remembered Feliks following him around _everywhere._ He remembered being a bit annoyed, but not having the heart to tell Feliks to stop.

Feliks was his _best friend._

It was hard sometimes. To know your best friend was gay. Because Toris realized that he'd eventually lose Feliks to another man.

Oh, he had no doubt that they'd remain friends for the rest of their lives. But it wouldn't be an everyday thing. Feliks wouldn't want to talk to him every night. He'd have someone else to chatter at. Someone else to discuss Victoria Secret apparel with. Someone who'd want to see his body in said apparel and would help him choose sexy outfits and Toris cut that line of thinking off as soon as he could.

He knew Feliks had had several boyfriends. He wasn't necessarily jealous, but at the same time he was.

Feliks was his best friend. It was only normal to want his attention.

Toris stared at his phone.

Feliks was the one who called him. Always. _Always. _Toris never had to call, because Feliks would initiate a conversation.

Even when Feliks was mad at him, he'd call him up to complain and bitch and rant and eventually he'd badger Toris into apologizing for something Toris hadn't known he needed to be sorry for.

But this was different.

Something had happened at that party. Something bad had happened. Berwald said that no one had slept in his bed that night—he and Feliks were supposed to have switched rooms, but it didn't happen.

Feliks hadn't wanted to share his room.

Toris wanted to say that Feliks had found someone, but Feliks usually told Toris when he was seeing someone. He never shared details, but he at least would let Toris know.

This wasn't a relationship. This was Feliks avoiding him, which had never happened before. Toris wasn't sure what to make of it.

No. He knew exactly what to make of it, he just didn't want to admit it to himself.

He'd hurt Feliks. He'd hurt Feliks badly. So badly that Feliks hadn't even called crying and demanding an apology.

This was a hurt Feliks wanted to keep secret. He was embarrassed that he was hurt, but he was so upset he could not bring himself to pretend to act normally.

Toris could only think of one thing that would cause Feliks to be so upset.

He closed his eyes and breathed through his nose.

How could he forget that kiss?

He'd always love Feliks. Feliks was his _best friend._ But Toris just wasn't gay. Feliks was beautiful. Feliks was everything he wanted… _in a female._ And maybe that was just sexist or something but Toris could not bring himself to want a man. He just couldn't. He wouldn't experiment with Feliks.

Sometimes he was scared that his rejection had spawned Feliks' cross-dressing. That perhaps it was a plea for his affection. An attempt to appeal to Toris by flaunting his feminine side. That thought tugged at Toris' heartstrings horribly.

He did not want Feliks to wait his whole life for a single chance. Toris wasn't worth that, and Feliks could do so much better.

He refused to be unsure about it—if he was going to date his best friend, he'd _know _he was gay beforehand. Toris didn't. He was unsure. Undecided. He just didn't know if he could take penis. It's not like he had that much experience with vagina, but he just didn't know if he was attracted to penis.

He wouldn't break Feliks' heart.

He opened his eyes and glanced at his phone. He was afraid he'd already broken Feliks' heart, though, and he didn't even remember how.

* * *

><p>Berwald entered the bathroom a tube of toothpaste in one hand and his toothbrush in the other. He claimed a sink and sat the toothpaste on the counter.<p>

He blinked and picked up the toothpaste again, opening the tube and squeezing a dollop onto his toothbrush.

Then he wet his toothbrush and began to brush.

As he was scrubbing, one of the showers in the bathroom turned off. He heard a clatter and a curse, and then he saw Tino come out of the stall with a towel around his waist.

His toothbrushing slowed as he gazed at Tino's body through the mirror.

Tino walked towards the sink, focused and slightly angry looking. He dropped his shower caddy on the sink with a heavy thud and sighed.

"Timo?" Berwald mumbled through his toothpasty mouth. "'re 'ou alr'ght?"

Tino was jolted out of his thought process and stared up at Berwald. He gaped.

"B-Berwald?"

"Y'u l'k g'd 'n a t'wel." He mumbled, toothpaste running down the side of his mouth.

Tino stared at him, eyes transfixed on Berwald's toothpaste-drool. "Uh, what?"

Berwald leaned over the sink and spit.

"I said, 'you look good in a towel.'" Berwald clarified, wiping his mouth with his hand.

"Oh. Um…" Tino fidgeted with the hem of his towel, looking anywhere but at Berwald. "Why are you already ready? We have two hours."

Berwald shrugged.

Tino sighed. "I really shouldn't be surprised."

"If you're ready sooner, we can get gelato on the way to the restaurant."

Tino's eyes narrowed curiously. "Your treat?"

"Yes."

"…Can we go to that place with the banana and chocolate kind?"

"Yes."

"I'll be ready in fifteen minutes."

* * *

><p>AN: Hey guys! Thanks for all the reviews/favs/alerts! I really appreciate them! You guys are awesome! If you review, I can personally tell you you're awesome.

And finally, my sister wants you to have a quote: "Teeth are awesome," she says, "for chomping. Chomp chomp chomp."


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven: "**So hold my hand tight. Hold my hand with confidence. For this love can last forever. For this love we shall share together." Shelby Dawson

* * *

><p>Berwald was waiting outside of Tino's door.<p>

He had fifteen minutes. He didn't know what to do with himself.

Outwardly, he didn't show any sign of impatience. And it's not like he _was _impatient—he had been ready two hours early, after all, and Tino had changed his schedule on a very short notice and was being very accommodating in exchange for gelato—but he couldn't exactly pinpoint where he was emotionally.

It wasn't that he was anxious; he wasn't worried enough. It wasn't exactly nervousness, either. There was a bit of unease, yes, probably caused by the fact this was _Tino._

Beautiful, gorgeous Tino who happened at this very moment to be changing inside of his dorm room, meaning that he might possibly be naked _right now_. Berwald stared hard at room 311's door.

And then it hit him. He was _eager._ He wasn't experiencing an irritated impatience, it was a breathless expectance.

He _couldn't wait. _No wonder he had been ready so early.

Berwald ran through a quick checklist in his head: he had brushed his teeth, he'd combed his hair, and he'd made sure a condom was in his wallet (because you never know, and safety first!). He pulled out his phone and quickly browsed through the list of activities he'd checked earlier while talking to Toris. Getting gelato wouldn't take a full two hours, and Berwald had discovered something very important regarding gelato anyway. Something that would lead to continued contact with Tino over the weekend.

His thoughts came into focus when he heard the door open. Tino stepped out, and froze at Berwald's location right outside his door.

"I shouldn't be surprised to find you standing right here." Tino said with a slight roll of his eyes. "I really shouldn't—"

Berwald shrugged and decided to interrupt Tino's train of thought. "Do you want to go to the gelato festival?"

Tino stopped mid-sentence, gaping at him.

"There's a _gelato_ _festival?_"

"This weekend. Ten euros for seven scoops."

"Seven?" Tino replied dreamily. "_Hell_ _yes_."

Berwald smiled a bit and held out his arm. Tino stared at it.

"No."

"It's a date." Berwald argued.

"I'm not holding your fucking arm."

"But it's a date." Berwald countered.

"Only girls hold guys' arms!" Tino complained.

Berwald let his arm fall with a frown. Then he held out his hand.

Tino stared at it and sighed. "Berwald, I've known you for a week—"

"What a great week."

"You aren't going to let this go, are you?" Tino said.

"No. It's a date."

Tino sighed. "Can we wait until we leave the dorms?"

"Why?"

"Well, you know." Tino gestured at the other dorm rooms, trying to hint at the fact they were surrounded by gossipy people.

Berwald blinked, still holding his arm outstretched. He wiggled his fingers in an attempt to persuade Tino. "Mm?"

Tino sighed again, giving in and taking Berwald's hand. "You're kind of hopeless."

Berwald shrugged.

* * *

><p>Holding Tino's hand as they walked towards the gelato festival was very, very good. Berwald couldn't help but memorize all the little things: Tino's hand was smaller than his and fit perfectly in his own. Tino's skin was slightly fairer, a little bit cooler, and Tino's nails were choppy at the end.<p>

"Do you bit your fingernails?" Berwald asked as they jumped onto the sidewalk to avoid a car.

Tino turned towards Berwald, confused. "How do you know?"

Berwald lifted their joined hands and pointed at Tino's fingertips with his free hand.

"Choppy." He said.

"I guess they are. Fortunately, no one gives a fuck."

"Mm."

Tino looked up at him, a small and questioning smile on his lips.

"Why do you care?"

"It's bad."

"Why?"

"Mm." Berwald replied, eyeing Tino's fingers. "Unhealthy."

"Explain."

"Germs." Berwald felt this was a satisfactory explanation.

"Germs." Tino repeated, slightly amused. "Would you like to elaborate for the rest of us?"

"You're putting germs from everything you touch into your mouth. That can cause illness."

"Okay, that is a gross thought."

"Yes."

"I should probably stop."

"Yes."

"Will you buy me something if I stop?"

"Mm." Berwald shrugged. "I'll buy you something anyway."

"Don't say that!" Tino punched Berwald on the shoulder. "I was joking. You shouldn't spend your money so carelessly."

"It's not careless. It's for you."

Tino didn't reply, so Berwald squeezed his hand as they walked.

"I think your nails are beautiful anyway." He reassured his companion.

Tino looked back up, that small smile that Berwald adored on his face.

"Thanks."

* * *

><p>"Gelaaato." Tino sighed happily as he and Berwald approached the crowded piazza. "What kind of flavors do you think they'll have?"<p>

Berwald shrugged. "I like lemon."

"That's sorbet. It doesn't count."

"It's still good."

"Yeah, but… you get _seven scoops. _You aren't just going to get seven scoops of lemon, are you?"

Berwald turned his head and raised a brow. "What do you think?"

"With you? No idea."

"I'll get raspberry, too."

Tino laughed. "Still sorbet! You have to try adventurous flavors… like, like," he rolled up to the balls of his feet to peer at the flavors. "Salad flavor?"

Berwald blinked. "What."

"Cheese, tomato, and lettuce. Delicious." Tino said mockingly. "I don't think I'm that adventurous today."

Berwald tugged on Tino's hand, pulling him towards the counter to buy two festival tickets.

After Berwald bought them, Tino bounded off back towards the brightly colored tent. Berwald followed at a more sedate pace.

"Ooh, mango? And mint! Stracciatella! Chocolate!" Tino moved down the display with absolute joy. Berwald thought it was very cute. "Oh god, dark chocolate _and _white chocolate. And pistachio! But nutella. I want nutella first for sure." Tino decided enthusiastically. "What are you getting, Ber?"

_Ber. _Berwald decided he liked that nickname.

"Lemon."

* * *

><p>He and Tino got three scoops in a bowl before they carried their ice cream away from the festival to a less crowded piazza in order to find a seat. Tino ended up with nutella, tiramisu, and he broke down and got the salad flavor just because.<p>

Berwald had two scoops of lemon and one of raspberry.

They decided to sit on the stairwell in front of Florence' cathedral, facing the baptistery.

"I like Italy." Tino said, taking a bite of salad flavor and scrunching up his nose. "Cheese gelato is weird."

"I'd imagine so." Berwald replied. "I like Italy, too."

"I hadn't been here before. I mean, before university and all. I just accepted because I mean, you _can't _not accept, you know? But Italy is really nice. It's kind of hot."

"Mm."

"By 'kind of hot,' I meant really fucking hot. But we're from the north, too, so that's probably why it feels like my skin will melt off."

Berwald blinked. "I have sunscreen in the dorm—"

"Oh, me too. But have you seen the cost of sunscreen here? It's like, twenty euros for a little bottle of SPF 30! They have tons of bronzer after-sun crap, but no preventative care!"

"It's Italy." Berwald said in explanation.

"I know we're in Italy, but what a rip-off." Tino whined. "I'm going to just have my dad ship me some."

"You can use mine."

"I meant when I run out." Tino elaborated. "It's racist."

"It's not racist." Berwald rolled his eyes.

"It's twenty euros! Only pale people buy it! Therefore, racism!"

"That makes no sense."

"It makes total sense."

"You're talking about the kind at the grocery?"

"No, I went to the pharmacy."

"That was child sunscreen. Italians have children."

"I know they have children!"

"So it's not racist, it's targeted at parents."

"So… Italians don't like pale babies."

"That's not it at all. Where do you come up with this?" Berwald asked.

"In my head. By the way, the aloe at the grocery was nine euros but I bought the same damn kind in the train station in Rome for fifteen! Rip. Off."

"You bought it at a train station. In _Rome._"

"That's besides the point." Tino huffed. "I want my six euros back."

Berwald reached into his wallet and pulled out six euros. He passed them to Tino.

Tino stared at the money, and then looked up to Berwald with a dumbfounded expression. "I was just venting, Berwald."

"Oh?"

"Keep your money. I'll spend it on steak."

"Oh."

Tino had completely devoured his gelato while Berwald ate at a more paced speed. In fact, Berwald was very impressed with the way Tino could carry on a conversation and still manage to down three scoops of gelato so quickly.

Tino sucked on his plastic spoon, sadly eyeing his empty bowl.

Berwald held out the rest of his gelato. Tino froze, then looked at his companion with surprise.

"Really?"

"Mm."

"Thanks." Tino took the offering and happily downed the rest of Berwald's sorbet.

Berwald watched him amusedly.

* * *

><p>"So, um, this is a kind of nice place." Tino replied, following Berwald's lead into a smaller restaurant on the corner of a quiet street.<p>

"Mm." Berwald replied, happy that Tino seemed to get a good first impression.

"How'd you find it?"

"Was recommended."

"Really, by who?"

"A friend."

"Oh." Tino seemed to accept that answer. Berwald honestly didn't know what to say—could one simply explain, "I Googled it" for these type of questions, or was that against the rules? Was Google romantic? "Googling" kind of had a dirty vibe to it?

Berwald decided to let it go. The most important thing was that he was here, with Tino, on a date.

The waiter brought them to one of the only tables by a window but not near a door. Berwald had requested this specifically—he and Tino got the view of the street, but also escaped the Italian heat in favor of air conditioning.

"Can you imagine what it'd be like to live here with no air conditioning?" Tino quipped as Berwald pulled out his seat for him.

"It'd be hot." Berwald responded.

"Well, yeah…" Tino sat down. "Thanks."

Berwald nodded and moved to the other side of their two-person table. "I'd imagine you'd need to invest in fans."

"I'd have to have a hundred fans." Tino joked.

The two mulled over the menu.

"No steak." Tino said sadly.

"Veal." Berwald leaned over the table, pointing to the dish in question.

"I thought veal was lamb?"

"No, it's calf meat."

"Oh god." Tino placed a hand over his heart. "I can't eat a _baby cow._ It's a _baby._"

"Maybe fish?" Berwald suggested.

"Definitely fish."

Berwald settled on swordfish, while Tino decided he wanted ravioli stuffed with swordfish. The two decided to get a mussels appetizer and the restaurant's white wine.

The mussels arrived swiftly, and were very delicious even if messy.

"This isn't really great date food." Tino commented, cracking a shell further open with his hand and using his fork to scoop out the meat.

"Why isn't it good food for a date?" Berwald commented. "Do you not like it?"

"No, this is delicious. It's just messy." Tino looked at his hands, slightly embarrassed. He wiped them on his cloth napkin.

"So?" Berwald shrugged, prying at a mussel and smirking down at it in satisfaction when the shell broke completely apart.

Tino watched him with a small smile of his own. "You're right."

Dinner came and went, and Berwald paid with his credit card. The two stopped by the men's restroom to wash their hands and then headed back to the dorm.

Berwald had been very happy when Tino didn't even comment when he intertwined their hands. Berwald had squeezed, and to his complete surprised Tino actually squeezed back.

"So… it was not unfortunate?" Berwald asked.

"What?" Tino blinked.

"This." Berwald gestured at the space between them. "This is not unfortunate?"

"No, it isn't." Tino smiled a bit. "It was good, Berwald."

Berwald let out a huge sigh of relief. "You'd go out with me again?"

Tino looked away, but Berwald was delighted to see a light blush on his face. "Yes."

"Wow." Berwald said, slightly in awe.

Tino laughed. "Really?"

"You are just that special." Berwald squeezed Tino's hand again.

Tino's blush deepened, and he didn't even look away in an attempt to hide it.

They walked in comfortable silence, their hands swinging between them. When Berwald could see the Hetalia academy sign ahead, he felt a question building and he knew he wouldn't be able to rest until he got an answer.

"Tino?" He began.

"Yes?"

"Does this mean, I guess…" Berwald took a deep breath. "I was wondering…"

"You were wondering…?"

"Are we dating now?" Berwald asked, painfully hopeful.

Tino stared at him.

"Are we… dating now." Tino repeated.

Berwald nodded earnestly.

Tino let out a little huff and smiled. "I suppose we are."

Berwald grinned. He _grinned. _Tino stared, but his smile grew as well.

"Does that mean, on Facebook, do we change our relationship status now? From 'single' to 'dating'?"

* * *

><p>Toris fidgeted, staring at his phone.<p>

It was about ten-thirty. Berwald was still out on his date, and Feliks hadn't called. Not that Toris was surprised Feliks hadn't called, because Feliks hadn't called in awhile but Toris was kind of hoping that maybe things would have blown over by now…?

Apparently not. Toris took a deep breath and decided he'd better man up and call Feliks instead.

Feliks was the first number on his speed dial, not that he ever used it. He tentatively pressed the number and then held his phone next to his ear. Listening to the ring of the phone was maddening.

"_H-Hello?"_ A laughing Feliks picked up.

"Uh, hey Feliks…" Toris began.

"_OW. Stop that!" _Toris heard giggling, and other male voices in the background. _"Sorry, I'm kind of—hey!—I'm busy right now and I'll call you back later, okay? Okay! Ciao!"_

The line went dead. Toris stared at his phone in disbelief.

What had just happened?

* * *

><p>AN: Lol. Why is Awkward!Sweden so much fun? Is he just as funny to read as he is to write? I truly hope so. I feel like this chapter was a little slow... I'M SORRY. I have no excuse. It's still summer. I don't have anything else going on. I don't have a job (not yet, at least). I am just lazy and like to spend time at the pool because it's SO FUCKING HOT. It's so hot, guys. My skin is melting off.

PS-I hope no one is offended by Fin's "racist" crap. I meant it to be funny. If it's not, please just let me know and I'll edit it out.

Thanks for all the favs/alerts/reviews! I feel... official. My MS word document broke 100 pages this chapter, we broke 100 favs, we broke 150 alerts... Ah, guys. Y'all are all just so fucking awesome, okay? So fucking awesome. Prussia awesome, even. Yes, you badass people, you have reached that level of awesome.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve: "**The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself." Voltaire

* * *

><p>Tino hadn't expected such a bubbly feeling. It was such an effervescent oddity; his entire chest felt light and he just couldn't keep a giddy smile off his face. He was acting silly!<p>

Berwald had walked him back to his room, kissed his hand, and then walked down the hall. Then he waved and entered his own room.

Tino watched the whole thing, standing in front of his door with his hand outstretched where Berwald had left it and damning that stupid boy to hell because Tino was kind of falling for him.

It's not like it was a bad thing. Berwald was really sweet, in a semi-fucking-stalker kind of way. Cute was maybe the right word. How could Tino not find Berwald cute?

Berwald's face when Tino told them they were dating—I mean, you can't describe that type of overwhelming happiness. Tino had watched Berwald's sea-green eyes light up like everything in the world had just fallen perfectly into place.

It was cute. He couldn't tell Feliks, though, because Feliks would go ballistic and tell everyone on their floor, including Toris and then Toris would possibly tell Berwald and even though they were dating now Tino was _not _Berwald's boyfriend yet and that level of grapevine compliment was just not on.

Right. So what was with the bouncy feeling? Tino rocked back on his heels, staring as his dorm room door. He couldn't just go inside and sit down. He _couldn't! _How could he? Really?

He wanted to talk to someone. Feliks popped into his head, of course, but Tino just didn't feel like… you know… because Feliks' advice was kind of crap. That was a horrible thing to say about his friend, but this was the same boy that forced him into a man thong and sprinkled glitter on all visible parts of his body. So honestly Tino couldn't feel too bad.

But it was eleven-thirty on the first real Friday night of his four-year college experience and he was standing like a dumbass, grinning stupidly at his door.

Obviously he had some issues.

Tino let out a soft sigh, bringing one of his hands to massage his chest and try to dissipate the bubbliness that plagued him.

Who could he talk to? _Who could he talk to?_ He couldn't call his dad—like his _dad _would be all excited about his gay son's first date. He'd just go, "that's great, son" and if Tino was there in person he'd get a firm pat on the shoulder. Sometimes he really missed his mom.

Tino figured he could blab about his first date in his journal, but how girly was that? Well, it's not like wanting to talk to someone about your first date wasn't girly, but he needed some advice.

He needed some damn advice because he'd known this crazy stalker-giant fool for a week and Tino had never felt so strongly attracted to anyone. Was there something wrong with him? Was this going too fast? Most importantly, was stalking one of his kinks? Oh god.

Tino turned around and leaned against his room's door. He pulled out his phone and scrolled through his contacts list.

**Berwald**

**BESTROOMIEEVER!1!**

**Emil**

**Eduard**

**Lukas**

**Mikkel**

**Toris**

**Vash**

Tino bit his lip. Mikkel was fucking insane, Vash had absolutely _no _idea about relationships… Lukas was kind of scary! Toris might tell Berwald, and like he could talk to Berwald about his _feelings_. Berwald would probably masturbate to those. Tino had better keep them locked up until he felt comfortable with that sort of intimacy. But Berwald probably masturbated _anyway,_ and most likely about _him… _and fuck if he hadn't masturbated about Berwald because anyone that tall and sexy had a monster dick, and perhaps Tino would admit that monster dicks were most likely possibly okay definitely one of his kinks.

Eduard's longest relationship involved a computer. Like that would go over well, anyway. Tino had known Eduard the longest, mostly because they ended up sitting next to each other on the flight from Helsinki to Florence, but whatever. Eduard probably masturbated with a iVibe or iDildo or something electronic like that. Tino had no idea if those things existed, but they probably did. There was an app for everything, after all.

That left Emil. Quiet, polite Emil. Tino was a little intimidated by him, probably because Emil was related to Lukas and Lukas was perhaps the scariest motherfucker on the planet. His eyes looked straight to your soul. Tino did not want that kind of interrogational, future-telling magic that Tino was certain a conversation with Lukas would entail.

So Emil it was.

He pressed the green phone button, and crossed his fingers and the line on the other end rang.

"_…Hello?_"

"Emil? This is Tino. Um, I was wondering if I could come over?"

"_Sure._"

"I kind of need to talk."

"_I know."_

_ "_Er, really?"

"_Lukas told me."_

"…I see, well um I'll just be on my way then."

_"Okay."_

* * *

><p>Tino fidgeted kind of irritably in his seat.<p>

He had a lovely, steaming glass of hot chocolate in front of him. It even had a shot of vanilla vodka in it. It truly smelled fabulous. And the room was chilly compared to the heat of the evening.

However, that did not change the fact that Emil and _Lukas _were sitting across from him, each nursing their own cup and probably telecommunicating with their minds.

Emil spoke first, because Emil was much braver than Tino. "You said you needed to talk."

"Well, yes." Tino admitted. "But I kind of meant to you."

"I would tell Lukas anyway." Emil shrugged, his puffin readjusting on his shoulder. "So it's better this way."

"Great." Tino sighed. "Um, where do I start?"

"Berwald." Lukas said. "Tell us about Berwald."

"How did you know?" Tino shrieked defensively.

"I'm not an idiot." Lukas sighed. "He's been stalking you for a solid week. We live on the same hall. It's obvious."

"O-oh." Tino sagged in his chair, a bit relieved. "It is a bit obvious."

Emil hummed in agreement, stirring his chocolate with a silver spoon.

Tino fidgeted, eyeing the door and formulating escape routes in his head if that spoon had magical voodoo powers.

And then Emil couldn't help it, he chuckled. Lukas sent him a frown, and Emil's face struggled to regain his composure.

"We're not wizards." Emil said, very amused by Tino's distress. "We're just _observant._"

Lukas rolled his eyes. "It's beneficial to have people believe otherwise."

Tino blushed bright red. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend you or anything it's just that you're so intimidating and I'm—"

"You need to breath." Lukas said, concentrating on his own chocolate. Actually, maybe it was coffee because Tino had never seen anyone add sugar to hot chocolate.

Tino took a deep breath and relaxed. "Okay."

"So you need to talk about Berwald." Emil reverted the conversation back to the original topic. "That's fine. We'll listen."

"I need advice." Tino confessed. "I know absolutely nothing about relationships. Except what Feliks has tried to instill—"

Both Emil and Lukas scoffed.

"Feliks?" Emil began with a slight smirk.

"Not the best advice." Lukas agreed.

"He's a bit…" Emil struggled for a word.

"Ridiculous? Overwhelming? Gay?"

"All of the above?"

"Yes, I agree."

Tino blinked, eyeing the two curiously. "You said you weren't twins?"

"No." Emil said.

"Half-brothers." Lukas interjected. "I'm older."

"Barely." Emil rolled his eyes.

"As it stands, I'm older." Lukas raised his brows in Emil's direction, challenging Emil to say elsewise.

"You're older because Norway's time is ahead of Iceland's."

"It still counts."

Emil sighed, and Tino belated realized he might have brought up a sensitive topic.

"I'm sorry." He said, bringing the brothers' attention back to him. "But what?"

"Same father." Emil explained. "He was a bastard."

"Dickhead."

"Asshole."

"Completely." Lukas agreed. "Cheated on both our moms."

"Without their knowledge, of course."

"The idiot."

"I know." Emil sighed. "But our moms found out."

"We were little?" Lukas hummed. "Maybe one or two?"

"Father was found out—two wives and two sons in two countries."

"Our mothers were furious. Took him to court and won."

"And of course, they were both bisexual." Emil chuckled.

"After they each divorced him, they remarried each other." Lukas clarified. "And we live in Norway now."

"Primarily." Emil corrected. "We still have our house in Iceland."

Lukas tilted his head in acknowledgement. Tino blinked at them.

"So… basically you're twins."

Lukas's lip twitched upwards, and Emil smiled. "Close enough." They said in unison.

"Creepy." Tino replied. "That's kind of creepy."

"Speaking of creepy…" Emil said.

"Berwald." Lukas finished, eyeing Tino speculatively.

"Right." Tino sighed. "So, we're dating now."

Tino looked up, trying to judge their expression. But the boys' faces remained blank. Lukas seemed completely uninterested and Emil was playing with his puffin.

"And um, yeah." Tino struggled to find the right words. "I just, it makes me feel weird."

"Define 'weird'." Lukas didn't look away from where he was gazing at the wall.

"Um, you know. Tingling? Like there's a tightness in my chest but it's not like a painful tightness, it's just there. I'm always aware of it and it's sort of awkward being around him because sometimes I don't know what to say. And I just feel like my head is muddled." Tino explained.

"You love him." Lukas clarified.

"Lukas." Emil whispered in chastisement. "He wanted advice, not a psychoanalysis."

Lukas shrugged. Tino stared at the two in open-mouthed horror.

"I can't love him!" Tino stated. "Not yet! It's been a week! Do you know what a week is?"

"Seven days." Lukas said deadpanned.

"Motherfucking seven days!" Tino gasped, letting his head fall to their small kitchen table. "Oh my god. Oh. my. god."

"Tino, breath." Emil reminded him gently.

"And get a grip." Lukas sighed.

"What if I do love him? What do I do?" Tino lamented. "I've never been in love with anyone! I'm only eighteen! Love isn't supposed to happen until you're like… _old._"

Emil and Lukas raised their brows and Tino dug his face back into the table in distress.

"First of all," Lukas said, "you should probably buy condoms."

"_Lukas." _Emil hissed. "That is not helping."

Lukas looked away, but Emil rolled his eyes at the sparkle of gleeful mischief in his brother's eyes.

Tino made a pained keening noise, and Emil turned back to the floundering freshman in front of him.

"My advice, Tino, would be to take it one day at a time." Emil said calmly, trying to soothe the distraught boy. "Your date went well?"

Tino nodded, face still against the table.

"Then take it a date at a time. Berwald will lead you, as well. You need to let him know if you're not comfortable with something, but if you like him you shouldn't push him away."

Tino nodded again.

"So _breath, _Tino. You're okay. You're going to take this slow, and it's going to be fine."

"Right." Tino sat up, looking more settled. "Berwald always listens."

"Exactly." Emil stated. "And he's interesting in pursuing you, to an extreme I've never encountered before. While you're warming up to the idea, let him lead the way. As your feeling grow, you should try to give back so Berwald feels your affection as well. Don't let this turn into a one-sided affair."

Tino nodded. "I could maybe give him secret admirer gifts, too."

"Exactly." Emil nodded. "You need to find a balance in your relationship."

"Right." Tino admitted. "I'm feeling a lot better now. It was just a bit overwhelming, because Berwald is really, _really _affectionate and I'm just not there yet."

"That's okay. But you need to make sure Berwald understands that, too." Emil continued his advice. "You don't want him confused because his attention seems to be all for naught."

"Yeah. I don't want him feeling that way, because I do really like him. Kind of a lot." Tino grinned a bit, obviously thinking fondly of his personal stalker.

"Take it one step at a time."

"Yeah. Yeah!" Tino grinned, obviously re-focused on his task. "Thank you guys. So much."

"You're welcome." Lukas replied. "You can go now." Emil elbowed him in the arm.

"Thanks again!" Tino waved as he exited their dorm room. He walked down the hall to his room with a happy grin on his face. Because he had an idea.

* * *

><p>Berwald heard the knock on his door and groaned, as it was <em>Saturday<em> now because it was one in the morning. Why was someone knocking on his and Toris' door at one in the morning?

Toris was sound asleep, pink earplugs muffling any noises, so Berwald grudgingly got out of bed and shuffled to the door. He opened it and stared.

There, in front of his door, was a Moomin plushie. Berwald stared at it, then looked curiously around the hallway. It was lit, but empty. He picked up the plushie and flipped open the note that was sitting on its lap.

_Berwald. Moomins are cute, and so are you. Your secret admirer, Tino._

* * *

><p>AN: Who, Feliks? What about him? Maybe next chapter. ;D

Mm, Finland. You guys, I heard that pompufiilis song. I don't even know Finnish and the melody gets stuck in my head. Lol.

An update, finally! Sorry it took so long, I've been LJ-ing kink meme stuff. Here's my question: do you guys think I should post my LJ stuff on here, too?

Thanks for all the favs/reviews/alerts! 8D You brilliant people, you! I love you all!


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen: **"Assumptions are the termites of relationships." Henry Winkler

* * *

><p>Berwald stared. He <em>stared. <em>His jaw twitched painfully and his eyes went blurry from staring at the note for so long because he was terrified that he was going to blink and it would just be a dream. He finally closed his eyes, for the briefest of moments, and then they shot back open. The note from Tino was still there_. _Because Tino… _TINO _thought he was cute!

Berwald scooped up the Moomin plushie and held it fiercely, pressing the troll's squishy face into his chest. Because Tino thought he was cute! _Tino _did!

He could hardly believe it. Maybe it was all just a dream. A very cruel dream.

Berwald pinched himself. He didn't wake up, so it must be real.

Then Berwald couldn't decide what to do. He stood in the hallway, dorm room door wide open and just a loose pair of drawstrings pants around his waist. No socks or slippers or a shirt (Italy was very hot in the summer) and Berwald did not give a shit if he looked like a lovesick fool because he _was _a lovesick fool.

Berwald glanced down at the Moomin plushie in his arms and immediately came to terms with the fact that his grandfather's carving tools were now his second most precious possession because what this ridiculous squishy toy meant to him could not be expressed in words. Berwald squeezed it one more time for good measure and sighed wistfully.

He then decided he was crossing the line between lovesick fool and complete idiot, and decided to be a good roommate and shut the damn door before taking his glasses off and going back to sleep.

Berwald hadn't slept with a squishy toy in years, but he made a special exception.

* * *

><p>Berwald woke up refreshed. He yawned, shifting his limbs quietly and knocking his Moomin off the bed.<p>

Berwald leaned over the side of his bed and peered down, squinting his eyes to focus on the troll on the floor. He realized he couldn't keep calling his Moomin "Moomin," because this was a special Moomin troll from Tino. It needed a special from-Tino kind of troll name.

Ragnvald, obviously.

So Berwald picked up Ragnvald and set the soft Moomin on the end of his bed. He quietly tucked his sheets and comforter back where they were meant to be, and brushed out any rumples. Then he settled Ragnvald on the top of his pillow. Happy with this seating arrangement, Berwald proceeded with his Saturday as usual.

He happily took his shower and then met up with Arthur for breakfast. Arthur bitched and complained about something or another; Berwald wasn't really paying attention.

He had to admit it was one of the best things about being relatively quiet: no one knew if he was paying attention or not. He'd just "mm" in response every so often, and even if he had no idea what was going on it was an acceptable response.

Berwald broke his own rules for Tino because "mm"-ing was not going to convince Tino to be his wife. And convincing Tino to be his wife was much more important than just about anything he could think of, really. It was his top priority.

So while Arthur was whining (probably about Francis, Berwald decided, or the "damn American") Berwald let his mind wander to more important things.

More specifically his list. Now that he and Tino were dating, several new numerically-ordered tasks were available for him to complete. It was almost like a video game—as he got closer and closer to Tino, new challenges were unlocked and he could complete them to get new challenges and eventually he'd win because Tino would marry him.

Berwald blinked, and looked down at himself. They were dating, yes, but could he already complete number thirteen? Berwald didn't know because he still wasn't exactly sure about Tino's preferences about apparel.

But Tino shared a room with Feliks. Feliks might know? But it was only around eight forty-five in the morning. Berwald did not wish to awaken Feliks at such an early hour.

Berwald took a sip of his coffee and "mm"-ed, convincing Arthur to continue his virulent diatribe. So what else would be possible to accomplish, if it was still too early for thirteen?

Fourteen was right out. Berwald wasn't completely stupid—it was still too early for that kind of intimacy. But sixteen. Berwald paused and considered it.

Technically, sixteen's picnic referred to a _lunch, _or at least maybe a dinner. However, the type of meal was not specifically stated, and therefore a picnic breakfast was not entirely out of the picture. Berwald could make it happen.

He mused for a moment, trying to think of the best place for a picnic. Probably somewhere on the outskirts of the city—somewhere with beautiful vegetation and with lovely flowers and that sort of thing. Something sort of romantic. Probably not an area with a religious affiliation, as picnicking in a holy spot was probably frowned upon.

But Berwald could recall a small spot he'd heard about. Sixteen it was.

He sighed, taking the last gulp of his coffee and nodding politely at Arthur in farewell.

Arthur replied in his normal manner—waving and chatting about something or another.

* * *

><p>It was another trip to the market. Berwald arrived at about nine-fifteen, and the place was bustling with Italians.<p>

Berwald felt a little out of place, what with his towering height and Scandinavian coloring. He didn't let that stop him, of course, because he had to create a perfect picnic breakfast for Tino.

What do Finns like for breakfast? Berwald thought as he took a quick walk-through of the market, noting the cheapest fruit stands and bakeries.

Berwald decided to settle on fruit, bread, and jam. These were the things that were the most appealing, and if Tino didn't like them Berwald would just buy him licorice. Okay, _more _licorice, because Berwald had already bought some for dessert.

Berwald bought strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, blueberries, and grapes. He also bought a fresh loaf of bread and blackberry and raspberry jam.

And he got a picnic basket from one of the stands outside the market, too, just to give everything a seal of authenticity.

He carried his purchases back to his dorm, and then entered the small kitchen area on the first floor to rinse and prepare his fruit and make everything presentable.

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 10:00 AM]**

**Let me know when you're awake. I've got breakfast.**

_[Received: Sat 22 Aug 10:03 AM]_

_My pone wasonshhh_

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 10:15 AM]**

**What.**

_[Received: Sat 22 Aug 10:17 AM]_

_Shhhh im sleepin fone maks noiaes_

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 10:20 AM]**

**What.**

_[Received: Sat 22 Aug 10:23 AM]_

_Stopsmssingame_

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 10:25 AM]**

**What.**

_[Received: Sat 22 Aug 10:31 AM]_

_shutuasdasdaaslkdjappppp_

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 10:33 AM]**

**I don't understand.**

_[Received: Sat 22 Aug 10:37 AM]_

_fuck it. Wats 4 brakfast?_

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 10:40 AM]**

**A picnic.**

_[Received: Sat 22 Aug 10:41 AM]_

_k gimme a few mins_

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 10:44 AM]**

**Are we at the point in our relationship where I can use pet names?**

_[Received: Sat 22 Aug 10:46 AM]_

_Are we at the point in our relationship where I can skip a shower this morning?_

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 10:48 AM]**

**Yes?**

_[Received: Sat 22 Aug 10:50 AM]_

_NO._

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 10:51 AM]**

**But you don't have to take a shower. I'm sure you look cute and smell good anyway.**

_[Received: Sat 22 Aug 11:07 AM]_

_That's beside the point because I've already taken a shower. So the answer is still NO._

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 11:10 AM]**

**Thanks for Ragnvald by the way. He is very cute.**

_[Received: Sat 22 Aug 11:12 AM]_

_WTF Ber giime 2 mins and u can xplan_

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 11:14 AM]**

**I am partial to the pet name "baby."**

_[Received: Sat 22 Aug 11:14 AM]_

_Don't go there._

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 11:14 AM]**

"**Sweetheart"?**

_[Received: Sat 22 Aug 11:15 AM]_

_Knock it off._

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 11:15 AM]**

"**Sugar pie honey bunch"?**

_[Received: Sat 22 Aug 11:15 AM]_

_You want me to come to breakfast or what?_

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 11:16 AM]**

**I want you to come.**

_[Received: Sat 22 Aug 11:16 AM]_

_DID YOU MAKE THAT DIRTY ON PURPOSE?_

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 11:17 AM]**

**You make me dirty on purpose.**

_[Received: Sat 22 Aug 11:17 AM]_

_I'm only walking down to your room for the food. That's the only reason. For the free food._

**[Sent: Sat 22 Aug 11:17 AM]**

**Whatever you say, baby.**

* * *

><p>Berwald propped his door open, a notable expression of happiness on his face.<p>

Toris eyed his roommate curiously, peeking over the top of his laptop to watch Berwald's eager movements around his picnic basket whenever he wasn't paused to vigorously text message someone Toris assumed to be Tino.

"Your date went well?"

"Hm? Oh." Berwald looked away from his phone to meet Toris' curious expression. Berwald couldn't contain his glimmer of happiness. "We're _dating_."

"Um, yeah?" Toris replied.

"Tino is my boyfriend now." Berwald elaborated proudly.

Toris gaped. "No way."

"Yes."

"_No._"

"Yes!" Berwald exclaimed. Toris couldn't help but chuckle at his roommate's enthusiasm. Berwald returned his attention to his buzzing phone.

"What are you going to do this morning?" Toris pried, undeniably curious about Berwald's unbelievable success story.

"A picnic." Berwald explained.

"A picnic for breakfast?"

"Yes." Berwald finished his message, another slight grin on his face as he pocketed his phone.

"Well, damn." Toris said. "You move fast."

Berwald frowned. "It's only been a week. He still hasn't agreed to marry me."

"Don't worry about it, Berwald." Tino assured him as he leaned against the doorframe. "You ready?"

"To get married?"

"Not right now, no. I meant for breakfast." Tino's stomach growled and the shorter blonde blushed.

Berwald reached into his basket and handed Tino a piece of bread. He took Tino's free hand in one of his own and the picnic basket in the other.

Berwald nodded a polite farewell to Toris as Tino checked his phone.

Toris watched with amusement as Tino elbowed Berwald in the solar plexus.

"I'm not your damn baby!"

"Mm." Berwald eyed his boyfriend with obvious affection as he gently tugged him out of the room.

Toris smiled, and then sent a fleeting glance to his own phone. He hadn't forgotten about Feliks.

That was an understatement. Toris sighed, running his hands through his hair. He hadn't slept very well the night before because what the _hell _was Feliks doing?

Toris had seen him drink at the party. Well, at least maybe. Toris still didn't remember too much about that evening.

It wasn't fair for Toris to judge Feliks' behavior based on just one call, but it was hard not too. Just because Feliks was out partying without him didn't mean they weren't friends. It was just…

They finally went to the same school. Phone calls and Skype appointments were no longer their primary form of communication. Toris could vividly remember how excited they both were! To see each other every day rather than twice a year had seemed like a godsend.

But Toris hadn't seen Feliks every day. They were in different classes and Toris hated to say it but Feliks' major was not really that difficult—fashion design? Sure, it suited Feliks, but it wasn't like Feliks was writing tons of papers and reading tons of books like Toris was for his English degree. Not that English was the most difficult thing, but _fashion design?_

Feliks was like that though. Sometimes he made decisions that Toris thought were ridiculously stupid. His behavior could just be so outrageous sometimes, and this was before Toris could actually see them for himself. Feliks typically told Toris his adventures, and Toris could easily draw his own conclusions from there.

Toris had assumed they'd hang out every day. Toris had assumed that their friendship would blossom and that Feliks would be so excited to have him in person that he'd, you know, constantly be bugging the shit out of him. Toris had actually thought that he'd have to come up with a way to get Feliks to leave him alone so he could make other friends.

And none of that had been true.

And here Toris was, nerdy Toris, sitting alone by himself in the morning after not going out the second Friday of his college life because he'd been waiting for Feliks to call because he was such an _idiot._

Feliks shouldn't have to call. Toris should be going out, doing things. Enjoying his time. He didn't need to cater to Feliks' every demand, either.

But Toris' idea of a good time did not consist of getting completely shitfaced and flirting with five men at once! Feliks had been drunk. Toris didn't know why Feliks felt he had to get drunk to have a good time. It was stupid, self-destructive behavior! Not that drinking itself was bad, but the binge drinking _partying _that Feliks was already most likely involved in…! It just pissed Toris off. It really did.

And to see Berwald get Tino was just icing on his pissy cake. Because really, Berwald was a complete oddball and yet he manages to snatch up a cute boy? Not that Toris was jealous. Not of _Tino. _Because Tino was a boy and Toris didn't like boys. No he didn't. It was just the ease of their relationship—the light teasing and Berwald's damn _happiness_ that Toris envied.

Toris didn't want to date Feliks, but he couldn't help but compare his relationship with Feliks to Berwald and Tino. Berwald and Tino were ridiculously awkward, but kind of endearingly sweet at the same time. Toris didn't know—he wanted that kind of thing. Not with Feliks. But with someone. And he expected Feliks' friendship to have been more worthwhile than… why hadn't Feliks called? He had just stopped calling and if Feliks didn't want to hang out with him, fine!

Toris wouldn't worry himself over someone else's stupid behavior.

Toris was judging Feliks. He was. Definitely. Feliks had been out drinking and had obviously been with men and if that kind of slutty behavior was what Feliks enjoyed, Toris wanted no damn part in it.

* * *

><p>AN: Oh, you wanted a chapter with Feliks? Not Toris? Oops, my bad. ;D

Thanks for all the love, you guys! I feel the love. I love the love. Thank you for all the favs/alerts/reviews! It makes me feel all smiley warm on the inside, which is the opposite of what Toris is feeling right now. Poor pissy Toris.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen: **"Friends are the bacon bits in the salad bowl of life." Anon

* * *

><p>Feliks woke with a groan. His head was throbbing and he had yet to even open his eyes. He didn't think he could do it.<p>

He decided to be very brave and try. He slowly blinked and let his eyes open, then moaned and tossed and arm over them.

He heard chuckling. Feliks used his free hand to flip whoever was laughing the bird.

"Mon cher, that is not very nice!"

Feliks huffed, rolling over to glare at Francis.

"Don't care." He muttered. "Hurts."

"What hurts?"

"My head."

"I would be surprised if it didn't." Francis nodded. Feliks could hear shuffling and then another groan—not Francis?

"Who else have you tortured?" Feliks mumbled, not even trying to move his head to look.

"Mathieu!" Francis chirped. "Darling, why are you giving me that face?"

"I hate you." Feliks grinned at the words. "Go get me an aspirin."

"Is that all I'm good for?" Francis sounded affronted.

"Yes." Matthew replied.

"Gimme one, too." Feliks tacked on. "And water."

"Fine, fine!" Feliks peered from his spot on Francis' guest bed to where the taller blond was rooting through a clear plastic box.

"D'you have a drug box?" Feliks wondered aloud.

"Of course!" Francis replied, still too damn perkily. "Advil, Tylenol, aspirin?"

"Just get me the fucking stuff." Matthew demanded grouchily.

Feliks couldn't help it; he started giggling uncontrollably.

"Fucking stuff." He mumbled. "Fucking stuff!"

Francis rolled his eyes and delivered the pain relievers with water for his hung over guests, then sat down on the futon at the far end of the room.

"What do you say?" Francis sang.

"Thanks." Feliks replied, happily burying his head into the pillow and waiting for the drugs to take affect.

"Fuck you." Matthew replied drowsily. "I told you I wasn't drinking yesterday. I told you not to let me get a hangover."

"I couldn't stop you, Mathieu!" Francis gesticulated. "I simply couldn't! You were having such a good time!"

Feliks heard Matthew groan. "Am not right now."

"I have stories!" Francis continued, mindless that his continuous talk was wrecking havoc on Matthew's poor head. "We ran out of ice. So someone said, 'we're out of ice.' And Mathieu, darling child, you collapsed onto the floor and started sobbing."

Matthew didn't reply, but Feliks' interest was piqued.

"Why was he crying?"

"He was completely distraught! 'But where will all the polar bears live? What about the polar bears?'"

"I like polar bears." Matthew protested.

"I know! It was très adorable." Francis gushed. "I think Gilbert recorded it—"

"Fucking Gilbert." Matthew heaved a resigned sigh. "I should know better."

Feliks was feeling a bit better, and reached into his pocket to check his cell phone for the time.

**11:37 AM. **_**One missed call from: BFF TORIS *heart***_

Feliks froze. He shifted to his recent calls as stared—apparently he'd picked up one call and then not responded to the other? That was kind of unlike him.

"What the hell happened last night?" Feliks mumbled.

"It was a very good night." Francis replied. "I had fun. I don't care if I negatively impacted others."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Matthew said, a bit panicked. "What the hell did you and Gil and Antonio do now?"

"I am afraid I do not remember. But I am sure it was very awesome, as Gilbert would say." Francis remarked. "I think that Gilbert passed out somewhere along the way."

Matthew sighed and pulled out his phone, jamming buttons. Then he held the phone up next to his ear.

"…Gil? Hey. Yeah. I know. Look, what the hell did we do—_what, no! _I'm with Francis. Feliks, too. No, nothing happened, relax will you. I have a hangover, don't talk so loud. Oh, cry me a river, Gil. I want a milkshake. If you bring me a milkshake I'll make you pancakes. Chocolate. Wait, no. Vanilla. Yes. Yes. And don't spike it or no maple syrup. Okay. Love you." Matthew sighed, dropping the phone and letting his head fall into his hands.

"…Pancakes?" Francis waggled his eyebrows.

"You can have some too." Matthew mumbled, massaging his forehead. "After all, you gave me some pain relievers."

Feliks rolled over onto his back and sighed, unsure if he should call Toris and let him know he was okay? What had they talked about? His phone said the call was under a minute—what had happened? He sighed, bringing his hands to his stomach as he focused on simply breathing.

"Feliks, you want pancakes, too?"

"That'd be so great." Feliks replied. "Thank you."

"Someone with manners." Matthew approved. His phone buzzed, and the blonde held it up to his ear.

"What now? Of course he can. Does Lovino want some, too? Of course Lovino is there! No, I'm not a mind reader. They were having sex on top of the refrigerator, weren't they? I don't know. Wait, _we_ were? Why were we—oh my god, really? That makes sense now." Matthew laughed. "We would. Thanks for humoring drunk me. Remember, vanilla milkshake or no pancakes." Matthew hung up and laughed again.

"Apparently Gil and I had sex on a refrigerator in hopes of encouraging it to get horny and produce ice-cube-babies for the polar bears."

"How kind of you." Feliks chuckled. "Always going the extra mile to protect endangered species."

"Anything for polar bears." Matthew laughed. "Gil said he'd be like twenty minutes. I guess I should get started on pancakes?"

"Pancakes are good." Francis hummed in approval. "My kitchenette still has everything from last time."

Matthew pushed himself up and stretched, yawning as bones creaked back into position.

"We get drunk and make pancakes a lot." He replied, amused.

"Why not?" Francis pondered.

"Why not." Matthew echoed. "I love the fact your room has a kitchen."

"Bonuses!" Francis chirped. "And a bathroom too, don't forget."

"You need the bathroom. Carrying all your shampoo crap at once would break your arms." Matthew teased, rooting through the cabinets for ingredients.

"But my hair is so luxuriant." Francis shook his head, letting his hair fall across his shoulder. "It is well worth it."

"Totally well worth it." Feliks agreed, sitting up to reach out and brush Francis' hair. "It shines like whoa."

"Doesn't it?" Francis clasped his hands together in joy. "'Like whoa,' you say?"

"Totally." Feliks replied happily.

The telephone conversation was pushed to the back of his mind. This is what college was about: making new friends, doing stupid things, and having a good time. Feliks had probably invited Toris along and Toris had refused. He could be a party pooper like that.

Feliks loved Toris; he really, truly did in more ways than one. Even if they never got together, Toris would always be his friend. But he couldn't wait for Toris to figure his own life out—Feliks was a cute little thing and he knew it. Francis' attention felt good, even if it was just his personality to be flirtatious.

Feliks didn't want to give up, but that kiss Feliks had witnessed had _hurt. _Francis had done his best to make it better. Feliks had been hanging out with him every night for the past few days.

Francis was fun! It wasn't anything serious. Feliks didn't think he wanted anything serious. Because it wasn't like he was trying to get over Toris, but at the same time he was.

Because Toris was a super nice guy, but he was straight. How many times had he told Feliks he was straight? Feliks wasn't the type to just sit back and wait.

He felt a little unfaithful. He always tried to initiate contact with his Liet. He always just wanted to talk. He couldn't forever hold that much of Toris' time! Toris would find someone and it would break Feliks' heart, so Feliks was trying to slowly move on.

Francis was surprisingly helpful. Feliks wasn't sure if Francis was attracted to him or if a relationship was even something Francis wanted, but they had fun flirting and talking.

Fun. Feliks had missed fun. Sometimes he felt like Toris was such a downer—he liked real problems and serious business and Feliks was just not that kind of formal.

Francis got up and laid down on the bed, letting his head rest in Feliks' lap. Feliks smiled and began to rake his fingers through said luxuriant hair as Francis continued to praise its beauty.

So maybe he loved Toris, but that didn't mean he could love _only _Toris. There was room for new best friends.

* * *

><p>AN: Okay, finally some Feliks!

I'm so sorry this is late! My bad. My bad for sure. Honestly, it's online video games. MMORPGs. I must become level 60 divine paladin. I MUST. I can't explain this urge.

I also didn't respond to everyone who reviewed last chapter because I'm a bitch. D: But I love you all and thank you so much for your patience and reviews and favorites. I will try not to let it go so long again! (And again, I know this chapter is short because my fingers are tired (true facts. True. Facts. Just typed all this in one go so forgive the many mistakes!) and no Nordics (I LOVE NORDICS WHY ARE THEY NOT HERE BRAIN WHY) and what, PruCan, where did that come from! Oh, me. What goes on in that head of yours?)


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen: "**We flatter those we scarcely know, We please the fleeting guest.

And deal full many a thoughtless blow To those who love us best." Ella Wheeler Wilcox

* * *

><p>Berwald's eyes constantly were drifting down to glance Tino. Their hands were swinging as they walked, Tino animatedly pointing out sights as Berwald lead him in what his phone's GPS said was the right direction.<p>

"It's just not fair, Berwald." Tino said in awe as they passed a beautiful old building. "Finland is lovely and I love it, but Italy is lovely and _warm._"

"Mm." Berwald hummed in agreement, squeezing Tino's hand. "You'd have to buy more sunscreen."

Tino chuckled.

"So true." He replied, kicking a stray rock as they turned a corner to start up a slanted hill. "Where are we going?"

"Trust me." Berwald replied. At only eleven-fifty in the morning on a Saturday, Berwald was sure their spot would be mostly open.

"We've been walking for like twenty minutes." Tino whined. "Are we close?"

"Very." Berwald replied. "See?"

They'd reached the top of the hill. Berwald pulled Tino across the road and Tino gasped.

"You can see the Duomo from here!" Tino said excitedly. "It is the biggest building ever. I saw the pictures in my Italy tourist book, of course, but I had no idea just how _big _it was."

"We should go to Rome." Berwald said, squeezing Tino's hand again. "Saint Peter's Basilica."

"We should." Tino breathed. "Oh god, can we?"

"We'd miss the rest of the gelato festival."

"Boo. Okay, so we'll get there eventually."

"We'll get everywhere eventually." Berwald replied. "We've got four years. We can go often_._"

"Yeah!" Finland pumped his free hand excitedly. "Okay, so, picnic. What'd you bring?"

"Food."

"Thanks Mr. Obvious. What kind of snacks?" Tino reached for the basket, but Berwald raised it above his head. "Oh c'mon, Ber."

"Say 'please.'"

Tino pouted.

"You're cute." Berwald replied fondly, lowering his arm and passing it towards Tino.

"Thanks. For the food and the compliment, I guess." Tino mumbled as he sat down on a bench to rifle through the basket.

"Licorice!" Tino laughed delightedly, pulling a candy tube from the basket. "I love licorice!"

"That is for dessert." Berwald chastised. "Fruit and jam first."

"Life is uncertain, Berwald. Dessert first."

Berwald raised his brows. "Cheating."

"It's not cheating. It's called 'enjoying'."

"S'not healthy to have candy for breakfast."

"You are a tempting tempter." Tino argued back. "You packed it and then let me root through your basket. Of course I am going to go for the good stuff."

"Blackberries are good stuff." Berwald replied, popping a few in his mouth.

"I meant the good-_good _stuff." Tino huffed, taking a bit out of his licorice. "I'll compromise, and for every bit of licorice I'll eat some healthy crap too."

Berwald shook his head. "You're going to make yourself sick."

Tino pouted again. "But I _like _sweets."

"After healthy stuff." Berwald gently pried the licorice away. "It's all yours, and it'll be there when you finish."

"Fine." Tino rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "You win, you persuasive man."

"Boyfriend." Berwald corrected with a blush.

Tino felt his face flame. "A very persuasive boyfriend, then."

"Can I persuade you to give me kisses?"

"Berwald!" Tino squeaked, shoving him on the shoulder. "You're making me blush! Stop it!"

Berwald shrugged, eating more blackberries. "Just curious."

Tino's face stayed flushed as he bit a chunk of bread. His gaze stayed determinedly away from Berwald's face.

"Maybe later."

"Hm?"

"Ask me about kisses later." Tino tried to hide his blush, but Berwald found it. To save his boyfriend from more embarrassment, Berwald decided to change the topic. And he also made a mental note to bring up kisses later.

"You miss Finland?" Berwald questioned.

"Sometimes." Tino replied thoughtfully. "I miss my family the most."

Berwald nodded in agreement. "Skype is only so useful."

"Yeah." Tino chuckled. "I mean, I'm not _homesick, _but it's still a bit weird to be in a different country all by myself."

"Not by yourself." Berwald reached over to take Tino's hand again. "I'm here."

Tino laughed. "Aren't you a sweetie!"

"Yes. I am."

"So modest, too." Tino teased. "I do like you, though."

"Good." Berwald replied. "Does that mean you'll marry me?"

"Berwald." Tino rolled his eyes. "No."

"Okay." Berwald said, undaunted. "You're going to say yes one day."

Tino gave Berwald a skeptical look. "Really now."

"Yes."

"Have you talked to your future self or something?"

"No." Berwald replied. "Just got a feeling."

"I just, I really didn't expect you to ask me right out of the blue like that." Tino wiped a bit of jam off the corner of his mouth. "No shame, huh?"

Berwald blushed. "Couldn't resist. Too cute."

"Aww." Tino chuckled. "Why didn't you just ask me out?"

"Because." Berwald unleashed his obsessive romantic stare at Tino. "Because."

Tino didn't know what to say, so he ate more bread. Berwald wasn't sure if he should continue the discussion or not, so he ate more fruit. The two boys sat in slightly uncomfortable silence for a few moments, until Tino broke the silence.

"Thanks for breakfast."

"You're welcome." Berwald replied. "Any time."

"Really? I could call you anytime and you'd just show up with food?"

"You need to give me notice so I can buy food." Berwald replied.

"I'm just teasing you, Ber." Tino said softly. "It's just, it's a bit weird to me."

Berwald turned towards Tino and furrowed his brows.

"Not a bad weird. It's just… Ber, there are like a bajillion people the world. Why me, you know? I'm not really anything extraordinary. Sometimes I can't even find my shoes."

"Lots of people can't find their shoes."

"I just mean, like, you know. I don't understand why you've fixated on me." Tino said gently, pulling his feet onto the bench to hug his knees.

"Is it a bad thing?" Berwald mumbled.

"No, Ber. I… I really like you. A lot. But, I don't want you to just get tired of me and going—"

"Never." Berwald ground out. "I am very attracted to you."

"But Ber, you can't know that—"

"I know."

"Ber."

"Ti."

Berwald sat his bread down and leaned over the bench to kiss Tino. Tino sighed, slightly opening his mouth and allowing Berwald's lips to slide against his own. Berwald pulled away, leaving one of his hands on Tino's face. He tendered caressed Tino's cheekbone.

"_Never._"

"This is kind of corny." Tino whispered, eyes dropping to the ground. "I j-just—"

"Tino." Berwald chuckled. "S'not corny, it's _dating_."

Tino shrugged. Berwald leaned back over and kissed his cheek.

"S'okay you're uncertain. I'm certain enough for the both of us."

Tino cracked a smile. "I know you are. You… wait for me, okay?"

"As long as it takes, Ti."

Tino sighed, hand in Berwald's as they walked back to the academy.

"You okay?"

"Fine." Tino replied with a small smile. "Just have a lot of work."

"You can come down to my room and work? Or go to the library together? If you want."

Tino grinned. "You're sweet, but I'll work better if I'm by myself. I'll be more focused that way. I'll text you this afternoon for more gelato festival-ness, okay? And no lemon for you!" Tino teased.

Berwald frowned. "I like lemon."

"I know you do. But what about pistachio? You might like pistachio."

"Lemon." Berwald whined.

"Aww, fine then." Tino pushed himself up to his toes and pecked Berwald on the lips. "I guess you can have some lemon."

Berwald's free hand drifted up to rub against his lips. "Yeah, okay."

Tino chuckled, and turned to walk away. Berwald caught him before he could get too far.

"Can I have your picture?" Berwald asked.

"Like, with your phone?"

"I'd like a physical one." Berwald mumbled shyly. "For my wallet."

Tino blinked, then turned around to stare at his new boyfriend.

"Are you serious."

Berwald blushed furiously and nodded.

"Fine." Tino chuckled. "Come on, let's go find one you like."

_Yes! _Berwald cheered internally. _Sixteen and seventeen taken care of!_

* * *

><p>Berwald was unsatisfied with the pictures Tino had to offer.<p>

"Berwald, I'm not giving that one up!" Tino grumbled, tugging gently at a photo. "That's one of the only ones I brought with my mother—"

"You look like her." Berwald hummed in approval. "S'cute."

"I know it's cute. That's why I'm keeping it."

Berwald frowned furiously. Tino jumped back in shock, then furrowed his brow.

"Are you trying to intimidate me into giving you this picture?"

"Yes. It is working?"

"Not anymore! I can have my dad send you a copy. Knock it off."

Berwald nodded, his face sliding into its neutral expression. "I'd like to meet your family."

"Berwald Oxenstierna, we have been dating for less than twenty-four hours!"

"So?"

Tino heaved a sigh. "Why do you want to meet them so soon?"

_Number twelve. _"Just 'cause."

Tino raised a brow. "Just because why?"

Berwald shrugged and looked at the floor.

"Maybe in a bit, okay? It's just..." Tino sighed. "I should be honest."

Berwald looked up. Tino gently crossed the room and leaned into Berwald's arms, looking down at the photo in his hands.

"My mom died last summer." Tino said quietly. "It's easy to pretend she's there waiting, you know?"

"Back in Finland?"

"Yeah." Tino pushed away, hiding his face from Berwald. Berwald immediately knew this was a very sensitive topic.

"M'sorry."

Tino sighed again, this one shallow and breathy.

"It's been over a year," Tino said pensively, "and it still hurts."

Berwald hummed in the back of his throat and pulled Tino in for a hug.

"I don't want to talk about it, okay?"

"That's fine."

"But I need to do homework now."

Berwald let Tino go. "I'll get pictures later."

Tino smiled, albeit a little brokenly. "Okay."

Berwald was about to leave, but couldn't stop his curiosity.

"What is your major?"

"Hm, me?" Tino said, hefting a math book from his shelf onto his bed. "Mechanical engineering."

Berwald blinked. Tino grinned.

"Not a dumb blonde, huh?"

"I didn't say—"

"Oh, I know." Tino chuckled. "But you probably thought I was history or art."

Berwald shrugged guiltily.

"Well, now you know your boyfriend's the breadwinner." Tino teased, sticking his tongue out.

Berwald pressed a quick kiss to Tino's head, and then brushed a hand back through his soft hair.

"I like you."

Tino's lips twitched. "I like you, too. Now get. Differential equations wait for no one."

Berwald made an unhappy face. "That class wasn't fun."

"It's not too bad." Tino corrected. "But I prefer other classes, of course—"

"Hm." Berwald shoved his hands in his pockets and left.

Tino chuckled to himself, now holding the secret to get Berwald to leave. Who knew calculus was so powerful?

* * *

><p><strong>[Sent: Sun Aug 23 12:56 PM]<strong>

**hi**

_[Received: Sun Aug 23 1:00 PM]_

_Hey._

**[Sent: Sun Aug 23 1:01 PM]**

**i was busy last nite wich is y I missed ur call**

_[Received: Sun Aug 23 1:03 PM]_

_It's okay._

**[Sent: Sun Aug 23 1:05 PM]**

**yea just wanted 2 say sorry**

_[Received: Sun Aug 23 1:09 PM]_

_You want me to forgive you?_

**[Sent: Sun Aug 23 1:10 PM]**

**no i was just saying b/c i didnt want 2 b rude but im not looking 4 4giveness bc I didnt do nething wrong! I was just sayin!**

_[Received: Sun Aug 23 1:15 PM]_

_Okay. Apology accepted._

**[Sent: Sun Aug 23 1:17 PM]**

**k good.**

_[Received: Sun Aug 23 1:20 PM]_

_Is that it?_

**[Sent: Sun Aug 23 1:22 PM]**

**yeah?**

_[Received: Sun Aug 23 1:23 PM]_

_Okay._

**[Sent: Sun Aug 23 1:30 PM]**

**k l8r**

**[Unsent draft: Sun Aug 23 1:31 PM]**

**y r u making it awkward**

**[Unsent draft: Sun Aug 23 1:37 PM]**

**u could say sorry 2**

****[Unsent draft: Sun Aug 23 1:41 PM]****

****i miss u ****

******[Unsent draft: Sun Aug 23 1:42 PM]******

****poophead****

* * *

><p><strong><strong><strong>**A/N: FINALLY. I know, I have not given up! I was just... um, playing WoW instead of writing... yeah my bad. Also, I love all my reviewers, new and old! *heart heart* I've read all your love, no worries, and I will try to be better at replying this chapter! (Honestly, me. Geez Louise. I used to be so good at it.) But a big thank you to everyone for sticking with me this long! ;D


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen: **"Never gonna give you up!" Rick Astley (I don't own this song, btw!)

* * *

><p>Berwald found himself with free time—he had thought about studying, but that was just too boring. He needed to do something besides study. Tino was studying and Berwald just didn't think he'd be able to focus.<p>

He opened his drawer and pulled out his well-worn magazine. He'd folded the magazine over so that The List was always on top; it was convenient for when he needed to reference the article.

He found himself sitting on his bed, back against the wall as he curled around his magazine and simply daydreamed.

So far, he had completed five of the twenty-one necessary steps… just five, and actually really only four if he acknowledged the fact he had not obtained Tino's picture and it was not in his wallet.

Berwald sighed. He hadn't wanted to be insistent, especially when Tino showed signs of obvious grief, but he really wanted to complete his list. The sooner he finished, the quicker he and Tino would get married.

They were dating, finally, which did expand his options.

He scanned his list, trying to find one he could do with his immediate free time, and froze.

There was _so much _he could do. It seemed that once you were dating, the key was to keep your boyfriend on his toes. Surprise him. Berwald was good at surprises.

He rooted through his desk in a search for the stationary his mother had given him in an attempt to encourage communication. He preferred to text his parents, but that didn't mean he couldn't find use for the stationary.

It was nice. Thick, crème-colored paper that had the visible grains and it felt _real_ between Berwald's large fingers. Berwald thought it conveyed his feelings rather well—he was serious about Tino, and the formal stationary just emphasized his feelings.

Berwald plucked of the end of a pen and pursed his lips in thought. He glared down at the small card, trying to find the right words to express himself. Expressing himself was rather difficult.

He ended up laying the stationary to the side and scribbling on scratch paper instead.

_Dear Tino,_

_I think that you're_

_I kind of _

_would you maybe _

_ I love you_

Berwald grit his teeth in frustration. It was not time for love confessions regardless of how true they might be. Tino was actually dating him. It would be best not to scare him away.

Berwald crunched the scratch paper into a little ball and tossed it into the trash. It would probably be best to just write something honest.

He dragged the open card back to the center of his desk and rolled his shoulders back in preparation.

_Dear Tino,_

_ Thanks for having breakfast with me. It was fun. You have the most beautiful smile in the entire world and I want to see it for the rest of my life. _

_ Sincerely,_

_ Berwald_

Berwald liked his letter so far, but it didn't facilitate an opening for other activities.

He hummed and leaned his head forward to rest it on his hands. Maybe that was for the best; he and Tino were going back to the gelato festival in the evening. A simple card to express his affectionate thanks was more than enough.

Decision made, Berwald folded his card and placed it in the waiting envelope. He licked it shut and wrote "Tino" on the front in the best handwriting he could manage.

He clasped his hands and peered at the letter. Best way to deliver it?

He could slide it underneath Tino's door, but Berwald wanted a more personal touch.

He pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number he'd honestly never thought he'd need.

"Hello, Arthur. Is Alfred still doing those singing telegrams?"

* * *

><p>The knock on the door was a relief, if Tino was honest with himself. Feliks had gotten back from wherever it was Feliks had gone—surprisingly, he was in a cheerful mood. Tino did not want to bring up Toris, but Feliks <em>kept talking about him. <em>It was difficult to concentrate on differential equations and also listen to his roommate whine. Feliks would simply not let the subject drop. Apparently pancakes had been involved in some sort of fashion, but Tino honestly did not care. He was just trying to focus and he really wondered if he should have taken Berwald's offer to go to the library. At least Berwald was quiet!

Tino put his pencil down and got up from his seat because Feliks was drowning in his pity party and simply could not move. Tino opened the door and was surprised to see a bouncy young man standing in front of him.

"Hello! Are you Tino?"

"Um, yes." Tino replied.

"Fantastic! My name's Al, and have I got a treat for you!"

Tino shifted his weight, brows furrowing. "Okay?"

"One quick sec." Al grinned bending down over a boom box and hovering over the play button. "Ready?"

Tino was curious. "Sure."

A… really cheesy love song started playing. Tino blinked, and then realized he was dating _Berwald. _Oh. Dear. God.

"_We're no strangers to looove. You know the rules and so do I. A full commitments what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy! I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling, gotta make you understand!_

_ "Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry! Never gonna say goodbye! Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!"_

Alfred finished his short rendition with a particularly dramatic "you." Tino stood slightly shell-shocked in his doorway.

Alfred laughed. "That good, huh? Speechless?"

Tino nodded.

"I got a letter for you to—hang on." Alfred dug around through his bag. "Ah, here!"

Tino was handed a slightly crumpled note, but he note the paper was very nice. And Berwald's handwriting was on it. Unsurprisingly.

"Thanks." Tino sighed, rather heavily.

"No prob!" Alfred grinned widely. "Cya round!"

"Mm." Tino hummed more to himself than Al as he dragged his index finger under the envelope's seal.

He read and note and shook his head fondly.

"Really?" He wondered aloud. "_Really?_"

"Did you man do something totes romantic again?" Feliks whined from his bedroom. "I don't want to hear it. I might pass out from jealousy."

"He didn't do anything." Tino replied, reentering their room and letting the door fall shut. "Just send me a singing upperclassman and a note."

"Shut up! That's totally romantic. You are an unappreciative bastard." Feliks whined petulantly. "Why can't Toris send me a note?"

"You said he texted you?"

"Yeah! But not like, anything good!" Feliks huffed. "Just boring stuff."

"Like?"

"Like, 'you want me to forgive you' and I said 'no' because Ti, I did _nothing."_

"Mmhmm."

"Can't you hear his grammar? 'You want me to forgive you' my ass. Like, for real. He is such a Debbie downer."

Tino hummed again. "I might go to the library, Feliks. I need to check something in the textbook."

"Fine! Leave me here to die of heartbreak! Some friend you are!" Feliks whined. "I hate my life!"

"I could get Berwald to come down here and listen to you?"

Feliks didn't even say anything, he just made a pathetic keening noise.

"You are pathetic." Tino said.

"I am so not!" Feliks cried. "I am just misunderstood! Can't you see I am seriously troubled?"

Tino sighed softly. "Why don't you watch some TV? Criticizing people's outfits always makes you feel better."

Feliks sniffed. "True."

"I'll even stay—I'll just Google my question, okay? You can bitch about clothing and I'll just sit here doing math until Berwald and I go out for gelato."

"I am so jealous of your love!" Feliks exclaimed as he collapsed onto the couch. "Like, it's so unfair. Berwald is such a hunk and he's totally into you, too! How did you do it?"

"I think I just stood there, to be honest."

Feliks sighed dramatically. "You must teach me how to stand so I too can stop a gorgeous hunk in his tracks and make him fall madly in love with me!"

"We're not in love. We're just dating." Tino clarified.

"Bullshit! I know love when I see it, and I am beyond jealous." Feliks laid out on the couch, flicking through channels idly. "_Why can't you see that you belong with meee?_"

"…Are you singing Taylor Swift?"

"Yes! My poor heart has fallen into the pits of Taylor Swift longing! It's an absolute disaster, Tino." Feliks explained dramatically, tossing an arm across his forehead. "All I can do to fix my world is have dramatic break ups to fuel my artistic mind!"

"You're a nut." Tino replied. "Just watch TV."

"Ooh, what not to wear is on~!"

"Go for it."

* * *

><p>Berwald waited patiently as Tino tried to make up his gelato-loving mind.<p>

"There are so many flavors." Tino complained. "It's an absolute shame that we're restricted to so few."

"You can have some of my scoops."

"You're sweet, Berwald, but what I really want is my own gelato store."

"…"

".."

"...I'll buy you a—"

"NO. I was exaggerating." Tino sighed. "I forget about you."

Berwald frowned. "What about me?"

"That you're so…devoted." Tino said, for lack of a better word. "It's fine. I just wanted to complain about the flavors. I probably can't eat more than three scoops at a time."

"Mm."

The couple ended up sitting in the same place in front of the Duomo, watching people stroll by.

"It's more pleasant in the evenings." Tino said quietly. "Fewer tourists. It's less crowded."

Berwald agreed with a nod, too focused on his lemon to really care one way or another.

"We've got class most of the day." Berwald said. "Crowds are normally gone by the evening."

"Yeah." Tino said softly. "I am looking forward for our trip to Rome."

Berwald smiled, taking one of Tino's hands in his own and squeezing it.

"It'll be fun."

"There's so much I want to see." Tino's eyes glowed. "I can't believe I've got four years here. Berwald, I'll run out of money before I see everything I want too!"

Berwald squeezed his hand again, realizing that without any attempt on his part they were crossing off number nineteen. "On Valentine's day I wanna take you to Venice."

"Berwald!" Tino blushed.

"What? You don't want to?"

"No, I do." Tino replied quickly. "It's just, I mean, you're thinking way ahead!"

"Yep." Berwald replied. "'Cause I love you."

Tino froze.

Berwald wasn't sure exactly how this sort of thing was supposed to go, but he decided to wing it.

"…Feels right just to let you know." Berwald elaborated. "So you never have to wonder why again. It's cause I love you."

The couple sat in silence. Berwald's attention went back to his lemon gelato as he patiently waited for Tino to respond.

Berwald finished his gelato maybe three minutes later, and he glanced to look at Tino's face. Tino didn't seem horrified, just frozen.

"Hey." Berwald jostled Tino from his thoughts. The smaller boy was alarmed, and seemed at a loss for words. "Wasn't looking for a response. I just wanted you to know, okay?"

"Okay." Tino responded quietly.

"Also wanna take you down to Capri." Berwald continued with another squeeze of Tino's. "Wanna take you everywhere. You got to tell me if you want anywhere specific, okay?"

Tino smiled a bit. "Yeah."

"Sorrento is famous for lemons." Berwald continued. "I love lemons."

Tino burst into laughter, surprising Berwald.

"Oh, Ber." He chuckled. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Marry me?"

Tino pursed his lips. "Maybe, Ber. Maybe."

Berwald grinned.

* * *

><p><strong>[Unsent Draft: Mon Aug 24 1:00 AM]<strong>

**i love you. i love you i love you i love you**

**[Unsent Draft: Mon Aug 24 1:01 AM]**

**I just had to let it out cuz u drive me totes crazy**

**[Unsent Draft: Mon Aug 24 1:03 AM]**

**i wish u'd text me 2 hang out**

**[Unsent Draft: Mon Aug 24 1:05 AM]**

**y r we making this so hard**

**[Unsent Draft: Mon Aug 24 1:10 AM]**

**its driving me totes crazy**

**[Sent: Mon Aug 24 1:15 AM]**

**y r u straight?**

**[Unsent Draft: Mon Aug 24 1:15 AM]**

**oh shit oh shit**

**[Unsent Draft: Mon Aug 24 1:16 AM]**

**I am a stupid bitch**

* * *

><p>AN: HOLY CRAP! An update I know. Proud of me? Finally, right? (Also, my wow character is a blood elf paladin and she is level 84 heck yes. I also have a warlock now who is just a baby. I have been, um, distracted. ALSO, SHERLOCK. It's all very distracting. lol.) Thanks for being patient with me, everyone! I gave you an awkward love confession so obviously all is well in the world.

Thanks for all the reviews and all the love! Makes me motivated to keep writing! I can't thank you guys enough for the patience thing. Hope you all liked the chapter, and thanks for reading!


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen **_"YOU'RE SO FUCKING SLOW"- Reviewers _

"I KNOW FUCK SORRY ABOUT THAT" - Super Awesome Author

_"DON'T DO IT AGAIN DAMMIT" - Reviewers _

"UH, NO PROMISES." - Super Awesome Author

_"GOD DAMN IF THIS IS A CLIFFHANGER WE'LL KILL YOU" - Reviewers_

* * *

><p>Feliks stared at his phone, mouth agape, and furrowed his brows as he quickly developed a plan. He sat up straight on his bunked bed, one hand running hastily through his hair.<p>

He quickly pressed through his phone's menu to his contact list, and dialed a very new number.

He bit his lip while the phone rang.

"…_Hullo?_"

"Mattie!" Feliks blurted. "You gotta help me!"

"_Feliks? Uh, what time is it—"_

"_Who the fuck—what fucking time is it? Who fucking calls at this time, fuck!"_

"_Ignore Gil, Feliks. He's a grump when you wake him up."_

"_Fuck you."_

"_How can I help you?"_

"I just texted Toris!" Feliks cried. "Can I pretend we were getting wasted at your place so I can send him other semi-drunk texts?"

"_Uh, sure thing. G'night, Feliks."_

Feliks hung up with a decisive nod.

**[Sent: Tues Aug 25 1:20 AM]**

**i like penis alot k**

**[Sent: Tues Aug 25 1:20 AM]**

**cuz I am gay**

**[Sent: Tues Aug 25 1:20 AM]**

**PENIS**

**[Sent: Tues Aug 25 1:20 AM]**

**PENISPENISPEINSSS**

With a relived sigh, Feliks tossed his phone to the floor and collapsed back onto his pillow.

* * *

><p>Feliks wasn't sure what time Tino got back, but the next morning was a fluster of activity.<p>

"I can't believe I slept through my alarm." Tino grouched wearily.

"You play, you pay." Feliks teased. Feliks didn't have class until ten, while Tino was running late for his nine 'o five.

"I might just skip." Tino sighed. "Differential equations is kind of easy."

"Tino!" Feliks gasped and slapped a hand over his heart. "Skipping is _bad. _What would Berwald say?"

Tino glowered as Feliks dissolved into giggles.

"Fuck it." Tino grumbled as he crawled back under the covers. "Fuck it."

* * *

><p>Berwald froze when he got a text from Tino during his first class—in all honesty, he shouldn't have checked it, but it might have been from Tino and it <em>was <em>so his decision was completely justified.

Tino had skipped his first period class. Apparently Berwald had worn him out.

Berwald's lips twitched with the innuendo in that statement, but he didn't think Tino would appreciate it.

And then it flashed into his head: _number two, do it now. Do. It. NOW._

Berwald straightened his shoulders, pocketed his phone, and slipped out of his classroom. He paused a few feet from the closed door and dialed Tino's number.

"_Hey?"_

"Tino."

_"Um, hi Ber."_

"I called."

"_Yes, um, you did. Can I help you?"_

"I called because I was thinking about you."

"_Um. Thanks?"_

"You're welcome. If you like, I can call you back and insist you don't pick up so I can leave you a sweet voicemail. But only if you want one."

_"Uh, wow, Berwald. That is… very considerate of you."_

"Hm."

_"But I'm okay for now. I'll talk to you later, okay?"_

"K. Bye."

Berwald hung up and mentally congratulated himself on his success.

* * *

><p>Tino sighed, staring at his phone. Feliks giggled at his expression.<p>

"You have the patience of a saint." Feliks teased. "Perhaps not the virtue, though, as I've already found where you stash your porn collection—"

Tino made a noise of embarrassment.

"It's so cute, though! Berwald is obviously your type. And I was shocked at the state of those magazines, Tino. Tsk."

"Leave off." Tino growled. "At least I can get some."

"I can get some any day of the week!" Feliks remarked, insulted. "Look at this ass! This ass is _fabulous._ Have you, like, seen a hotter ass?"

"Berwald's ass is pretty hot." Tino begrudgingly admitted. "I kind of want to fuck him."

"He'd let you."

"That's not the point." Tino sighed dramatically once more, rolling onto his back to stare at the ceiling.

"You are such a moper." Feliks chastised. "He just called you to say hi, right?"

"Mmph." Tino mumbled into his arm, which was slung over his face in some sort of self-pity crisis.

"He's really sweet, and he is so totally into you—"

"He loves me."

"Oh, I don't doubt it."

"No," Tino rolled up, "you don't understand. When we, last night, we went out to the gelato festival—"

"All that ice cream is gonna so straight to your, like, stomach."

"Fuck off about my weight. He told me he loved me."

"That's… that's fucking _cute!_" Feliks squealed. "No wonder you want to fuck him."

"But that's why I don't think I _can._" Tino interrupted morosely. "It would mean more to him than me, and I don't want to lead him on like that."

"He's a guy, he'd know sex is just sex." Feliks shrugged.

Tino shrugged back. "I just don't think it's right. Not until my feelings are somewhat equal."

Feliks rolled his eyes. "You could just _talk _to him about it."

Tino chuckled. "I have a feeling the thought of sex with me might make his brain explode."

"In a totally good way."

"Yeah, well."

"Also, when you say you want to fuck him I am assuming you want him to fuck you 'cause like, I bet he has the most fantastic cock _ever, _like have you seen the size of that man? God _damn._ You got to tell me details once you get them."

Tino flushed. "Well, I kind of want to ride him."

Feliks lifted his brows salaciously. "Yeah?"

"You know, like on his lap and stuff…"

"Oh, honey." Feliks laughed. "Trust me, I know."

"I just… I have a feeling he's going to want to be in control." Tino frowned. "I am not much for fighting, but if he thinks for one fucking second I am going to lie back and take it like a bitch—"

Feliks dissolved into laughter. "I think you should find a way to tie him to the bed."

Tino's eyes widened. "Fuck, yes. But what if he broke out somehow? His arm muscles are unreal."

"That'd be fucking hot if he broke free, you'd so get off on it."

"Yeah." Tino grinned. " Hell yeah I would."

"So what, we have to come up with a way of tying him to the bed without him noticing?"

"We have time." Tino mused. "We haven't even seen each other's genitals. I doubt we're going to be fucking anytime soon."

Feliks cackled. "_Making love~"_

Tino hummed and rested his elbows on his knees. "I meant it when I said I didn't want to rush it."

"Berwald most definitely does not share those feelings… like, think about the way he asked you out!" Feliks interjected. "He just like, did it. In front of God and everybody the second he saw you."

Tino rolled his eyes. "It's not about his pace, it's about _my _pace."

"Which is controlled by your dick."

"Well, yeah."

Feliks shrugged. "So you won't be able to hold out that long. Your balls will fall off."

Tino's wrinkled his brow. "Thanks for that disgusting imagery."

"You love it."

"He also said he wanted to take me to Rome, Venice, Capri…" Tino trailed off. "He's kind of romantic."

"_Kind of?_" Feliks interjected. "Try totally."

"I don't know." Tino said. "He's really hot."

"Awkwardness and all?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm." Feliks smiled smugly. "It will work out."

"Oh, I am well aware." Tino rolled his eyes. "Berwald has probably already got lube and condoms for the occasion."

"Again, 'probably'?"

"All right!" Tino conceded. "I'd be more surprised if he didn't."

"I'd be surprised if he didn't have a porno collection starring Finnish boys with plump asses."

"I'm not fucking plump."

"You're like, a bit plump."

"Fuck."

"If you really cared, you shouldn't eat so much gelato."

"But's it's so good!" Tino complained. "Food that good shouldn't come with calories."

"If you can find a way to make that a reality, you will be fucking rich." Feliks chuckled.

* * *

><p><em>[Received: Tues Aug 25 11:26 AM]<em>

_Do you think I'm fat?_

**[Sent: Tues Aug 25 12:02 PM]**

**No.**

_[Received: Tues Aug 25 12:05 PM]_

_Do you think I'm slightly overweight?_

**[Sent: Tues Aug 25 12:07 PM]**

**I think you're perfect.**

_[Received: Tues Aug 25 12:08 PM]_

_Would you call me "plump"?_

**[Sent: Tues Aug 25 12:10 PM] **

**Is that slang for something.**

_[Received: Tues Aug 25 12:11 PM]_

_No. Just plump as in plump._

**[Sent: Tues Aug 25 12:13 PM]**

**Are you worried about your weight.**

_[Received: Tues Aug 25 12:15 PM]_

_No._

**[Sent: Tues Aug 25 12:16 PM]**

**?**

_[Received: Tues Aug 25 12:17 PM]_

_So maybe I think I'm a bit chubby._

**[Sent: Tues Aug 25 12:18 PM]**

**What are you going to do about it.**

_[Received: Tues Aug 25 12:20 PM]_

_I don't know? I fucking love food._

**[Sent: Tues Aug 25 12:22 PM]**

**We can go on walks instead of sitting.**

_[Received Tues Aug 25 12:24 PM]_

_I just, I don't really think I'll ever be fit._

**[Sent: Tues Aug 25 12:26 PM]**

**Who cares. I want you happy.**

_[Received: Tues Aug 25 12:30 PM]_

_You're sweet. _

**[Sent: Tues Aug 25 12:30 PM]**

**You're gorgeous.**

_[Received: Tues Aug 25 12:31 PM]_

_I want to kiss you._

**[Sent: Tues Aug 25 12:32 PM]**

**Where are you omw**

* * *

><p>Feliks was irritated. Toris <em>still <em>hadn't responded to his "drunk" texts. I mean, yeah they were stupid, but Toris was supposed to get irritated and send him messages complaining about Feliks' dumb behavior. And yet, nothing!

Tino and Berwald were out somewhere, so Berwald at least wasn't in his room. Maybe Toris was alone?

Feliks walked over to his and Tino's shared mirror. He quickly sent Tino a text—encouraging him to keep Berwald away as long as possible—and then he plotted.

Toris was a softy. If Feliks pretended to be drunk and sauntered over there drunkenly, Toris wouldn't let him in. Toris didn't like Feliks' drinking.

Feliks hadn't been best friends with Toris for years for nothing. He had a plan.

* * *

><p>Toris was pulled away from his book by three soft knocks on his door. His brow furrowed—it was about four in the afternoon, too early for anyone to come by to ask about dinner—and his questions were solved when he opened the door to find a teary Feliks hugging a pink pillow.<p>

"C-Can I come in?" Feliks whispered. "Please?"

"Feliks?"

Toris watched Feliks' bottom lip quiver. He grabbed Feliks' forearm and tugged him into the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. By the time he turned around, Feliks was in tears.

"What's wrong?"

"I…" Feliks sniffed, a huge snorting of snot sound that made Toris cringe and reach for a tissue box. "I just m-miss..!" And Toris watched Feliks dissolve into tears.

"Hey." Toris said quietly. "Feliks—"

Feliks flung his arms around Toris, burying his head into Toris' neck and sobbing.

Toris sighed, wrapping his arms around the distraught blond and preparing himself for a comforting conversation.

* * *

><p>Feliks' diabolical plan was <em>working! <em>He was such a clever bitch.

Feigning homesickness was _perfect—_something Toris could relate too, of course, and something that would easily create realistic tears. Something Feliks could use to bring up their friendship, and then his proposal.

A proposal that was not like Berwald's, of course.

After sobbing for a good five minutes, Feliks pulled away and sniffed, giggling internally at Toris' presentation of a tissue. Toris had always hated sniffles. Feliks blew his nose, and then rested his head against Toris' chest.

"Better?"

"Mmhmm." Feliks mumbled. "I… I'm sorry—"

"Hey, it's okay." Toris' hands were so soothing, Feliks couldn't believe he had forgotten. "I'm just glad you're feeling better."

Feliks nodded, knowing that the original diabolical plan was being overtaken with mushy emotions.

"Toris?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm totally in love with you."

Perhaps it had become a proposal more similar to Berwald's than Feliks would like to admit.

* * *

><p>AN: TOLD you I'd update eventually. BAM. You're welcome.

Big thanks to everyone for being ridiculously nice in the sense my inbox has never been full of giant balls of flaming hate and/or more reasonable "why are you sooo slooooow" gripes. Also, someone said someone had stolen something from me somewhere on the internet but I looked and it was deleted, so thanks all for saving me there too. Also, who the fuck wants to steal my stories. I reread this and was like, "damn, spelling n grammar I is not so gud at" but I am way too lazy to fix this shit. Anyway, don't steal because they will fucking catch you in college or university which will be real-life bad. They will kick you out and shit.

As for me, if you are wondering, I am actually getting ready to go into the world of actual adulthood. I am old. *cry* There is so much uncertainty! I have no idea what I am doing with my life.


End file.
